The Hitman

[Keanumoreira]

Chapter 5:

 

(To be revised)

Edited March 14, 2011 by Keanumoreira

[AliasTheory]

I'll have to put this under some more analysis later if you want. Anyway.

 

Why are you pumping these out so fast? Nobody's rushing you. When I look at your first and second chapters, I see far more development in them compared to your last bunch just at a glance. (I'm specifically talking about the 3 and 4 here.)

 

One piece of advise I can give you regarding conversations is to make your characters and sentence structure less "stiff" if you know what I mean. You have some nice things going on with your characters in terms of feel, but they unfortunately don't reach out to me a whole lot. You don't have to state a character's actions following his or her words all the time, for one. Sometimes it can go before. Never feel the need to have to finish the entire conversation in one go if you know what I mean. Occasionally rest and pause; perhaps delve a bit into the protagonist's mind a bit as the conversation is going. Just talk about the surroundings a bit more. Use some metaphors or describe what the facials looks like too...and so much more. Metaphors are a fantastic, concrete way to express a situation or idea. This will give you that added detail and in essence, you kill two birds in one stone; you avoid the redundancy and you get more juicy goodness. ;) (To really get things into the Fallout lore, a cool idea is to create a metaphor using aspects from it.)

 

I really think you should do something like that. Just look at some of your entries...just a huge block of conversational material. It's one thing if you are in a very action-y, fast-paced part of the story (perhaps a fight where people are just yelling things at each other with little to no thought,) but this isn't that case to me. You have a nice, more friendly conversation going on here. Slow down...take a chill pill! :)

 

Focusing on these things for you in particular I find important because you're writing in the first person. The classical version of storytelling is the passive third person voice. The big difference between 1st and 3rd is that in 3rd, you can discuss all characters, etc with a degree of absoluteness; in first person, all thoughts and ideas are "filtered" through the storyteller, thus not only revealing more of the narrator's mentality (also revealing possible imperfections in the character,) but more importantly do not carry that degree of absoluteness. Ideas come out as relative to the narrator just like you or me, and you get his or her interpretation. While this is good, 1st person MAY blind the reader to what other ideas and insights supporting characters may have. For you, writing from who might be described as more of an outcast, 1st person is great.

 

For my story, I chose to write in a different style for a twist: present first person. A bit more of a challenge for me. Present tense to me significantly closes the gap between the reader and the character, creating a feeling of involvement. It worked really well for the fight scenes I wanted to do; 3rd person makes you feel distant and in a way, "safe." Not what I wanted in the crazy Capital Wasteland, so that's good for me. I like that level of uncertainty. The flipside is that writing in the present is simply that: the present. It only allows you to play with the current events and what has already happened, so it puts more limits on what you can do. In the past tense, the narrator could be narrating from a point following all events of the story you're trying to tell. So that's just more building blocks to use.

 

There's pros and cons to everything when it comes to telling to me. Work on the pros, experiment with the exclusives, work around the cons and cover them up. We all asymptotically approach writing perfection IMO, so all everyone can do is keep trying. :) Communicating with the heart and soul is what makes an effective message. Sketch, paint, write, sculpt...a speech. All art is that way. And I think you definitely do a good job with that! Keep on going. I know I like to get wordy since I type how I talk, so take some of this into consideration...or none of it at all. Whatever you think you should do.

 

I've never really taken any formal writing courses nor know a lot of technicalities for it, but this is my two cents.

[Maharg67]

Good! Can not wait to finish the story and am waiting for more to come. Positive feedback will come when I have finished reading the story.

[Keanumoreira]

I'll have to put this under some more analysis later if you want. Anyway.

 

Why are you pumping these out so fast? Nobody's rushing you. When I look at your first and second chapters, I see far more development in them compared to your last bunch just at a glance. (I'm specifically talking about the 3 and 4 here.)

 

One piece of advise I can give you regarding conversations is to make your characters and sentence structure less "stiff" if you know what I mean. You have some nice things going on with your characters in terms of feel, but they unfortunately don't reach out to me a whole lot. You don't have to state a character's actions following his or her words all the time, for one. Sometimes it can go before. Never feel the need to have to finish the entire conversation in one go if you know what I mean. Occasionally rest and pause; perhaps delve a bit into the protagonist's mind a bit as the conversation is going. Just talk about the surroundings a bit more. Use some metaphors or describe what the facials looks like too...and so much more. Metaphors are a fantastic, concrete way to express a situation or idea. This will give you that added detail and in essence, you kill two birds in one stone; you avoid the redundancy and you get more juicy goodness. ;) (To really get things into the Fallout lore, a cool idea is to create a metaphor using aspects from it.)

 

I really think you should do something like that. Just look at some of your entries...just a huge block of conversational material. It's one thing if you are in a very action-y, fast-paced part of the story (perhaps a fight where people are just yelling things at each other with little to no thought,) but this isn't that case to me. You have a nice, more friendly conversation going on here. Slow down...take a chill pill! :)

 

Focusing on these things for you in particular I find important because you're writing in the first person. The classical version of storytelling is the passive third person voice. The big difference between 1st and 3rd is that in 3rd, you can discuss all characters, etc with a degree of absoluteness; in first person, all thoughts and ideas are "filtered" through the storyteller, thus not only revealing more of the narrator's mentality (also revealing possible imperfections in the character,) but more importantly do not carry that degree of absoluteness. Ideas come out as relative to the narrator just like you or me, and you get his or her interpretation. While this is good, 1st person MAY blind the reader to what other ideas and insights supporting characters may have. For you, writing from who might be described as more of an outcast, 1st person is great.

 

For my story, I chose to write in a different style for a twist: present first person. A bit more of a challenge for me. Present tense to me significantly closes the gap between the reader and the character, creating a feeling of involvement. It worked really well for the fight scenes I wanted to do; 3rd person makes you feel distant and in a way, "safe." Not what I wanted in the crazy Capital Wasteland, so that's good for me. I like that level of uncertainty. The flipside is that writing in the present is simply that: the present. It only allows you to play with the current events and what has already happened, so it puts more limits on what you can do. In the past tense, the narrator could be narrating from a point following all events of the story you're trying to tell. So that's just more building blocks to use.

 

There's pros and cons to everything when it comes to telling to me. Work on the pros, experiment with the exclusives, work around the cons and cover them up. We all asymptotically approach writing perfection IMO, so all everyone can do is keep trying. :) Communicating with the heart and soul is what makes an effective message. Sketch, paint, write, sculpt...a speech. All art is that way. And I think you definitely do a good job with that! Keep on going. I know I like to get wordy since I type how I talk, so take some of this into consideration...or none of it at all. Whatever you think you should do.

 

I've never really taken any formal writing courses nor know a lot of technicalities for it, but this is my two cents.

 

Understood. :happy:

 

I know chapter 3 and 4 were quick, but that's only because I needed something to bridge the chapters together. I rarely write short chapters, but when I do, it's either to emphasize something or to make things (Or at least try to) flow easier together. Unfortuneatly, I don't know a whole lot of metaphors I can use, but I'm certainly using the "War never changes" one since it will play a role later on. I have tried, though, to put moments in my conversation where Hannah describes what's going on around her as she's doing it, but it isn't easy. I'll explore more possibilities when I write up a new entry this Saturday, but I have been using your advice and it has breathed more life into the story. I'm still learning where it all goes...

[AliasTheory]

Don't have a plan, it seems. Things could get messy, but it is true that the best can come from the unexpected and unforeseen.

 

I'd just take your sweet old time. Let every chapter have the reader walk away with more questions or new impressions on what's going on or what will happen. Everything you write should exist for a reason, to display character or enhance the plot. And aim to say a message in your story too. That's why we like to read stories, don't we? To immerse ourselves in new and foreign worlds, to experience something that is not our own, and to hopefully learn more about life in the process. I think we like to identify with characters in the story...unconsciously and consciously.

 

Well, I look forward to whatever you put up next. I'm busy. =/

[Keanumoreira]

Totally. :laugh:

 

You take it easy too, seems like you're pushing yourself too hard.

[Keanumoreira]

Chapter 6:

 

(To be revised)

Edited March 14, 2011 by Keanumoreira

[AliasTheory]

My notes for this time around:

 

Second paragraph. Your tense gets weird here. You shift from past tense to present tense...and back again. Your third paragraph and the end of your second paragraph go back into past tense. Coherence.

 

The voice you are trying to establish in your character seems to be taking a very strange turn IMO. So far you've developed themes don't quite seem to match up with themes I see here: experience, control. The descriptions, however, are excellently crafted. I suggest looking at your word choice and changing some things around to get the tone you want to get and be consistent with. It's kind of like acting: become the character. The opposite to this is improvisation, which is spontaneous and random.

 

Grammatical and spelling errors, blah blah, all that good stuff. Zero tolerance when it comes to mistakes in writing is a good habit to get into. It is often we become fixated on such small errors, even in midst of all the good. It ends up ruining the immersion, kind of like a speed bump, so you should fix these up.

 

I like how you've added a bit more as far as conversations go. Things feel much more alive now. :)

 

This was a great paragraph:

 

No one utters another word or smart remark for the rest of the day, and the awkward silence, although a relief, was strangely pestering. When you’re alone out here for hours without another soul to be seen, you tend to drift in and out of shelves of memories. In fact, you could browse your entire childhood from as far back as you can remember if you wanted to. But having a party is different, you get that idea that being talkative is the only way to pass the time, but it seemed things were quieter than ever before. I yearned for a little socialization.

 

Reveals a lot of the protagonist's mentality and really gets you thinking by begging the question, "what if I was in the protagonist's shoes?" Awesome stuff. It humanizes the situation.

 

I hope you start to discuss what may be considered "irony" in "Paradise Falls."

[Keanumoreira]

My notes for this time around:

 

 

The voice you are trying to establish in your character seems to be taking a very strange turn IMO. So far you've developed themes don't quite seem to match up with themes I see here: experience, control.

 

 

Dang it. :laugh:

 

I've noticed it myself; I seem to be vering off the road here. I'm aware of the problem, but I have difficulty when introducing new things into the story when something complelty different has just occured. I'm trying to work on that by adding something in between to place time between these two, but I'm not quite there yet.

 

 

Grammatical and spelling errors, blah blah, all that good stuff. Zero tolerance when it comes to mistakes in writing is a good habit to get into. It is often we become fixated on such small errors, even in midst of all the good. It ends up ruining the immersion, kind of like a speed bump, so you should fix these up.

 

 

Yes I know, I've been trying to be a grammar Nazi, but I still miss some things here and there, and I have spotted some while rereading it just now. I have a new plan, however. In addition to reading it silently and outloud, my English teacher proposed that we read our essays backwards to better fix our grammar errors. I'll do all three once finishing up, and maybe some as I continue along, so less (if none at all) should show up.

[Keanumoreira]

K, there, all grammar mistakes SHOULD be fixed. Now on to trying to prevent them. :wacko: