The Sun (Poem)

[TheSwedishPancake]

Now, I know I'm definitely not the best poet, and probably not even a decent one. But I just thought you guys would like to see one of mine and give me a little input on what I could do to improve.

 

Here goes:

 

Under the dark stars I come for you

Even without light, I find my way

And as I have long wanted to do

I will find you, and make the night day

 

Without you, the sun cowers in fear

Of the shadows, of the blackened sky

But when you alone call to his ear

We are yet again under his eye

 

Do not resist me, it is not wise

I will force you to utter that call

Once he hears it, he will again rise

And he will shine the brightest of all

 

At your call, the star has risen

As you feel him, you fall to the sand

Trapped forever in a scorching prison

As he breathes your soul unto the land

[Keanumoreira]

Not bad. :thumbsup:

[TheSwedishPancake]

Not bad. :thumbsup:

:D Thanks. I saw your "The Orange Shadowed Sea." How long did it take you to write that? It was really good.

[Keanumoreira]

Not bad. :thumbsup:

:D Thanks. I saw your "The Orange Shadowed Sea." How long did it take you to write that? It was really good.

 

Ughhhh...FOREVER. :laugh:

 

Took about, hmmm...three days? Thanx BTW. :happy:

 

Anyway, I'll keep an eye out for more of your works. Keep on writing.

Edited November 29, 2010 by Keanumoreira

[AliasTheory]

I personally think you need more concrete imagery. Paint a stronger visual, or compare things to other things as metaphors. Keanu has some nicely chosen and vivid visuals in his Orange Shadowed Sea poem. As I told Keanu in one of his story topics, generally show and don't tell. I've been lectured on this countless times myself by many English mentors. :)

 

This is IMO telling:

 

"Do not resist me, it is not wise"

 

A more influential and powerful thing to do would be to create a scene for the reader to visualize, proving that when the conclusion is eventually made. You should never only tell, and instead structure things more on showing, which I don't see enough of. If you are going to tell, it should be at the beginning and then elaborate, or tell at the end to solidify a concept.

 

I was actually shown this very part of Martin Luther King's "Letter from a Birmingham Jail," in a college course I'm taking now:

 

We have waited for more than 340 years for our constitutional and God-given rights. The nations of Asia and Africa are moving with jetlike speed toward gaining political independence, but we stiff creep at horse-and-buggy pace toward gaining a cup of coffee at a lunch counter. Perhaps it is easy for those who have never felt the stinging dark of segregation to say, "Wait." But when you have seen vicious mobs lynch your mothers and fathers at will and drown your sisters and brothers at whim; when you have seen hate-filled policemen curse, kick and even kill your black brothers and sisters; when you see the vast majority of your twenty million Negro brothers smothering in an airtight cage of poverty in the midst of an affluent society; when you suddenly find your tongue twisted and your speech stammering as you seek to explain to your six-year-old daughter why she can't go to the public amusement park that has just been advertised on television, and see tears welling up in her eyes when she is told that Funtown is closed to colored children, and see ominous clouds of inferiority beginning to form in her little mental sky, and see her beginning to distort her personality by developing an unconscious bitterness toward white people; when you have to concoct an answer for a five-year-old son who is asking: "Daddy, why do white people treat colored people so mean?"; when you take a cross-county drive and find it necessary to sleep night after night in the uncomfortable corners of your automobile because no motel will accept you; when you are humiliated day in and day out by nagging signs reading "white" and "colored"; when your first name becomes "black person," your middle name becomes "boy" (however old you are) and your last name becomes "John," and your wife and mother are never given the respected title "Mrs."; when you are harried by day and haunted by night by the fact that you are a Negro, living constantly at tiptoe stance, never quite knowing what to expect next, and are plagued with inner fears and outer resentments; when you no forever fighting a degenerating sense of "nobodiness" then you will understand why we find it difficult to wait.

 

The yellow is in fact one big sentence. Notice how much imagery there is, and what it is aiming to accomplish? The telling is at the end: "why we find it difficult to wait." In addition to the great visuals, MLK also structures it all like this on purpose to evoke a possible feeling of impatience. It goes hand in hand with his main idea. Things like this are what create powerful writing.

 

I also do not suggest using so many pronouns in your poems. (In true Japanese Haikus, pronouns should be nonexistent. At least that's what my culture tells me.) It is an interesting idea to slowly try give the reader clues as to who these people are, but I feel empty after reading your piece. It might be me just feeling sleepy, but I don't know who "I" and "you" are. "I" does not necessarily imply you as the writer, and "you" does not always mean the reader. Those identities need to be forged better, though you do give clues:

 

"Without you, the sun cowers in fear"

 

Implying "you" is of some sort of important significance. Which in fact, makes me want to know more. :P

 

Whew. And lastly, just remember as a general writing tip: quality over quantity.

 

Hope I helped.

[TheSwedishPancake]

Ah, yes you did. Thanks a bunch. I did only spend about 15 minutes on that piece, mind you, but I will take your advice into consideration next time, and write a much better one when I have more time on my hands. Thanks so much!

[AliasTheory]

Oh wow, that was fast. ^^;

 

Don't ever feel rushed either, and write when you feel like it. That's what I do. Take your time and in poetry especially, pick the exact words you want. Like take for example the following:

 

Gong

Ting

Chime

Clank

Jingle

Jangle

Reverberation

 

They all mean to ring. Contextually, which is the most appropriate? You have to decide that. Reverberate probably does not nearly as much of a place in poetry as the others due to its technical connotation, but still possible. Because one might see a ringing as a pleasant sound, the another as a vibration of particles. There's a lot to think about.

 

[EDIT] Fixed 'dem typos

Edited November 29, 2010 by AliasTheory

[TheSwedishPancake]

Yeah, I should probably invest in a thesaurus, or at least use an online one. I did have a rhyming dictionary on hand, though.

 

Thanks for the help. Also, do you know of any sources on the Internet that could educate me about poetic meter, about which I know nothing? ;)

[AliasTheory]

If you are going to use a thesaurus, don't go happy with it. I've reviewed some really funny papers where people do it.

 

Albeit of a perspicacious individualism, the effervescent individual's peregrination terminated abruptly.

 

...aka, "Although observant, his journey quickly ended."

 

Or now my personal favorite thanks to my college professor,

 

"He precipitated over the granitic protuberance."

 

...aka, "He fell off the cliff."

 

But using a thesaurus can help in a pinch. The better thing to do is to try expand your vocabulary by reading lots of books and material, then learn when to apply the words.

 

And I do not know of any place unfortunately. But I was actually just going to mention that yeah...your poem does not "sing" very well. In some cases a break in the trend can make a line stick out along with its meaning or more. I don't know too much about it myself. =/

[Maharg67]

I liked parts of the poem but I am afraid to say I found the symbolism to be 'disjointed' and even contradictory as if you were not sure what kind of imagery or impressions you were trying to create. People need some kind of underlying theme or pattern to grasp hold of in poetry along with other forms of writing. I do see a great deal of potential.

 

I look forward to seeing more of your works in future.