The People's Tyrant

[Keanumoreira]

Tweetle - tee dee - Tweetle - tee dun,

Banish thy shadows from under the sun.

Tweetle - tee dee - Tweetle - tee mare,

Cry for freedom if they should care.

 

Rally your troops and signal the horn,

Raid all bearings and ignore the mourn.

Shout loud to all "Revolution is here!"

And lead those men into uncertain fear.

 

Storm through the land and don't you dare cower!

Burn through the fields till you reach the tower!

Burst open the doors and chain up the scourge,

Open the gates and escape from the gorge.

 

Gather the men and fight through dawn,

Bloody thy weapons till the hordes are gone.

Stand proud and true on the hill of dead,

And wait for the king to ready his head.

 

Return to the city and cheer at its core,

“The King has fallen; he is no more!”

Put on the crown and walk down the hall,

But beware the corruption to be thy fall.

 

So tweedle - tee dee - Tweetle - tee ord,

Crush thy enemies and sharpen the sword.

Tweetle - tee dee - Tweetle- tee delm,

Protect with earnest your tyrannous helm.

Edited December 3, 2010 by Keanumoreira

[AliasTheory]

This is a nice poem. Good words for your 1-2 and 3-4 rhyming. Very prideful.

 

IMO, although you emphasized the brute nature of the tyrant on a rather inspirational note, I wish you had concluded with the same atmosphere you had in the second stanza. The tyrant figure often has a negative connotation linked with themes of obsession, manipulation and again, brutality. It would have been nice to talk a bit more about the first two. The second and fourth lines in the second stanza I think do a good job leading into those themes.

 

"Blinded by power," would have been my main idea. Perhaps even allude to some historical tyrants as well.

[Keanumoreira]

This is a nice poem. Good words for your 1-2 and 3-4 rhyming. Very prideful.

 

IMO, although you emphasized the brute nature of the tyrant on a rather inspirational note, I wish you had concluded with the same atmosphere you had in the second stanza. The tyrant figure often has a negative connotation linked with themes of obsession, manipulation and again, brutality. It would have been nice to talk a bit more about the first two. The second and fourth lines in the second stanza I think do a good job leading into those themes.

 

"Blinded by power," would have been my main idea. Perhaps even allude to some historical tyrants as well.

 

It did feel like it was missing a little something huh? Maybe I'll edit it a bit, see if I can improve.

[Keanumoreira]

There, editing done.

 

Gave it a little filling to add more life to the poem.

Edited December 3, 2010 by Keanumoreira

[Maharg67]

Generaly I like the poem but there are some contradictions of 'feeling' to it as if the poem can not quite make up its mind at what it is trying to achieve. One line is a little confusing to me and that is the following: And wait for the king to ready for bed.

 

I look forward to reading more of your poems. :thumbsup:

Edited December 3, 2010 by Maharg67

[AliasTheory]

Maybe you should repost it or try juxtapose your changes. By no means am I correct. It's poetry.

 

But beware the corruption to be thy fall.

 

This is telling, not showing. This idea is what should have been laid out over the entire course of the poem. Paint a picture to appeal to the reader's sense of moral and have it speak for itself. One piece of imagery that works (but IMO would need more,) is the "hill of (the) dead." Maybe try prove that "you" shows a disregard for life?

 

I suggest you study propaganda art forms. In ways it is crude and malicious, but it is undoubtedly a craft. Their messages, often lies, can be quite haunting and powerful.

 

[EDIT]

 

@Maharg: Probably because of the last minute add-on.

 

The poem more consistent and smooth initially.

Edited December 3, 2010 by AliasTheory

[Keanumoreira]

Generaly I like the poem but there are some contradictions of 'feeling' to it as if the poem can not quite make up its mind at what it is trying to achieve. One line is a little confusing to me and that is the following: And wait for the king to ready for bed.

 

I look forward to reading more of your poems. :thumbsup:

 

The lines basically explain themselves if you think about it M. I changed it to something better through my later editings, but it basically explains his defeat and execution.

[Keanumoreira]

Maybe you should repost it or try juxtapose your changes. By no means am I correct. It's poetry.

 

But beware the corruption to be thy fall.

 

This is telling, not showing. This idea is what should have been laid out over the entire course of the poem. Paint a picture to appeal to the reader's sense of moral and have it speak for itself. One piece of imagery that works (but IMO would need more,) is the "hill of (the) dead." Maybe try prove that "you" shows a disregard for life?

 

I suggest you study propaganda art forms. In ways it is crude and malicious, but it is undoubtedly a craft. Their messages, often lies, can be quite haunting and powerful.

 

[EDIT]

 

@Maharg: Probably because of the last minute add-on.

 

The poem more consistent and smooth initially.

 

It's not implying he is a tyrant, but the possibility that he could become one and that he should take care in his actions. I probably should have added more detail, but the pros to poems are that the readers are free to determine what it means in their own way. Not everyone will see the same thing, it is in the "Eye of the beholder" after all...

[AliasTheory]

It's not implying he is a tyrant, but the possibility that he could become one and that he should take care in his actions. I probably should have added more detail, but the pros to poems are that the readers are free to determine what it means in their own way. Not everyone will see the same thing, it is in the "Eye of the beholder" after all...

As M said it looks like your overall purpose shifts in between.

 

I do understand that but only because of the quoted line. Simply put, because you told me. Give some foreshadowing.

[Keanumoreira]

It's not implying he is a tyrant, but the possibility that he could become one and that he should take care in his actions. I probably should have added more detail, but the pros to poems are that the readers are free to determine what it means in their own way. Not everyone will see the same thing, it is in the "Eye of the beholder" after all...

As M said it looks like your overall purpose shifts in between.

 

I do understand that but only because of the quoted line. Simply put, because you told me. Give some foreshadowing.

 

Will do.