SOME VERY BAD JOKES

[krimzin]

How do you make holy water?

Boil the hell out of it.

 

Today, I changed a lightbulb. Then I crossed the road and walked into a bar, that's when I realized my life is a joke.

 

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks "Why the long face?" The horse does not respond because it is a horse. It can neither speak nor understand English.It is confused by it's surroundings and gallops out of the bar, knocking over a few tables.

 

What do Billy the Kid and Winnie the Pooh have in common?

Same middle name.

 

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

He wiped

 

A panda walks into a restaurant and orders dinner. When the waiter brings the check, the panda suddenly stands up, shoots the waiter, and goes running out the door.

A witness can't help shouting, "How could you do such a thing?!?"

The fleeing animal responds, "I'm a panda. Look it up."

Not knowing what else to do, the witness finds a dictionary and reads:

Panda -- an asian mammal that eats shoots and leaves.

[Maharg67]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Oh no, not this again, can't you think of something new?

 

Why did the elephant cross the road?

To get to the other side.

 

Why did the Brother of Steel cross the road?

To get to the other side.

 

These jokes are not getting funnier!

[Sync182]

How do you fit 4 elephants in a Mini?

2 in the front, 2 in the back.

 

How do you tell if there's an elephant in your fridge?

There's a footprint in the butter.

 

How do you tell if there's 2 elephants in your fridge?

There's 2 footprints in the butter.

 

How do you tell if there's 3 elephants in your fridge?

There's 3 footprints in the butter.

 

How do you tell if there's 4 elephants in your fridge?

There's a Mini parked outside.

[DarkNinja13]

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

 

Only one, but the light bulb has to want to change

[krimzin]

In Soviet Russia, lightbulb screws you.

[krimzin]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pRNOjFl4bC0

[Sync182]

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE

 

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

 

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

 

MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

 

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

 

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

 

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

 

SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

 

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

 

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

 

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as when they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

 

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

 

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

[Sync182]

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

All the king's horsemen and all the king's men,

Had scrambled eggs for breakfast.

[Maharg67]

There was this Russian, American and Scotsman.

Or was that a Russian, American and an Irishman?

Anyway they were in an aeroplane.

Or was it a submarine?

No it was an aeroplane.

So, to recap, there was this Russsian, American and Australian.

So the Australian says, 'I have a very nice yak'.

Except maybe an Australian would not say that.

There was this Russian, American and Mongolian.

So the Mongolian says, 'I have a very nice yak but its batteries are flat'.

Ooommm, maybe that does not make so much sense.

So, lets recap.

There was this Russian, American and Japanese woman.

The Japanese woman says, 'I have a very nice yak but its batteries are flat'.

No, still have not quite got it yet.

What do we really know.

They are all in an aeroplane, unless they are in a train.

Ooommm, no it is an aeroplane.

Unless it is a space shuttle.

It could be a space shuttle.

Anyway there is this Russian cosmonaut, American astronaut and this alien invader.

........

[SilverDNA]

A very bad German "Anti-Joke" is this :

"Two Aliens fly through the woods.

Says the on to the other:

"I want to fly in the middle too!"

 

I know it needs some thinking but i heard it a lot here so when you are stopped thinking the brain changes its physical state from liquid to gaseous form.

Edited March 14, 2011 by SilverDNA