Jokes

[Marcus Wolfe]

Here's ten questions:

 

Questions:

 

1. When I go in I might cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. What am I?

 

2. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. What am I?

 

3. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes like to lick my nuts. What am I?

 

4. I go in hard. I come out soft. You ban me hard . What am I?

 

5. All day long it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What am I?

 

6. I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When You ban me you feel good. What am I?

 

7. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news. What am I?

 

8. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off. What am I?

 

9. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a big swinger. What am I?

 

10. I'm at least 6 inches long. I leave foamy lubrication when engaged in my job. What am I?

 

 

 

 

 

Answers:

 

1. a dentist

2. a wedding ring

3. peanut butter

4.chewing gum

5. an elevator

6. a nose

7. a newspaper boy

8. a glove

9. a crane

10. a toothbrush

 

Now Really! Just what were you thinking?

Hey Ninjalord, Yah missed one

11. What's long hard and full of semen?

Ans: A submarine (whoops looks like I misspelled seamen)

[oddrobb749]

Aren't we supposed to rate them?

 

Marcus Wolfe 2

 

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

 

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

 

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

 

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “Okay, now what?”

[hoots7]

Aren't we supposed to rate them?

Yes, but no flaming

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

 

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

 

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

 

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “Okay, now what?”

 

2, Sounds like you guys have Jersey jokes like we have Aggie jokes.

[Peregrine]

Hillarious joke (watch the entire thing): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tGVL_reIuJM...ted&search=

[Marcus Wolfe]

????

Anyways...............................

On parent teacher night, Mr.Wiggleberth looked nervously out on the assembling crows of parents.

 

In the first interview, one of the parents tells him "Look, I know my son says I put people six feet under, but I'm not a serial killer. I'm a mortician." Mr.Wiggleberth was relieved and the interview went well.

 

In the second interview, one of the parents tells him "Look, I know my son says I make things explode, but I'm not a pyromaniac as much as pyrotechnist. I make and light fireworks." Mr.Wiggleberth was again relieved and the interview also went well.

 

In following interviews, parents whose kids claim to sell drugs were just pharmacists, 'chainsaw wielders' were local lumberjacks, butchers were, well, butchers and 'senseless fight pickers' amateur boxers. Until the last interview......

 

"Ah, Mr.Jambia, at last the final interview comes. It's weird. Your kid claims you are a member of the Mafia."

 

"Mr.Wiggleberth, I am about to make you an offer you can't refuse......"

[Heretic666]

Time for a bit of british humour I think....

 

Bloke heads to a pub called "the queens legs" but its closed so he buggers off for five minutes, when he comes back its still closed so he waits for a while, eventually a suspicious bobbie wanders up to the bloke and asks "why you doing standing out here, then?" the bloke casually replies "im waiting for the queens legs to open so I can have a drink"

 

Hehehe cracks me up every time, american audiances might not appreciate it but its damned funny when when you hear it for the first time

[PaulEmil]

Time for a bit of british humour I think....

 

Bloke heads to a pub called "the queens legs" but its closed so he buggers off for five minutes, when he comes back its still closed so he waits for a while, eventually a suspicious bobbie wanders up to the bloke and asks "why you doing standing out here, then?" the bloke casually replies "im waiting for the queens legs to open so I can have a drink"

 

I'm british, and I didn't get that. Oh....:D

[swordsman5]

Two Blondes getting legless in a pub one Tuesday night, and the barman says "It's not like you two to be getting plastered mid-week." "We're Celebrating" says one of the Blondes..."We just completed a 50 piece jig-saw puzzle and it only took us two and a half days!" Incredulous the barman says " WHAT! two and a half days for a 50 piece puzzle??????" "Yeah" replied the Blonde "Good isn't it, because it had 2 to 4 years on the box!"

[Jonlissla]

Two Blondes getting legless in a pub one Tuesday night, and the barman says "It's not like you two to be getting plastered mid-week." "We're Celebrating" says one of the Blondes..."We just completed a 50 piece jig-saw puzzle and it only took us two and a half days!" Incredulous the barman says " WHAT! two and a half days for a 50 piece puzzle??????" "Yeah" replied the Blonde "Good isn't it, because it had 2 to 4 years on the box!"

 

Haha, good one!

 

Here's a link for a short movie (more like accident while doing one) based on the SAW series.

Not really a joke, but it sure made me laugh my a$$ off.

[hoots7]

Two Blondes getting legless in a pub one Tuesday night, and the barman says "It's not like you two to be getting plastered mid-week." "We're Celebrating" says one of the Blondes..."We just completed a 50 piece jig-saw puzzle and it only took us two and a half days!" Incredulous the barman says " WHAT! two and a half days for a 50 piece puzzle??????" "Yeah" replied the Blonde "Good isn't it, because it had 2 to 4 years on the box!"

 

I agree with Jonlissla, that was a good one.

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