Jokes

[Jonlissla]

Haha, loved the Parrot joke, but I really didn't get the last one, about the nun. :rolleyes:

 

Still, all of them were damn good.

[poopgoblin]

I really didn't get the last one, about the nun. :rolleyes:

She was being cross with the vampire.

[hoots7]

Snappy Answers

A lady was picking through the frozen chickens at the supermarket, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked the shelf stacker, “Do these chickens get any bigger?" He replied, "No, they're dead."

 

The policeman got out of his car and the lad who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the policeman said. The lad replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the lad on his way without a ticket.

 

A lorry driver was driving along. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The policeman gets out of his car and walks around to the lorry driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck?" The lorry driver says, "No mate, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol."

 

A university lecturer reminds her students of tomorrow's final exam. "Now, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-alec bloke in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter. When silence is restored, the lecturer smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

 

Very good 3, like the driving ones, (I've got a lead foot).

[HellKnightX88]

Has anyone else seen those incredibly powerful advertisements in cinemas where each time a famous person clicked their fingers, an African child dies? I watched those, and couldn't help thinking, "well stop clicking your fingers!"

 

I, of course, don't have an accent. This is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly.

 

Jesus loves you... He's not 'in love' with you.

 

In the pursuit of scientific answers, animals have been tortured for the past 100 years. They're still not talking. I'm starting to think they don't know anything.

 

If we are all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?

 

Ten years after the Chernobyl accident, and am I the only one that's disappointed? Still no superheros.

 

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.

 

A dog is for life not just for Christmas, so be careful at the next office Christmas party.

 

The reason old man use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It's that old women are so very ugly.

 

I've got a friend whose nickname is "Shagger". You might think that's pretty cool. She doesn't like it.

 

I've got a friend; she's got a theory. She reckons that the way to drive a man wild with desire is to nibble on their earlobes for hours on end. I think its bollocks.

 

If you tell a girl you like her but she says "I love you more like a brother", suggest a weekend in Norfolk. Unless you're from Norfolk, in which case it probably is your sister.

 

I hate those e-mails where they try to sell you penis enhancers. I got ten just the other day. Eight of them from my girlfriend. It's the two from my mum that really hurt.

 

"Close to comedy genius" - The Guardian. Don't worry. It's a newspaper for teachers. I wouldn't expect you to understand.

 

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.

 

My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I'd ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying "Can I have a new bike?". He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.

 

When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.

 

I grew up in Slough in the 1970's, if you want to know what Slough was like in the 1970's, go there now.

 

My favourite road sign is 'Falling Rocks'. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying "Random accidents ahead", "Life's a lottery, Be lucky."

 

I was out with a friend and he came over with a pair of girls. I said to him "They're like buses." He said "What? Because you wait for ages and then two come along at once." I said "No, they are like buses!"

 

Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.

 

When I was a kid, I used to have an imaginary friend. I thought he went everywhere with me. I could talk to him and he could hear me, and he could grant me wishes and stuff too. But then I grew up, and stopped going to church.

 

Once I was doing a sponsored walk. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.

 

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All right, but we won't get much done."

 

Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"

 

I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead.

 

I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

 

I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read "Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water". And I couldn't help thinking, she should move.

 

African child dies? I watched those, and couldn't help thinking, "well stop clicking your fingers!"

 

I did a gig in the US once for the homeless. I said "It's nice to see so many bums on seats".

 

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

 

I had a survey done on my house. 8 out of 10 people said they really rather liked it.

 

I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem.

 

In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's a pizza.

 

There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me "oh don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys". Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it's happening to more than one of us, don't you think it could be YOUR fault?

 

Theres been a lot of talk about genetic engineering I was wondering, is it wrong to breed piglets specifically for the purposes of weaning paedophiles off babies, only I'm thinking of starting a company called "They'll squeal, but not to the cops".

 

Boxers don't have sex before a fight, do you know why that is? They don't fancy each other.

 

I'd like to leave you ladies and gentlemen with this frightening fact: I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but if you took all the money that we in the West spend on food in one week, you could feed the Third World for one year. I'm not sure about you people, but I think we're being overcharged on groceries.

 

My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident.

 

No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea.

 

See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. Rohypnol.

 

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian...

 

My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."

 

My girlfriend sat me down the other day for a chat. I say 'chat', it was her talking at me for six hours. I didn't realise that when men say they're 'spoken for' that's actually what they mean. She said "Jimmy, our relationship is at a crossroads. Down one road is struggle and hardship, but eventually, happiness. The other, well, that's a dead end." So I replied, "That's not a crossroads, that's a T-Junction".

 

Throwing acid is wrong, in some people's eyes.

 

A big girl once came up to me after a show and said "I think you're fatist." I said "No, no. I think you're fattest."

 

When someone close to you dies, move seats.

 

I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow... children. That can't be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can't read it.

 

I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!"

 

I say no to gay marriage. It'll end up leading to gay divorce, and that'll be bitchy.

[PaulEmil]

Ah, quoting Jimmy Carr, I see. Nice.

[hoots7]

Question: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?

Answer: Claustrophobic.

 

Question: What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?

Answer: Ribbon hood.

 

Christmas is a time when people get emotional over family ties, particularly if they have to wear them.

 

Christmas is the time when people put so many bulbs on the outside of their houses, you don't know if they're celebrating the birth of Jesus or General Electric.

 

I know that people say "It's the thought that counts, not the gift", but couldn't people think a little bigger!

 

Question: What do you call Santa's Helpers?

Answer: Subordinate Clauses.

 

Every Christmas pageant throughout the world has a scene showing Joseph leading Mary into Bethlehem on a donkey. What would happen if the Republicans asked for equal time?

 

Question: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

Answer: Frostbite.

 

I bought my friend some gift wrapping paper for Christmas. I took it to the gift-wrap counter and told them to wrap it up.

 

Question: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?

Answer: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

[Sniperwhere]

What do you get when you cross an elefant with a rhino? Elifino.

 

01

10 - Binary Sudoku.

 

Why did the chicken cross the road? I haven't a god damned clue.

[Crisb92]

1 in 10 people can't use binary

 

4/3 of people don't know their fractions

 

For the third number one, check my sig.

 

Those were groan-worthy, hoots, very good.

 

Cris

[ResidentWeevil2077]

Q: A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?"

A: The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"

 

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Q: What's a pig's favourite ballet?

A: "Swine" Lake

 

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The Pig

A man was driving down the road in the country. He looked over and saw a baby pig in the field. He stopped and picked up the pig. He was driving around town with the pig in the car and a cop sees him and pulls him over.

 

The cop asks "Hey, What are you doing with that pig in the car?"

 

The driver replies "Well, I just found this pig beside the road in the field."

 

The cop says "I want you to take that pig to the zoo!"

 

The driver agrees he will take the pig to the zoo.

 

The next day the cop sees the guy driving around again and pulls him over. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING!? I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO TAKE THAT PIG TO THE ZOO!!"

 

He replied "Well I did take the pig to the zoo. We had such a good time, we're going to the ball game now."

 

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Ham & Eggs

A pig and a chicken were walking by a church where a gala charity event was taking place. Getting caught up in the spirit, the pig suggested to the chicken that they each make a contribution.

 

"Great idea!" the chicken cried, "Let's offer them ham and eggs!"

 

"Not so fast," said the pig testily. "For you, that's a contribution. For me, it's a total commitment."

 

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Q: What's a crafty pig called?

A: CunningHAM

 

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Some Deep Thoughts About Pigs & Sheep

Do you think sheep know when you're pulling the wool over their eyes?

 

Does the person who inventories sheep often fall asleep on the job?

 

If a pig is sold to the pawn shop is it then called a ham-hock?

 

If we make sweaters out of a sheep's hair, what do the sheep use to make sweaters?

 

If you can't make a silk purse from a sow's ear what can you make with it?

 

If you pushed a pig down a hill would he be a sausage roll?

 

What do pigs say when they don't want to do something? Would it be 'Yeah, when humans fly'?

 

What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep?

 

Why can't pigs look up into the sky?

 

Why do pigs have curly tails?

 

Why do we call them "guinea pigs" when they are neither from Guinea nor are they pigs?

 

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

 

Why is it that only pigs and humans can get sunburn?

 

Why is it that the first thing we try to do after killing a pig is to cure it?

 

Would a small pig be called a hamlet?

 

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Q. Why did the three little pigs decide to leave home?

A. They thought their father was an awful boar.

 

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The Farmer & His Pig

On a drive in the country, a city slicker noticed a farmer lifting a pig up to an apple tree and holding the pig there as it ate one apple after another.

 

"Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about," said the city slicker, "but if you just shook the tree so the apples fell to the ground, wouldn't it save a lot of time?"

 

"Time?" said the farmer. "What does time matter to a pig?"

 

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The Pig with the Wooden Leg[/i]

A traveler was driving through Arkansas when he lost his way and got off the main highway. As he drove by, he saw rows and rows of pigsties and pigpens and pigs running in fields and pigs wallowing in mud. Suddenly, his eye caught something really strange. He did a double take, muttered to himself and then looked a third time. He wondered if he had seen correctly - it looked like a pig with a wooden leg!

 

He found the lane to the farm and drove up into the farmyard, where he was met by the farmer. "Excuse me," the traveler said. "I was just driving by and looking at all your pigs, and I noticed something that I just had to stop and ask about. Tell me, did I see right? Is there really a pig out there with a wooden leg?" The farmer smiled. "Oh, that would be old Caesar you saw. He's the finest pig a man could ever hope to have - and smart! Well, let me tell you a little about that pig. You see that barge down there on the river? That's a mining dredge, taking out platinum ore. Old Caesar sniffed out the vein and showed us how to set it up. Now that dredge brings me in about $120,000 every year.

 

"There's another thing, too, a little more personal. One night a couple of years ago I got to drinking and I guess I had more than I should have. I passed out drunk, fell down and knocked over a lamp. That started a fire in the house and old Caesar smelled the smoke. He came in the back door, got the wife and kid out, roused me up and got me out. "There is no question about it - that night old Caesar saved all our lives and you know that is not the sort of thing a man is going to forget too easily."

 

"Why," the traveler said, "this is all amazing! I have never heard of a pig like this before! This is fantastic! But tell me, how did he get that wooden leg? Was he in a wreck or something?"

 

The farmer laughed and said, "Well, naturally, when you have a pig that smart, you don't want to eat him all at one time!"

 

 

All jokes were courtesy of this site

[GrandMastaThief]

Anything is possible... when you have the right guns. :biggrin:

 

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A gentleman walk up to a blond attractive woman, who seems to have lost her cat in a tree.

 

The man rescues the cat and the blond says, "What a gentleman, mind walking me home to my boyfriend?"

 

The man then kicks the cat back on the tree, utering "Always a gentlemen, never a gentle loser."

 

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Spam isn't only for dinner, its for you Inbox too!

 

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Q: Why did the fat man cross the road?

A: To eat the chicken.

 

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When your in love, life becomes an illusion... and every second you spend with your lover is like a minute in heaven.

 

And heaven is a great place to be with your lover... and you never realize that heaven and your lover stole your wallet.

 

(Come on, I am the Grand Masta Thief after all)

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Leet speakers of the today suffer from a very common desease among /\/006z ( coudn't resist :thumbsup: )

 

Deemed, Stayinroomalldayeatingfununsandplayinghaloitus.

 

 

THE END...(hopefully the chicken joke wasn't offensive? :confused: )