Rate my Book?

[Virnem]

I'm currently writing a book slightly based on The Elder Scrolls. I need feed back. Rate this piece please.

 

I found myself in a dark and desolate forest. It was raining, as it had been for weeks. I was hiding, my sword safe at my side. This hollow tree was a good shelter, but with the added weight of the water falling down on it, it wouldnt last long.The tear in my soul was still very large, but the winds of time were doing a good job slowly repairing the damage that Manic's spells had done. I still felt the pain from his cuts.

 

" How did I end up like this?" I thought to myself.

 

" Do you even have to ask?" My mind roared with the dark warped voice of the, now wide awake, Flameswarn. The Sword was finaly willing to talk to me. I was shocked at the head ache its voice came with.

 

"Well, I didnt exactly sign up for this."

 

"I picked your world at random, I could have picked anyone from your 'Earth' I wanted to, but ou showed me that you could find me, and handle my power. I didnt tell you to do all of this, I simply sent you to my world. The world that needed you the most. Your choices guided you to me, and guided us both to where we are right now. I never had any influance."

 

"So, you're telling me, we both ended up in this ordeal because you thought I could fight Manic, the most diabolical Necromancer that ever lived, on my own? You didnt think I could have used a little help along the way?"

 

"Your soul was true, you knew what you were doing. Me talking to you before now would only have hinderd you. You've kept us alive this long, what will cause you to give up now?"

"I never said that I was giving up."

 

"Good."

The Winds of Time had done their job well, and my soul was completly healed. The cuts on my arms and hand were almost fully healed. I removed the mystic hour glass from my cheast and tucked it away in my pack.

 

"Time to go, Have you finished repairing your blade?" I was shocked at how naturaly it felt to talk to flameswarn.

 

"I'm just about finished, there are still a few chips, but that I'll fix on the way to Frastcrig."

 

"Good. It is your blade that will slice the neck of Manic, and I want his death to come as swift as he caused Indorn to fall."

 

And with that, we left the old tree to its life, and begain to make our way to the mythical Castle Frastcrig.

Edited August 14, 2011 by Virnem

[Vagrant0]

Honestly? The way you have spoken dialogue with narration makes it difficult to read. I'm not sure if this is part of some style you're trying, but you should try again. Eg;

"Where is my hat?" The man asked with a confused look on his face.

 

"I havn't the slightest idea." I replied trying to hide a smug grin and using all my willpower to not look toward the corner where I had stashed it. "Perhaps you left it at work?"

 

"I don't think..." The man scratched his balding head in puzzlement occasionally changing glances between myself and the shelf where his things were. "Maybe."

 

"I'm sure it will turn up." I tried to sound encouraging despite my intents to destroy that hideous thing the moment he was gone. "Best run along now or you'll be late."

and so on... It's easier to read and know who is speaking as well as both determine the tone of what is said as well as shed light onto the speaker. Lines of just dialogue can be a real mess, especially when you don't know anything about either character. Yes, in the back of your mind you know that it's usually two people taking turns, but as people read it, if there aren't occasional bits of extra information, it becomes tiring to keep track.

 

The language seems a bit cumbersome and forced, but I'd really need a larger excerpt to get a good feeling of to what degree. People who start out writing, typically fantasy try to over-mystify their words, up-speak, and what comes out usually feels forced and preachy. Try to describe things as plainly but with as much detail as you see fit. If you're going to use something specific to describe an effect, you pretty much always have to explain what that effect is somewhere.. usually on the first appearance. Otherwise people tend to scratch their head and make silly faces at your text until you do so.

 

 

Beyond that, fan-fiction is usually a poor vehicle for any sort of literary effort. There's a reason why 99% of fan-fiction sucks, there's too much mashing of lore, facts, characterizations, and crap that the author made up for their story to work. Also... It can lead to legal issues since you're technically using someone else's intellectual property... Poorly. If you're doing it for fun or to play with style and form, that's fine, but if you're looking to do anything substantial with it, or put any real effort into it, you should just do your own thing from the start (and make sure it isn't too close to anyone else's thing".

[Virnem]

I'm only using the "Style" from TES. I liked their style of world and lore, so I'm just getting ideas from that. There are absolutelyc NO similarities from it.

[ub3rman123]

That can't be the way people talk in Oblivion. They haven't mentioned mudcrabs yet.

[Fonger]

That can't be the way people talk in Oblivion. They haven't mentioned mudcrabs yet.

just fell off my chair.

[Halororor]

I agree with Vagrant. Your dialogue comes across as clunky, and that's a bad thing. You often come across aspiring writers who show real talent, but then the way they handle their dialogue kills their work. Dialogue is a really important part of any written piece, and therefore it is not only the most important, but also one of the most difficult to do. Two key things I've been told to remember, is the following;

 

1- Always remember, you're writing about humans or beings possessing humanoid intelligence. They should talk like a normal human being would.

2- Know when to elaborate on a characters mannerisms, and when to keep it as short as possible. You don't have to explain everything about how the character says something or what he does during it. Use descriptive words; hissed, spat, growled, chortled, guffawed. Take a look at the following two sentences.

 

"Bring it," Andrew said, looking at Benson with an angry look on his face.

"Bring it," Andrew challenged.

 

Dialogue should flow. The first sentence is going to break the entire flow of the dialogue if most of the sentences look like that. The second sentence is going to do a lot more to increase the pace of the dialogue. Don't exclude descriptions entirely, but don't overuse them either.

[Vagrant0]

I'm only using the "Style" from TES. I liked their style of world and lore, so I'm just getting ideas from that. There are absolutelyc NO similarities from it.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Style_%28fiction%29

 

 

As for some really good general advice before doing any writing... Read, Read, Read, Read, Read. Read works which are generally regarded as good, to the point where you can see all their flaws and can say with confidence "This is actually kinda bad and I KNOW I can do better."

And that isn't actually coming from me...

 

THIS is how you learn to write well. An author who has not read a sizable amount of quality work (50,000+ pages) is like an aspiring pro-athlete who has either never seen the game played, or who has only played in little league.

[grannywils]

Virnem, I am not a writer of fiction. However, I am an avid reader of both fiction and non-fiction; and I can tell you that both Vagrant0 and Halororor have been absolutely "spot on" with their suggestions. There is nothing wrong with your idea. But you need to work a bit the presentation if you want to get the attention of your audience.

[Deleted1848331User]

It looks like you do descriptions good, it's just you need to work on dialogue.

 

Also, you spelled chest wrong :rolleyes:

[Halororor]

And remember, no matter how well you write, if you don't bring some originality to the table, you're not going very far. One of the main reasons I never got further than the planning phases of my novels, was because I'm not very good at thinking up my own stuff. I have very little in the way of the creativity department.