From self to self

[ComputerAngel]

A letter from self to self,

 

How are you? Feeling hollow and empty inside? Wanting a way to vent your stupidity without allowing others to suffer having to read it themselves? Aw pathetic aren't you my dear? I am well aware of your stupidity and your short comings. I know well every little thing you hate about yourself and how you wish you could change it all. After all I am you. I know everything about you and you I. We are one person yet we feel separate due to your loneliness. After all after having everyone break free from you has left you feeling sad and alone. You poor pathetic girl. I have no sympathy to someone like you. Someone who could change herself if she worked at it rather than wallowing in your self doubt crying over someone who never cared about you. Feeling anguish over people who wouldn't give a f**k if tomorrow you disappeared off the face of the earth. Face facts hun, you are alone and everyone is probably better off due to that fact.

 

Doesn't matter what you do. You try to hide the ugliest parts of you, smile and put on a 'sweet' act and try to appease everyone around you. 'Don't let them see me.' 'Don't let them know how fragile and sad I am.' 'Don't be disappointed in me.' 'I'm sorry I'm me.' 'I'm sorry I exist.' Always having such useless thoughts. I wonder about you (or rather us as unfortunate as the case may be) and wonder how long you can continue existing in this stagnate and delusional state that if you want long enough or 'act' better that someone will come to care for you or at the very least pity you. Well sweety I pity you if that's any consolation. I hope you pity me as well since I am stuck with you.

 

I have to admit I laugh whenever I see your attempts at writing. Trying so hard to be poetic and deep when you're as shallow as a puddle. Maybe it's more accurate to state that you are too naive or just don't have the firm grip on reality that the rest of humanity does. Seems in that way you are lacking as well. After all how many people often berate themselves in their mind with their thoughts constantly? Being unable to sleep unless you have some sound going and having to blast music in your ears whenever you get the chance? But it's a bit of a relief to me when you do. Honestly there's only so many times I can shout at you about how stupid and worthless you are and have you meekly think back 'I know' before it starts to get boring.

 

Even now you're writing a letter to yourself out of what? Loneliness? Hoping to get a better understanding of your 'thoughts' (if they can even be called that)? To get attention? (Hahaha who would bother.) And the saddest part is that you're actually thinking these words all yourself, acknowledging them as your own and not your own. The voice of self loathing and disgust for yourself as well as the meek and timid part that just agrees with the part of you that hates yourself. The part you insist on focusing on in this so called letter to yourself or whatever the hell you want to call it. Do you really see me as a separate part of yourself? Well no of course not. If you did you would have made me deny us being the same person more wouldn't you? Or is this some sort of pathetic attempt of yours to play the victim once more? "Look at me everyone! Look how sad and lonely I am! Pay attention to me!"

 

Oh but that isn't right is it? Because you always feel sad about bothering people don't you? That's why you feel so awkward about talking to people isn't it? What was it dad used to say? "Don't speak unless spoken to?" "Just shut up and don't argue?" Really took his words to heart didn't you?

 

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I....I don't even know what to say about this.

 

This was a letter to myself I started typing here and this is what it became.

 

:sad: I wish I understood what was wrong with me.

 

Please disregard it as anything of any sort of significance. I just...I need to acknowledge that this letter shows a parts of my mind I pretend don't exist. Even as I live in denial and delusion this will stand stark as a reminder of the truth of my situation.

[wizardmirth]

The bridge between two opposing selves, even though the one self might be a bit demeaning. Dark Half, anyone?

 

Sorry not to demean this is it's for real, I'm just saying that this is a very normal and natural thing for people to go through unless you are experiencing unusual blackouts. The creative and "all business" side must always deal with one another, but who is better? The point of contention must be where the control actually kicks in.

 

Good luck if you are for real. And if so then nothing wrong with you other than ancient dnas wanting to duke it out.... So show 'em who's boss by seriously digging further into whatever field you're into. Then sooner or later they are bound to get bored and go watch reruns.

[TheClosestPickle]

I think... what you have stumbled upon in writing this is perhaps the most haunting and bone-chilling circumstance of our reality: Facing the entirety of all we know, all we've seen, all our fears and failures, and staring back at a terrifying visage in the form of the unbridled and merciless force of confronting our own frailty.

 

Beyond mostly everyone do I know this very struggle, that of one's past and shortcomings raging through every single heartbeat and thought. There is little that is more horrifying than to confront one's inner demons, because we know we cannot change the past even though it so clearly is a part of us we simply can't shake.

 

And in the end? Only one party remains: You... or the demons. You kill them... or they kill you. The grand question: Are you going to let them win?