Ways Of Getting Over The One You Loved

[Dark0ne]

If you had read the "Why's it so hard" thread you'd know I recently split up with my girlfriend of 10 months. I'll admit I really did love her, and thats part of the reason why I'm finding it so hard to get over her.

 

I'm really calling for any experienced people in this area to come forward and share their experiences, how they got over the loss of their loved ones and any tips or pointers...don't really want opinions from those of the community who openly admit to never partaking in a relationship (i.e. no "I've never been out with someone but . . . ")

 

Let me know if there's any advice I need to know.

[Malchik]

The loss of one you care about is equivalent to bereavement (and before you ask, yes I have been to counselling because of it). In some ways it is worse because with death there has to be closure whereas in splitting up the other person is still there and can be seen.

 

My only advice, and it is not easy to follow, is to give yourself the space to grieve for the loss of what was once dear to you. Let it happen rather than try to hide by immediately rushing into another relationship.

 

It doesn't hurt to keep occupied, although you must allow the time for mourning or you are simply bottling it up and effectively keeping it going for longer.

 

And whilst this probably sounds callous - it's not intended to be - you have got to think how many hundreds of people have got through similar set backs and grown stronger by them. I count myself as one. There are a couple who regularly post on this forum that have had similar experiences recently!

 

All the best!

[vandorssen]

To paraphrase Jean-Luc Picard “When I have some advice [in matters of love], I will give it.”

 

I have not had any first hand relationships with the fairer gender. However, I have seen many successful and unsuccessful relationships in practice. I do not know on what terms you and your beloved parted, but if you are still able to be good friends, that is something. My aunt and uncle are going through a divorce right now, and part of their reasoning for doing it now is that they wish to remain friends, and not become bitter and resentful of one another. I think that is a good idea.

 

Perhaps this should be a time of reflection for you. Look back over 10 months, and see what it was that worked, but look also for where you may have fouled up. If it was a pleasurable time, be grateful for it, but do not dwell on it. That only makes matters worse. Remember also that the relationship and its termination were not (I am assuming) entirely your doing. Instead of sulking at the thought of “What could I have done differently”, ask yourself “What could we have done differently.”

 

I’m sorry for your loss, and that my small knowledge in such maters is certainly of little help. But I would end with this overly used (but nonetheless appropriate) aphorism: It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.

[Dark0ne]

Thank you both for your words.

[dunmer_jediknight]

I have been in love many times and had my love sredded many times. The way to get throu it is to move on.I know that is hard ( believe me, the last relationship i was in I saw me really settiling down with her and she felt as i did, in the end that is why she left me). But life is full of joy and it is full of pain, as long as you learn from life and not regret your experences you will find it easier to move on and find that one who may (or may not) stay with you. Life has no garentiees in it and if it did life would be too boring to live.

[thanateros]

I've only really been in love once, and the relationship lasted nearly 2 years. I still am not sure why exactly we broke up but it wasn't on the best of terms. The thing that helped the most was the 1) we were going to seperate colleges and 2) that I had (and have) great friends who know what it's like to go through something like that. Time doens't necessarily heal all wounds I'm affraid, but in the same light what I've found is the best way to move on is to take the relationship as a learning experience. First let me say that you should allow yourself the time to grieve, that's the most important. If that means curling up into a ball in your bed, eating ice cream and watching movies all day, then allow yourself the time to get it out of your system. Then I would tell you to go to your friends, since they more than anyone are going to be your best support group; do things that you would normally do with just them, go out to dinner, go driving etc. I have to ask though, do you have a lot of mutual friends? My most recent relationship involved many mutual friends, at the time we broke up I really didn't have many people to run to who were just my friends. Only run to people who are just your friends and not hers.

 

I wish I could say that I've fully recovered from both relationships (the first one 3 years ago the most recent 1) but I haven't; they are an intergral part of who I am as a person, in some ways better, in some worse, but in either case I'm more experienced. Once you have the time to reflect you'll discover that there are many things you will learn about your identity having shared you life with a significant other. I can, at least, say that after much contemplation in both instances that I realize my flaws when I'm in a relationship, which are important to recognize as things to try and fix if/when you get into another. Dark0ne, It's the pits I know, but give it a couple of weeks and things will start to be put into perspective. I hope this helps.

[SilvuruAgnost]

Well I am kind of youn but i did had a girlfriend that I really cared about. We were togheter for a year. Then I saw that one of my ex. friend was kissing here. It got my heart broken

 

But I got here back and she regreted that she had kissed here. But after a month we broke up again

[SPiDeRNiaLL]

Hey Dark One,

 

I know its a few months down the line, just wanting to know how uve been getting on, as the above, i know what its been like to love, and have it removed, u feel like ur world has been torn apart and y, u just dont know. Its hard, and i hope uve been able to cope, seeing my ex hurt me alot, and today i still feel some hurt and find it hard to get into other relationships, u gotta put it behind, look back now and again and remember the good times you had and be thankful that u had that opportunity in life and that there will be plenty more and oneday, bam ul b 80yrs old with ur wife of 40or so years will b sitting right next to u,

 

interesting philosphy ehh, well just let me see how u got on. k

[Hogosha Ookami]

I have nothing comforting to offer, so if you are looking for an easy way out then stopp reading now

 

 

If it was true love, not lust but love, then i am sorry, there is no way to "get over it." Love is permanent. I Love some one who does not return that love. We are great friends and i can hope for nothing more. I charish every last moment i have with this person but at the same time every moment we spend as "friends is like another dart in my heart, but i keeep coming back for more because it is true love. If ther is a way to "get over" some one then i dont know if i even want to know it.

[Alexander the Great]

Here is the key piece of advice. Dont think about it. Try to live your life as it was before hand. If it keeps popping up in your mind then think it through. Just think about why it affects you so much. If this girl is such a key thing in your life then find out what she did to make you so happy and see if its that importnat.

I am truly sorry for your loss, but you need to try to continue on and just do what you can in life. Time is truly the best thing for you. Time can heal all as they say. so good luck with that.