Hey, do you think it is me?

[diarmamburb]

I was recently reading a book about how to cope with overwhelming emotions and it read, "If you're in a painful situation and your emotions are going to overwhelm you and possibly make things worse, then often it's best just to leave." This reminded me of the many times I've left a party, a camping trip, a get together with family, or a friends house because I suddenly became profoundly depressed, with a sickening ache deep in my stomach. I would feel an almost uncontrollable urge to cry, but if I was unable to get away I would just shut myself out from everyone else and be silent, saying I was tired if someone asked if I was okay. Many times I have said goodnight to retreat to my room and cry. It is this side of me that I am ashamed of and have always tried to hide. To this day I hide my depression from my friends and sometimes family, so that I can have normal relationships with people and not be given special treatment. I feel shy and embarrassed in public, it is hard for me to look people in the eyes. When someone who cares asks me whats wrong I can't be real because I would be too emotional. I want so much to be close but I'm afraid and ashamed of who I am. I feel inadequate and unwanted. I feel like no one would want to be with someone insecure, hurt, and depressed. I keep finding out how much depression has been affecting every aspect of my life and been the driving force behind my biggest problems. It makes me want to feel like I'm a victim and its not my fault, and to forgive myself. For some reason I continue to feel like I am fundamentally flawed and should be rejected. I crave having a girlfriend to hold me and to be close to, and I feel ashamed of this desire, like it is childish or taboo. I do not feel like I am Okay the way I am, and even though I am aware of all the ways my thinking is flawed I haven't been able to feel differently. I can't lead a normal life when I feel like crying every day.

 

Thanks - Gareth Ackanowledge

[Iv000]

I know very well how you are feeling and what you're thinking.

A year ago, I couldn't look at myself in the mirror, I couldn't instant message with people out of anxiety and panic, social situations were living hell for me, I thought low of myself, extremely low and had zero self esteem. Right now I can easily look at myself, take pictures of me, talk with people though I still have problems with voice chat and video, social situations are much easier though are still uncomfortable. I have a beautiful, wonderful, helpful boyfriend who is helping me as well, my self esteem is getting higher and in general I'm starting to become less broken. Slowly, very slowly, but I'm getting there. I still have problems with depression and many more things, but it's safe to say I'm getting better with that as well.

 

Honestly, I don't know how I truly did it, how I started getting better. So I will try and give you tips on what I think made me feel better and more stable. (I am still unstable, and I have many problems. But as everything that will go away as well)

 

Firstly, if you don't already listen to music, do it now. Trust me, find the kind of music that you LOVE and listen to it, make yourself addicted to it, buy an mp3 player and listen to it often. But as a warning, make sure it's not only negative music. It should be upbeat, happy, it can be aggressive or slow either way, just make sure your music isn't full of sadness and depression. Right now I'm listening to my favorite music turned up loudly, and doing so has helped me through the past year. Music affects your brain in complicated ways, I did not research why or how, but I know it helped me and I hope it will help you.

 

Secondly and probably most importantly be yourself. I know that you think low of yourself, that you think you're pestering everybody. But you have to start believing in yourself, do not hide your true self from everybody. Be emotional, do tell people how you feel, don't be afraid of their reaction! The worst thing you can do with yourself is put on a social mask. Talk to your closest friend and tell him/her that you have problems, find someone who supports you. Only one person can make a life changing difference. Tell your family too, if they can understand it they will help you. Don't think you're alone, because I'm sure you're not. Just don't hide, and ask for help. Be yourself, and don't hide your emotions, open yourself and don't pressure yourself with a social mask, it's a horrible burden and I know that very. Do that and soon you'll start feeling alive, truly alive.

 

It's not childish if you want to be held by someone, nor is it something to be ashamed of or childish. It's natural to want to feel safe. I can't wait to be held by my boyfriend and I can't wait to hold him. It's the natural way of things, you want to have someone who is there for you and who can protect you or/and who you can protect. But please, don't go outside and pick the prettiest girl out there, choose with reason and remember that personality and intelligence are far more important than looks.

 

Thirdly find a hobby, something that can make you feel like you accomplished something. Learn an instrument, draw, learn programming, write a book, comics. Find an artistic outlet that you enjoy doing and do it. Not only does it distract you from your unnecessary negative thinking, it will also make you feel like you accomplished something, and most importantly it will raise your self esteem.

 

I have kind of just put random thoughts in this, so I apologize if it's not continuous and well written. I hope you'll get better soon and I hope that some of the things I wrote here will help you in some way. Trust me you will get better, it always gets better. Stay safe.

 

Edit:

Oh I just noticed you joined here yesterday. Welcome to the Nexus :happy: Unusual to see a help thread from someone completely new, I hope it's not a spambot acc xD We often see spam accounts here so it'd be a bit embarrassing if I gave advice to one :teehee:

Edited January 3, 2013 by Iv000

[Keanumoreira]

I've got a perfect song for this. :)

 

Edited January 4, 2013 by Keanumoreira

[Omeletter]

I know very well how you are feeling and what you're thinking.

A year ago, I couldn't look at myself in the mirror, I couldn't instant message with people out of anxiety and panic, social situations were living hell for me, I thought low of myself, extremely low and had zero self esteem. Right now I... etc, etc.

Is it OK for me to ask you what you think causes that panic and anxiety? As someone who never had problems like these I can't comprehend how this stuff happens.

[Iv000]

Is it OK for me to ask you what you think causes that panic and anxiety? As someone who never had problems like these I can't comprehend how this stuff happens.

I have mental problems because of a problematic pregnancy, a problematic birth, problematic childhood, and problematic teen age.

The problematic pregnancy and birth set the foundation for many mental disorders, the childhood ruined my self esteem and gave me even more self-image problems, and right now I'm bothering myself with living in a country whose society despises my sexual orientation which in turn gave me some kind(s) of trauma(s) which I did not get rid of yet.

 

That's just an example for me, I'm sure it's different for everybody else who has problems.