Need English speakers to verify this dialogue :)

[EnaiSiaion]

Before I pass this textfile on to the voice actors, can someone read this over and validate its English? English is my third language and um... :(

Credit will be given, etc.

The main questline has two voiced actors:
- Varkas: highly cynical captain of "offshore maritime acquisitions" (pirate and slave trader)
- Azura

 

 

-- QUEST: SINK OR SWIM --
[arrives in Dunaduan for the first time]
* Well, well! Look what washed up on the shores of paradise!

And you are?
* I am Varkas, captain of this awe inspiring fleet. I mean this awe inspiring pile of firewood, thanks to Krevor, our most excellent navigator over there.
* As for our cargo, the bad news is that they drowned. The good news, they built all of this for us first. Behold the fruits of Khajiit craftsmanship!

Paradise?
* This magnificent city is Dunaduan, which means Dark Darkness. It is quite a nice place to spend the rest of your life.
* I wouldn't bother thinking about my loved ones again if I were you. The currents are interesting around here.
* At least we can relish in the warm and fuzzy thought that we're not the only ones freezing our ears off.

There are others?
* Stormcloaks. They have a camp north of us. It is fairly cozy, though somewhat devoid of life. Azura knows what happened to them. Most crews who crash here don't last long.
* But some are kind enough to leave behind a few poems to their sweetheart or a diary of their descent into madness. Useful when we run out of firewood.

This place has many shipwrecks for such a remote corner of Nirn.
* You are currently within a stone's throw of the magnetic pole. It tends to /attract/ quite a few hobbyist helmsmen who can't tell their sextant from their mainsail. No offence.

I'm not a sailor. I was in Skyrim just a few minutes ago, casting a spell and...
* Ahhh, yes. That occasionally happens. We don't know why, and to be honest, we don't really care. I hope you've had a good life, because it just took a turn for the worse.

Thanks for allowing me to stay...
* You're welcome. There's an unoccupied bedroll in the cabin of the Dreadwind, the big ship over there. The previous owner hanged himself. Enjoy your stay at Dunaduan Inn.
* Should you desire to dress yourself sensibly, there is a shipwreck at the cliffs east of this camp.
* We haven't bothered to clean it out yet, but let us make an educated guess and assume the sailors were wearing clothes. Finders keepers.


-- QUEST: RESPECT FOR THE DEAD --
[returns from looting the shipwreck]
* Look at that! The splendour of your newfound regalia rivals that of Sotha Sil. I am almost blinded by your glory. Almost.
* Anyway, right now there are more important things in my life than you. Some Bosmer freighter just played chicken with Skall Island and it would be a shame if all his cargo went to waste, you see.
* If you'd like to repay our kindness, take this piece of delicious fruit and sacrifice it to Azura at the temple up on the northern cliffs.
* And show a little respect, please. Without her, we would be just like you: ugly and miserable. (non-dunmer)
* And don't forget to say your own prayer, too. She loves EVERY dunmer. (dunmer)


-- QUEST: AN APPLE A DAY --
[returns from the temple of Azura]
* So, did Azura appreciate my apple?

Azura answered me.
* Don't worry, you are not the first and you will not be the last. The next step is vivid delusions, then hallucinations, delirium and finally death.

She wanted you to see this.
* You're kidding, right? You're not even a dunmer. Your race worships only those vile, profane... wait, what? What did she tell you? (non-dunmer)
* No! This must be another cruel joke of fate. I tried everything, pleading, screaming, begging, the blood of my perfectly good crew members. And you just swagger up there and she comes down and discusses the weather with you? (dunmer)

This is between me and Azura.
* Okay. Okay. Excuse me while I go sulk in a corner. Enjoy your fling with our goddess.

She said something about a rival desecrating the pole.
* In ordinary circumstances, I would argue that there is nothing worth desecrating up here. But when Azura speaks, I duly bow my head and listen. Did she say more?

No. I was hoping you could tell me more.
* To be perfectly honest, I just realized this is between you and Azura, so I trust you to solve this enigma by yourself in due time. Good luck!
[Varkas ignores you at that point, leaving it up to you to find your way]


-- QUEST: EVE OF DESTRUCTION --
[quest is started]
* No need to say farewell. We'll meet each other in hell very soon.

I have to go now. Nirn needs me.
* So what's it going to be: a quick yet horribly painful death by a daedra's claws tearing off your face, the eternal torments of Quagmire or perhaps you will gloriously slip off the ice and drown? Take a spin on the wheel of misfortune!
* I know. I am such a luminescent beacon of hope.


-- CHAT --
[after finding the corpses of the Khajiit slaves]
So, did your cargo drown, or were they drowned?
* A most unfortunate accident. Most unfortunate! They disagreed with my business strategy. Offshore maritime acquisitions is a cutthroat market.

What stops me from strangling you right now?
* Do you dare strain the threads of fate? What if I am somehow crucial to your destiny? If the world is a stage, perhaps I am an essential actor in your play?
* I can see the fear in your eyes. You wish to swallow your words and resume your quest as if nothing happened.
* Too late. I have plenty of experience dealing with subversive cargo.
[starts combat]

I almost thought you were a reputable trader.
* Highest customer satisfaction in the business! I carry only the freshest and healthiest cargo!

I see. Where do I fit into your business strategy?
* In the group of "other losers stuck here with us forever". And "Occasionally entertaining, but quickly becoming tiresome".


-- AZURA AVATAR QUOTES --

* You have been chosen. Doom is about to befall Skyrim. A rival has descended upon the pole, spreading her foul corruption unto the seas and beyond. Your path will become clear soon, dragonborn. Now return to the treacherous dunmer and show him this token of my will.
* My rival's sphere is the realm of bad omens and terrors between dusk and dawn, ever encroaching upon my domain. Her name is Vaermina, Wearer of the Panoply. I cast a star unto her temple where those under her spell work to drown the world in darkness. Follow my light and bring ruin upon my nemesis.
* The Gifter's mortal worshippers chose the cold embrace of the night over the mysteries of twilight, and by night they shall be devoured. Take away the light to which they cling and watch as her demons claim their lives.
* My rival haunts the polar mountain, singing her dreadful song far and wide, drawing innocent sailors to their death. The souls of those who succumbed to her lure still linger. Save my children, dragonborn, so they may save you. Take this enchanted lantern and end their suffering.
* The killing spell upon the polar waters has lifted, dragonborn. Follow the path of ice from the edge of fire, travel to North's End and bring down my rival. I will watch over you.
* You averted a great disaster. I thank you, dragonborn. Nirn thanks you. May your deeds be entered in the Book of Fate. For your service, take this ring. When you wear it, you are under my protection.

Edited February 24, 2013 by EnaiSiaion

[Pevey]

This makes me excited to try out this mod.

 

My first suggested tweak: awe-inspiring should be hyphenated:

 

 

And you are?

* I am Varkas, captain of this awe-inspiring fleet. I mean this awe-inspiring pile of firewood, thanks to Krevor, our most excellent navigator over there.

[Pevey]

Second, on this line, I would simplify to make it sound more conversational:

 

Original:

* You are currently within a stone's throw of the magnetic pole. It tends to /attract/ quite a few hobbyist helmsmen who can't tell their sextant from their mainsail. No offence.

 

Suggested:

* You're within a stone's throw of the magnetic pole. It tends to /attract/ quite a few hobbyist helmsmen who can't tell their sextant from their mainsail. No offence.

 

Also, keep in mind that "offence" is UK English. That's fine, I just wanted you to know. "Offense" is the typical US spelling.

[Pevey]

Third tweak:

 

I would replace most of the cases of "it is" with "it's" to sound more conversational.

[Pevey]

On this line, I would replace "many" with "a lot of."

 

This place has many shipwrecks for such a remote corner of Nirn.

 

This place has a lot of shipwrecks for such a remote corner of Nirn.

[Pevey]

Just a check, is Skall Island meant to be Skull Island or Skaal Island, or is it spelled correctly?

[Pevey]

* I know. I am such a luminescent beacon of hope.

 

Suggested:

* I know. I'm such a luminescent beacon of hope.

[Pevey]

Wow, now that I'm all the way through it, I really want to play this mod. When is your target release?

[EnaiSiaion]

Woah! Much appreciated. Credit will be given. :) (Anyone else have some opinions?)

 

 

Just a check, is Skall Island meant to be Skull Island or Skaal Island, or is it spelled correctly?

 

Skall Island is correct in that the island shares its origin with the Skaal. :)

 

Third tweak:

 

I would replace most of the cases of "it is" with "it's" to sound more conversational.

 

Thanks. I was going for a kind of overly dramatic cynic, but apparently this is not actually a good idea.

 

Wow, now that I'm all the way through it, I really want to play this mod. When is your target release?

 

ASAP :) Actually I'm going for an early April release - I could rush and beat the March deadline for that stupid competition on SW but I'd rather have more functional (!) content (!).

 

It takes a while because I have to take into account all sorts of contingencies to go with the freeform layout. Quest: Vakras tells you to sacrifice his apple to Azura. Bethesda approach: make Vakras essential and make the apple a quest object, then add a Retard Arrow™ pointing to the shrine. My approach: should you arrive in the area and decide to sacrifice an apple to Azura for no particular reason, the quest will resume from there. Should Vakras be dead, no problem. Should you take Vakras' precious apple and throw it into a volcano, no problem. (Which is why Vakras has a hair trigger temper and will attack you if you say something wrong. Players are way too afraid of getting rid of NPCs they want dead for fear of breaking their quests, so I'm half hoping the player will provoke him into committing Suicide By Player)

[Noobo]

You lack conjunctions with many of your sentences with commas. A comma does not equal a pause. If making a fragmented sentence the comma requires a conjunction.

 

I'll explain quickly:

 

 

It is incorrect to say:

"It was raining, I took an umbrella."

because you are dealing with two different ideas. to link these separate ideas together you need a conjunction.

 

"It was raining. I took an umbrella."

two sentences. It's a bit awkward though, so we use a comma to join them together.

 

It was raining, so I took an umbrella."

One sentence with two different statements. But you need to link those together, therefore you need a conjunction (i.e. so, therefore, which)

Edited February 25, 2013 by Noobo