The little things in life

[ThetaOrionis01]

C'mon, Theta!  Auto-support systems aren't that bad.  What REALLY is annoying is automated sales/polling calls.  One time, I got a call asking who I'd vote for in 2004, (press 1 for Kerry, 3 for Bush).  Naturally, I pressed 2, and it thought I'd selected Kerry!

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

You're either kidding, or you've never experienced the joys of an automated options maze that will transfer you from one option to the next in one giant loop.

 

I've dug up the following from the archive of an obscure, now almost forgotten (Albareth might remember it from the dark ages BB (before Bunnae). The following is based on a true experience (in much the same way 'Troy' was based on the 'Iliad' :grin: ) and may perhaps illustrate the true horrors of modern telecommunications .. or at least give an indication as to how much I detest automated phone menus:

 

Aaaaaaarrrrrrrrrggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Phones!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I really hate having to phone companies - like my isp for instance, because they couldn't be bothered answering e-mails. I mean, the next time I'll try I'll make sure I have a comfortable chair with a cushion, some soothing music, a very large drink and a packet of sandwiches nearby!

 

First thing you get through to some automated voice which tells you at great length about some service problems in Kuala Lumpur or Timbuktu, or somewhere else that's far enough away not to affect you. After five minutes of that the real fun starts - the automated options system. The one basic rule you have to remember about the options system is that none of the options you're given sounds remotely like the one you want.

 

It goes something like that:

 

"If you have nothing better planned for the next two hours press the star key twice which will drop you right into our options maze, sucker!"

 

Then you get your first choice:

" If you are a total moron press # followed by * followed by your credit card number. Thanks for paying for our office party"

" If you are looking for technical help you may as well hang up now because all we'll do is tell you that our computers are down when you finally get through to us - after navigating your way through another 400 choices"

" If your call is regarding your bill press 3. This will automatically transfer you to our call centre in Outer Mongolia where they can't deal with your enquiry because our computers are down"

" If you want to speak to an operator please dial 5 - you will be put on hold for 4 hours and then disconnected"

" If you are calling to order a kebab you have the wrong number"

 

So you pick your option, and immediately get another one:

" If you are calling from Basingstoke South press 1"

" If you are calling from anywhere else in the country except Scotland press 2"

" If you are calling from Uzbekhistan dial 3"

While you're still puzzling to make up your mind a stern voice tells you off.

" You have not made a selection. Please listen carefully while I repeat the options"

 

And so on and so forth. Each time you choose an option and you think that surely you must be getting through to the right department any moment now you just get shunted into another automated selection menu...

 

Finally, though, the time will come when you have reached the end of the process. Naturally, on the second last step you select the wrong option and end up talking to the local takeaway, but that's just as well because by that time you really need a kebab. After all, you've already gnawed a hole into your desk and are browsing chainsaw websites!

 

So, then, the magic moment arrives.

" You have selected option 4. You will now be connected to an operator"

 

Don't relax yet. Because the final horror is yet to come.

" All our operators are currently busy watching Big Brother. Your call will be answered when the first available operator has finished his kebab"

 

Well, if you weren't either tonedeaf or insane before you started on this little adventure you will be by the time you've listened to a crappy distorted version of the Blue Danube for the 357th time.

 

Only then, when your stamina and determination have been tested to the limit and you have been found worthy will you finally be able to speak to another human being.

You spend 5 minutes explaining your problem, making sure not to leave out any relevant detail. The operator will ponder this gravely for all of 20 seconds

" Where exactly are you calling from?"

You remember that at some point in the options process you had to enter your full phone number...

 

" Er...Scotland"

" I'm sorry, but this centre only deals with accounts in Uzbhekistan. Please wait while I transfer you back to the main menu..."

 

Round about this point you turn into a psychopathic killing machine, order a chainsaw and embark upon a bloodbath...

[Abramul]

I said aren't that bad. I didn't mean there were any redeeming qualities to them.

What's with kebabs?

[Dunedain]

lol sorry posted in wrong topic dont ask....

[Zmid]

The little things in life that annoy me? Well, this is a classic example (and actually happened not too long ago):

 

Customer: I want to return this game.

Me: OK. Is it actually faulty or is it just not your cup of tea?

Customer: Nah, it's just crap.

Me: OK. Do you have the receipt?

Customer: No, sorry, I've lost it.

Me: OK. When abouts did you buy it?

Customer: Five months ago, give or take.

Me: Well, in that case, I'm afraid I can't actually do anything except give you a trade in value, which will be £15.

Customer: FIFTEEN POUNDS????? I PAID FORTY!!!!

Me: Well, I'm afraid we have to base our trade in value on the price it is now, which is £29.99.

 

Customer grabs game, storms out of the shop, and a few days later we get a nasty little letter accusing us of 'denying them their legal rights' and 'ripping them off' and threatening us with legal action (which, of course, never actually materialises).

[ZoFreX]

I hate....

 

people with irratioanl fears (discounting actual psychological fears like claustrophobia, because hating myself would be silly). Classical example: euch, snakes! No way, I'm not touching them, they're all slimy and that.

 

How do they know, if they've never touched them? Stroking snakes is badass.

 

I also hate the way a large group of people for some reason has an average IQ of about 6. Put enough people in a space together and for some reason they transmogrify into one large organism where each person is just a cog in the machine called "comittee", which exists to eat donuts and produce powerpoint slides. Seriously, people seem incapable of making the right decisions in groups of 3 or more.

 

I also dislike people who tell me I have no rights (sorry, malchik!). I love bringing teachers down a peg or two on that one. "Y'know, under the human rights act, I think you'll find I can produce a satirical school newspaper, and I can print it and distribute it amongst the pupils. If you want me to stop comparing you to nazis, stop acting like nazis!"

 

I also generally hate stupidity, which is kind of the underlying theme here. I have very little patience, and no time for idiots. Bear in mind, my definition of stupidity varies a little from the norm. I'm not talking about people who can't do algebra - I'm talking about people who routinely make very poor decisions, and fail to follow simple instructions that they could follow, if they put some effort in for a change.

 

/rant

[Malchik]

II also dislike people who tell me I have no rights (sorry, malchik!). I love bringing teachers down a peg or two on that one. "Y'know, under the human rights act, I think you'll find I can produce a satirical school newspaper, and I can print it and distribute it amongst the pupils. If you want me to stop comparing you to nazis, stop acting like nazis!"/rant

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

For those who haven't seen me in rant mode my comment is probably not clear.

 

I agree that there are legal rights that apply in some places and at some points in time however they can be and frequently are changed. It is perfectly okay for you to rely on and quote current legal rights. What annoys me is that people suggest that they are immutable.

 

There is for instance an international law called the Geneva Convention. The USA is a signatory to this. However because it does not suit them to follow it, they choose not to. Therefore quoting something as a legal right in this case is a nonsense. Then there is the question of abortion. What is currently a right in some states may well be changed by a minority against the wishes of the majority whether they like it or not. So what is currently a legal right will cease to be so.

 

I prefer not to call them 'rights' which has some suggestion of permanence and call them by what they really are 'permissions' and 'choices'. Whether one likes to admit it or not, these can be changed at any time.

 

In the USA in particular, but increasingly here too, so-called rights are regularly being cut back. For instance we no longer have the right to free speech. We can of course still say anything we choose to say (a choice) even if it is against the law but nothing gives us a right to say it.

 

Is that any clearer?

[Zmid]

I also hate the way a large group of people for some reason has an average IQ of about 6.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

I believe it was Terry Pratchett who explained this one best:

 

The collective IQ of any mob is the IQ of the least intelligent member of the mob divided by the number of people in that mob.

[Mojlnir]

Hmmm...things I hate. Well, given then techno-tastic world we live in, here are a few of my favorites.

 

1. Software, particularly of the OS and ISP persuasion, in which the manual comes on CD. How in the bloody hell am I to follow the instructions if I haven't a second machine?

2. ISP manuals which suggest visiting their online troubleshooter in order to resolve issues of connectivity.

3. Outsourcing. I'm not against a guy in India having a job...it's just that I when I am trying to cancel AOL he understands that I am not interested in the Premium Service Pack.

4. The Self-Check line at the grocery store. They must use special pheromones to attract every numbskull in the store to those 5 lines...which they staff with one person who knows very little about the system with which they are tasked and cares even less.

5. Airlines. United can burn in the firey Purgatory of Chapter 11. Die you bastards, and take that craptacular American Airlines with you. *censored*ers.

 

-M