GOOGLEPOX's Poetry

[GOOGLEPOX]

Here is a poem I wrote a few weeks ago that I decided to share here:

 

 

 

As I walk the landscape,

Of shattered hopes and dreams,

I walk between the lines,

Of life and death,

And all in between,

There is nothing for me here,

But I am cursed to wander,

Forever the landscape

Of shattered hopes and dreams.

 

As I walk the landscape,

Of shattered hopes and dreams,

I walk upon, forever more,

The broken bones and shells,

Of the animals of past time,

The sand scorches my feet,

The wind parches my throat,

And there is nothing for me here,

On the landscape,

Of shattered hopes and dreams.

 

As I walk the landscape,

Of shattered hopes and dreams,

I am all alone,

Not a soul in view,

I am all alone,

Left only with

My sins of time,

I am all alone,

On the landscape,

Of shattered hopes and dreams.

 

As I walk the landscape,

Of shattered hopes and dreams,

I feel the burden,

The weight of all sin,

Upon my shoulders,

And I feel true misery here,

On the landscape,

Of shattered hopes and dreams.

 

As I walk the landscape,

Of shattered hopes and dreams,

I cannot speak,

The words I cannot say,

Taunt me in my mind,

Daring me to try,

Even though I will fail,

Upon the landscape,

Of shattered hopes and dreams.

 

As I walk the landscape,

Of shattered hopes and dreams,

I cannot go on,

In this true hell,

I cannot continue,

In this living death,

For I have failed,

There is nothing for me here,

But forever more,

Must I walk the landscape,

Of shattered hopes and dreams.

[Maharg67]

Very good.

 

I enjoyed it very much. Read it more than once through.

 

The following is an observation only.

 

The only question I have is of the need to repeat the word 'burden'. You wrote:

 

As I walk the landscape,

Of shattered hopes and dreams,

I feel the burden,

Of the burdens of the past,

The weight of all sin,

Upon my shoulders,

And I feel true misery here,

On the landscape,

Of shattered hopes and dreams.

 

No read it with out the repetition.

 

As I walk the landscape,

Of shattered hopes and dreams,

I feel the burden of the past,

The weight of all sin,

Upon my shoulders,

And I feel true misery here,

On the landscape,

Of shattered hopes and dreams.

 

Which sounds (flows) better to you?

[dezdimona]

Very good.

 

I enjoyed it very much. Read it more than once through.

 

The following is an observation only.

 

The only question I have is of the need to repeat the word 'burden'. You wrote:

 

As I walk the landscape,

Of shattered hopes and dreams,

I feel the burden,

Of the burdens of the past,

The weight of all sin,

Upon my shoulders,

And I feel true misery here,

On the landscape,

Of shattered hopes and dreams.

 

No read it with out the repetition.

 

As I walk the landscape,

Of shattered hopes and dreams,

I feel the burden of the past,

The weight of all sin,

Upon my shoulders,

And I feel true misery here,

On the landscape,

Of shattered hopes and dreams.

 

Which sounds (flows) better to you?

I agree with youbut its still anice piece of work and practice and learning from usefull comments will only serve to make him a better poet. Thank you both.

[DagonTheranis]

For some reason this reminds me of "Boulevard of broken dreams" by Greenday.

[GOOGLEPOX]

Thanks for the feedback guys, I will remove the second "burden", like you suggested.

Yes, it reminds a lot of people of that song haha.

[species5478]

They say poetry is the language of the heart...