Funny Replies You Make To NPCs

[The_Vyper]

NPC: "It...it's you! The Hero of Kvatch!"

Me: "How did you know that? Are you stalking me?!" *kills stalker*

 

Npc: "Look at the muscles on you!"

Me: "Look all you want. Just know that, if you touch me, I'll touch you back. And you won't like it."

 

NPC: "You're a sneaky looking sort."

Me: "Well, if I'm so sneaky, then how did you notice me?"

[MrJim]

After watching Uuras the Shephard die from becoming entangled inadvertantly in combat.

 

"Sucks to be Uurass"

 

-

 

Guard: "You have my ear citizen."

 

Me: "Yes I'm working on collecting the whole set."

 

-

 

Random bandit: "This is the part where you fall down and bleed to d..."

 

*Deadly reflex decapitation*

 

Me: *Sheathes sword*

 

-

[MorpheusDruidic]

Emperor: Let me see your face, you are the once from my dreams, the stars were right THIS is the day.

Me: Oh god they told me this would happen in jail

 

Guard: your stolen goods are now forfeit

Me: "Whew good thing i enchanted them"

 

Captain Burd: Since we had the hero of Kvatch available, I didnt think it made sence to try this out on our own the first time

Guard1 whispers to Guard2: "Wasnt Kvatch obliterated?"

Guard2 whispers to Guard1: "Uhm yup"

Guard1 whispers to Guard2: "We are so dead"

(Guard1&2 Die later that afternoon)

 

Captain Burd : Now that we've seen how its done im sure we can handle anymore of these gates

Me: Dude, you got knocked out like 20 times and whats with the WE, your friends are lying in a pool of blood. My advice, bring a damn priest next time u noobs need heals. And try not to jump on my sword next time.

 

(After the battle for Bruma i survey the corpses on the field)

Me: (Notices arrows stuck in almost every guard)

Martin: "We won a great victory here today! we now have the means to recover the amulet of kings from Mankar Camoran."

Me: (still noticing the arrows in the corpses none of them being daedric) "I think your more of a threat to yourselves then Oblivion ever was..."

Me: (sometimes i think im playing for the wrong team)

[Dragonpen]

Lol! I can't stop laughing.

 

Beggar: My children are starving.

Me: There are no children! I have never once seen a child in all of Tamrial. EVER! Stupid lying beggar!

 

Lucian: You sleep rather soundly for a murderer........

Me: Umm there's been a mistake, I didn't kill that guard. Well....not on purpose anyways. He jumped in front of my sword while I was fighting.

 

Mythic Dawn Agents: Dawn is Breaking......Greet the New Day.

Me: Stop saying that! Its driving me crazy.

Another Mythic Dawn Agent: Dawn is Breaking

Me: AHHHH! *Goes crazy and kills them all*

 

Bandit: Why! Won't! You! Die!

Me: Um...Its called console commands.

 

NPC: You have the hand of a healer.

Me: I'm the Listener not a healer. BIG difference. Here let me show you. *kills NPC*

[majikmonkee]

NPC: "You know, I saw your fight against the Gray Prince..."

 

ME: "Okay, somebody is full of it! There were like 20 people in the stands for that fight, yet everyone I speak to claims to have been there!"

 

----

 

GUARD: "Then pay with your blood!"

 

ME: "I didn't know I could do that. Can I buy weapons and items with blood too?"

 

----

 

BOLWING: "I'll Kalicrak the Findoo. I will. You Terratet it!"

 

ME: "I'll Kalicrak your @$$!"

 

----

 

FALANU: "...do you happen to know what the fine is here in Cyrodiil for necrophilia? Just asking."

 

ME: "Sure, it's 500 gold, but my doyen got it reduced to just 250 for me."

 

----

 

NPC1: "I saw some mudcrabs by the water recently."

 

NPC2: "Disgusting creatures. I hope to never see another!"

 

ME: "Um, so you're never going within 20 feet of any lake, ocean, or river in Cyrodiil again? Because otherwise, you're going to SEE a mudcrab again!"

 

----

 

ANY REDGUARD NPC: "I like what I see..."

 

ME: "I don't like what I'm hearing..."

 

----

 

GUARD: "What's the matter, getting tired?"

 

ME: "Only of your stupid comments..."

[The_Vyper]

Guard: "You have my ear, citizen."

Me: "And after you retire, I'll have your finger, too."

 

Bandit: "Where are you?"

Me: "Here!" *fatally sneak-shoots bandit in the ear with poisoned arrow*

 

Merchant: "I have the finest goods and lowest prices in all of Cyrodiil."

Me: "Oh yeah? Then why have I seen finer goods at lower prices?"

 

NPC: "What is it?"

Me: "I give up. What?"

 

Lazare Milvan: "You are talking again. You will stop."

Me: "You are breathing again. You will stop." *puts poisoned arrow through Lazare's eye*

 

NPC: "It...It's you! The Hero of Kvatch!"

Me: "I know. I can't believe it's me either."

 

Guard: "What are you looking for?"

Me: "That one guy. Have you seen him?"

 

NPC: "What do you want?"

Me: "A shrubbery!"

 

NPC: "What can I do for you?"

Me: "Travel the length and breadth of Cyrodiil, close every Oblivion gate you come across and bring me all of the Sigil Stones you acquire. Oh, and get it done by Turdas. I'm in a hurry."

 

Bandit: "This is the part where you fall down and bleed to death!"

Me: "I think you have our roles reversed." *puts arrow through bandit's throat, bandit falls down and bleeds to death*

 

Mythic Dawn Agent: "Dawn is breaking."

Me: "Don't look at me. I didn't break it and I'm not going to fix it."

[Relativelybest]

Valen Dreth: "I must surely be dead, and in the halls of Azura to look upon such a vision. You are so beautiful, my dear Dunmer maiden..."

 

PC: "So, I take it you're in jail for bad pickup lines?"

Valen Dreth: "One of the guards owes me a favor, you know. I could get us put in the same cell. Would you like that?"

 

PC: "...I don't even want to know what you had to do to earn that favor."

 

Valen Dreth: "You should have some fun before the end. Yeah, you heard me. No matter what the law says. No matter what they told you. You're going to die in here! You're going to die!"

 

PC: "Yes, yes, you have crushed what little hope I still had, leaving me a broken wreck in a dark void of misery and despair. Now shut up."

 

Renault: "What's this? Guard, this cell is supposed to be empty!"

 

PC: "Does that mean I can go free?"

 

Uriel Septim: "Let me see your face. You are the one from my dreams! The stars were right, this is the day."

 

PC: "...So, I take it you're in jail for bad pickup lines?"

Edited December 4, 2010 by Relativelybest

[SoulofChrysamere]

Bandit: *Charges at me yelling "Heeyaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!!!!"*

 

Me: *Slash* Shuddap.

 

 

 

Most NPC's: I think you're a thief because you've stolen my heart.

 

Me: Oh please, that line is sooooooo last era.

 

 

 

 

Most NPC's: They say that when you murder someone, the Dark Brotherhood comes to you in your sleep. It's how they recruit new members.

 

Me: And you know this...........how?

 

 

 

 

Generic vampire enemies in the dungeons: Blood! I need your bloooooooooooood!

 

Me: Dust! I need your duuuuuuuuuuust for my potions!

 

 

 

 

Amusei: I tried to ransom Countess Caro's ring back to her.

 

Me: You're not very good at this, are ya son?

 

 

 

 

Gloom Wraith: Eeeeeeeeeeeeyaaaaaaah!!!

 

Me: *Slash* Shut the heck up, you moth-eaten bed sheet.

[SoulofChrysamere]

Dion: A little birdie told me that you've been asking around town about Glarthir, are resident 'eccentric'. I'd like to know why.

 

Me: Shoot...I knew I couldn't trust Tweety.

 

 

 

 

Skeleton: *Charges at me*

 

Me: Bring it on, bone boy!

 

 

 

 

Branwen and Saliith: We're training to be combatants in the arena!

 

Me: Right......and just how far do you expect to get with your fists?

 

 

 

 

Grumpy NPC's: What do you want?

 

Me: A change of tone.

 

 

 

 

Owyn: This next opponent's a powerful wizard, a master in the school of Destruction.

 

Me: *Yawns* Are you at the dangerous part yet?

[SoulofChrysamere]

Falanu Hlaalu: Do you happen to know what the fine for necrophilia is here in Cyrodiil?

 

Me: Yeah, 500 gold.

 

Falanu Hlaalu: Okay! Thanks!

 

Me: *As I'm walking away* Didn't she mean "necromancy"...or...wait...o_O

 

Random NPC: I'm not usually one to gossip, but I find that Falanu Hlaalu really odd. And I've seen her hanging around that small graveyard just outside of town with a strange smile on her face.

 

Me: I'm going to become a lich so I can own her demented butt when she unseals my coffin looking for "you know what".

 

 

 

 

That girl that has a crush on Sheogorath in the Shivering Isles: I love inducing pain and sickness in other people just for the heck of it!

 

Me: You and Gedna Relvel from Old Mounrhold would get along famously...if my friend Nerevar hadn't killed her that is.

 

 

 

 

Nocturnal: A couple of wretched Argonians have stolen my eye!

 

Me: Okay, let me get this straight. Two backwoods hunters, to whom I have personally spoken and have found to have the intelligence of mudcrabs, managed to steal a prized artifact from a Daedric prince. Just not your day is it, honey?