Jokes - Just Add Jokes

[Maharg67]

Joke #1

 

Horse walks into a bar and seems to be unhappy.

 

Bartender says; "Why the long face?"

 

Joke #2

 

Man walks into a bar where there is only a bar tender behind the bar.

 

But a funny squeaky voice speaks to him though clearly the bar tender is not talking. "Wow, you are really good looking. Those trousers really make you look smart."

 

The man looks around in puzzlement.

 

The strange voice speaks again. "That hair style is great but you would look good even with out it."

 

The man turns to the bartender. "What is happening? Who is speaking?"

 

The bartender points to a bowl of peanuts on the bar top. "That's just the complimentary nuts."

 

Joke #3

 

Why did the DC Wastelands chicken run across the road?

 

Wouldn't you?

[slygothmog]

Husband and wife...

 

BEFORE MARRIAGE:

 

Husband - Aaah! ...At last! I can hardly wait!

Wife - Do you want me to leave?

Husband - No! Don't even think about it.

Wife - Do you love me?

Husband - Of course! Always have and always will!

Wife - Have you ever cheated on me?

Husband - No! Why are you even asking?

Wife - Will you kiss me?

Husband - Every chance I get!

Wife - Will you hit me?

Husband - Hell no! Are you crazy?!

Wife - Can I trust you?

Husband - Yes.

Wife - Darling!

 

AFTER MARRIAGE: read from bottom to top.

[AzirAphale001]

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag.

 

He sits down and places the bag on the counter.

 

The bartender walks up and asks what’s in the bag.

 

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about 9” high and sets him on the counter.

 

He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well.

 

He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.

 

The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!

 

“Where on earth did you get that?” says the bartender.

 

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag.

 

This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: “Here. Rub it.”

 

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there’s a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.

 

“I will grant you one wish… just one wish… each person is only allowed one!”

 

The bartender gets real excited Without hesitating he says, “I want a million bucks!”

 

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another.

 

Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!

 

The bartender turns to the man and says, “Y’know, I think your genie’s a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.”

 

“Well” says the man, “Do you really think I asked for a 9 inch pianist?!”

[slygothmog]

LOL, thats good :biggrin:

 

Husband Store

 

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

 

 

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

 

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

 

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

 

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

 

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

 

So she continues upward.. The third floor sign reads:

 

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

 

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

 

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

 

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

 

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

 

PLEASE NOTE:

 

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

 

The first floor has wives that love sex.

 

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

 

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited!

[Maharg67]

Recruiting any and all pilots

The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. He directed a nearby Air Force base that will be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited.

 

As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself.

 

He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"

 

The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"

 

The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!"

 

The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked, "What skills to you bring to the Air Force?"

 

The young man says, "I chop wood!"

 

"Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?"

 

"I chop wood!"

 

"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!"

 

"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"

 

"Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!"

 

The young man rolls his eyes and says, "So what! I have to chop it before he can pile it!"

[Maharg67]

Joan went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," she said, "I've got big troubles. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. Am I going crazy?"

 

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink, "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

 

"How much do you charge?"

 

"A hundred dollars per visit."

 

"I'll sleep on it," said Joan. six months later the doctor met Joan on the street.

 

"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

 

"For a hundred bucks a visit? No way! Instead, I went on one of those 'Dude Ranch' vacations, and an old cowboy cured me for the price of a bottle of whiskey."

 

"Is that so! How?"

 

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!

 

Ain't nobody under there now!!!"

[Maharg67]

Steven Wright One Liners

 

I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.

 

My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going to move to New York.

 

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

 

I like to skate on the other side of the ice.

 

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

 

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."

Edited May 22, 2010 by Maharg67

[Maharg67]

A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down. The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy. So he yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter. They throw out a pistol. "Throw out more!" shouts the pilot. So they throw out a rifle. "More!" he cries again. They heave out a missile, and the pilot regains control.

 

He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get into a jeep and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road who's crying. They ask him why he's crying and he says "A pistol hit me on the head!"

 

They drive more and meet another boy who's crying even harder. Again they ask why and the boy says, "A rifle hit me on the head!"

 

They apologize and keep driving. They meet a boy on the sidewalk who's laughing hysterically. They ask him, "Kid, what's so funny?" The boy replies, "I sneezed and a house blew up!"

[SilverDNA]

An old one from the time of cold but sometimes not so cold war. And it's about the German Bundeswehr (military).

 

What is the German Bundeswehr good for?

 

The German Bundeswehr is only good for, to stop the enemy just as long, till real military arrives.

 

 

[TheCalliton]

According to Einstien's theory of relativety, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone