the journey of a hero

[TheCalliton]

greeting nexus-ians! (improved that word)

i came up with this earlier

 

SPOILER!!!!

 

 

 

 

this story is going to be about a brave soldier, the mighty hero of a peoples called the notillacians, he has slain the leader of their unnamed enemy, and a battle is raging in outside his home village, and his troops have been forced to retreat as their mighty leader is mortally wounded by an archer. as he lays there, slowly dying, the enemy troops walk past, letting him suffer. but an officer kneels at his side and taunts him. says what he will do to the hero's family. This angers the hero, and he is filled with inhuman strength. he manages to get up and fight his way through the invading army. this breaks the enemy ranks, allowing his men to push forewords. he stumbles to his doorstep, and his wife comes out to him. he can only manage one word "victory" before he dies in her arms. but that is only the start. He finds himself in neither heaven nor hell... but a place for the strongest of all mankind to be tormented by a spirit more powerful than God or satan! i wont say anymore though.

 

 

 

 

 

SPOILER DONE!

 

 

 

i will start the story in the next post

[TheCalliton]

(note, it starts off where he is already wounded)

 

And so all great warriors fall at the hands of the enemy, for the enemy is not other men. The enemy is the sword. So as the great warrior had fallen, slowly dieing as his army retreated, he remembered his family. He remembered how close to the village this battle was.

 

He begged for someone to kill him so that he would be out of his torment, and his mind released from the thoughts of the things they would do to her. suddenly one of the enemy stopped, an officer. This one not only stopped, but knelt by his side. The hero prayed that this one would end his suffering. but this one did not hurt him, he merely spoke "the slayer himself lays before me... probably begging for death like a coward. My forces have overrun your's, slayer. Though they regroup a short distance from here, we shall slaughter them... then i will have your family." the officer laughed, and the hero felt despair... but he felt something else within himself... something he hadnt felt since he slayed the ruler of the enemy (ill write that one some time)

 

 

The hero reached up, his hand closing on his tormentor's throat, crushing it. The hero struggled to his feet, his vision turning red in his rage. Sword in hand, he walked into the fray, slashing at every single foe. The blood flew, and his strength did not wain, for he was fueled not by himself, but by a hidden power. As he swept through the battle, more and more fell before him, commanders and footmen, they were like wheat before a scythe. soon the enemy was in panic, having lost several commanding officers.

 

Soon after the forces he fought for moved past him after the fleeing enemy, he saw it. Him home on the edge of the small village. For this hero was a simple man, who fought for not only his family, but also the families of his bretheren. For this hero's name was-

CALLITON* He stumbled to his door, his vision turning black, and his limbs turning to lead. His wife ran out to him, holding him in her arms. Calliton was nearly dead, no magic could help him. His lips formed one word "victory" he then fell limp, his sould being pulled from his body.

 

As his soul fell deeper and deeper into the abyss, he saw things, horrid things. He saw that which no man should ever see. He saw no tortures, no wars. What he was was hopelessness. He fell and fell, for what seemed like an eternity. He fell deeper than hell, all the way into a forgotten realm. This realm was the place that the strongest went, claimed by a being so ancient, so powerful, that both God and the devil banished it there together*...

 

chapter two

 

Calliton awoke to screams. Screams of men. Screams of women, even some children. Some screams were of pain and agony.. others of empty joy. But a serruptitous sound was under it all, a sort of grumbling. He couldn't open his eyes, or maybe they were open and everything was black, he wasn't sure. All he knew was that he couldn't see... and that frightened him like nothing else could.

 

The screaming fadded, and Calliton thought he could see something, a light. he stood up, realizing his sword was still clutched in his hand. "Klantang" he whispered as he adjusted his grip. Upon taking a step, he also realized he was no longer injured, "what kind of sorcery is this... to heal a man after he dies..." he started to walk towards the light, Klantang at the ready

[Maharg67]

I like the story, Calliton, but I would suggest you break up the block of writings to make it easier to read. Also place any writing not pertaining to the story away from the story. The flow of the story could be, oddly enough, smoother and easier to read.

[TheCalliton]

there ya go

will add more later

[species5478]

Cool start.

[TheCalliton]

thanks

 

 

The hero reached up, his hand closing on his tormentor's throat, crushing it. The hero struggled to his feet, his vision turning red in his rage. Sword in hand, he walked into the fray, slashing at every single foe. The blood flew, and his strength did not wain, for he was fueled not by himself, but by a hidden power. As he swept through the battle, more and more fell before him, commanders and footmen, they were like wheat before a scythe. soon the enemy was in panic, having lost several commanding officers.

 

Soon after the forces he fought for moved past him after the fleeing enemy, he saw it. Him home on the edge of the small village. For this hero was a simple man, who fought for not only his family, but also the families of his bretheren. For this hero's name was-

 

 

(cliffhanger, muahahahahaha! :devil: )

[TheCalliton]

CALLITON* He stumbled to his door, his vision turning black, and his limbs turning to lead. His wife ran out to him, holding him in her arms. Calliton was nearly dead, no magic could help him. His lips formed one word "victory" he then fell limp, his sould being pulled from his body.

 

As his soul fell deeper and deeper into the abyss, he saw things, horrid things. He saw that which no man should ever see. He saw no tortures, no wars. What he was was hopelessness. He fell and fell, for what seemed like an eternity. He fell deeper than hell, all the way into a forgotten realm. This realm was the place that the strongest went, claimed by a being so ancient, so powerful, that both God and the devil banished it there together*...

 

 

*i use my username as character names in things i write

** i like to use christian mythology as the base of some of my stories, adding ontop of it to fit the story

[TheCalliton]

i would kinda like some more comments...

[Ranokoa]

IMO: Keep it to the original post. I don't like reading through comments for the rest >_>

Also, if you continue through different comment pages... That'd be annoying for the reader. Lol.

 

Be well, sleep well, fight well, live long.

~Ranokoa

[AliasTheory]

Hey there calliton, been reading your little story here. :)

 

I think you have a nice idea. I wouldn't say the most original, but I'd read it. Like Maharg67 said, the story could flow better. Your sentence structure could be more varied and as a result, would encourage readers to go on. There are also points where I would encourage more vivid vocabulary. The point where your character gets really angry and is fueled by your "hidden power" would be a great place for this. Also:

 

"...sword in hand, he walked into the fray, slashing at every single foe."

 

If you are filled with inhuman rage and you've just crushed a throat, do you WALK into a fray? Probably not, right? You charge in there in kick everyone's butt. Or you could keep the walk idea; slow things down a bit and go as far to describe how this hero looks as he walks forward, striking fear and intimidation into everyone around him. Perhaps an aura of power surrounds him, and even appears to glow with a mystical, godly light in his rage. Paint a "you're next in line to die" scene.

 

Use metaphors too; they allow us to relate to things and make the picture clearer. I liked your one in particular:

 

"they were like wheat before a scythe."

 

Because your story is also very driven around one character and basically nobody else, I personally would have written this in first person. It becomes less telling and more showing us what is going on; writing in such a manner would allow you to explore personal thoughts inside your character (the inhuman rage!) There would be a lot more detail to add if you did so, and would obviously create a deeper protagonist. There is just so much more you can do. For example, maybe instead of just saying soldiers, you could describe them as people with no conscience - what the main character might be thinking of them.

 

Also realize the awesome power of the semicolon; I even read once that a person's written portion SAT score would actually increase dramatically when used. (I don't really believe that, but guess what? I just used one!) Here is a part where it should be used:

 

"Calliton was nearly dead, no magic could help him. "

 

No comma, semicolon. Two different but closely related ideas.

 

And finally, like ranokoa said, your story is going to be a bit disorganized if you keep posting stories and comments in the same area. Everything gets mixed up. You could edit posts, and you could have also "reserved" spaces for extra content (not sure what the length limit is on these forums.)

 

I'm no writer, but I'd like to see this improve! :D