Malchik Posted October 17, 2003 Share Posted October 17, 2003 A common problem for the PC gamer is lack of exercise. How often do we wake up with a start, our head squashing our fingers into the keyboard (so the screen reads OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO etc.), the rest of our body twisted into bed at a bone-deforming angle. Here are a few simple exercises to help. Upper bodyFirst manipulate the fingers by sending silly messages to your friends at Morrowind Source. Gradually involve the rest of the upper body, while connecting to Morrowind, by pushing the computer table slowly away. It is important not to make sudden movements. These result in loss of concentration, increasing the risk of being cliff-racered. Continue to push the table away until you find yourself flat on the floor. Notice that you are still wearing the clothes you put on last week/month/year (delete as appropriate). Wonder if the warm, foetid odour (fetid odor to those in the US) is not in fact coming from the swamps of the Bitter Coast Region. Forget it again as you are attacked by two furious Dark Brotherhood assassins. Notice that the Daedric dai-katana you are about to use on your parents/flatmates/children is the leg of your bed. Forget the assassins but ask yourself if you will be able to sleep tilted at such an interesting angle. Understand that this does not matter. Sleep has no purpose other than to interfere with good gaming time. (Unless you happen to live opposite a talking mudcrab.) Middle bodyA good exercise here involves moving the keyboard, plus chair and table, very close to the seat of the lavatory (john/can/whatever). Always keeping at least one hand on the keyboard, see how quickly you can change seats and get back again while disposing of unnecessary body waste. Time yourself. If a distant shalk gets close enough to attack you, you need to practise. The above exercise should be repeated several times during the day. Other simple arm movements - dial for pizza, eat pizza, drink cola - will help you in this, while causing minimal disturbance to game time. Use alternate arms or after a period of weeks you will come to resemble a Fiddler crab. Lower bodyPosition the PC so that, if you stand behind the chair with your hands on the keyboard, a leg stretched out behind you touches the wall. Keeping your eye on Crassius Curio, allow one leg to reach the wall and slowly climb it. Perform your usual knee-jerks to annoying Bosmer voices. When you have kicked the s**t out of the little bosmers (Nords/Khajit/Redguard) repeat the exercise with the other leg. I do not recommend trying it with both legs at the same time. This can result in gravitational dystopic neurosis and a broken nose. If you do fall without the benefit of an amulet remember a nose can be straightened in moments but a broken computer can keep you out of Morrowind for days. Some have found that the attachment of chewing gum to the soles of boots and shoes permits greater flexibility here. Yet it is difficult to gain a realistic perspective on Morrowind with both feet glued to the ceiling. (Not that most gamers are well known for having their feet on the ground.) So stop worrying about interrupting the game to jog/swim/vegetate. This very simple regime will keep you active in Morrowind for many many years without the need for interruptions. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Acoran Posted October 21, 2003 Share Posted October 21, 2003 Thats great, I was roling on the ground laughing and my mom came in to see if I was hurt, which by the way is anouther great exirsize but it interfears with the gaming time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malchik Posted October 22, 2003 Author Share Posted October 22, 2003 I posted this off topic because I didn't know where else to put it. If one of the Moderators has a better idea, please move it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pob Posted October 22, 2003 Share Posted October 22, 2003 Priceless, absouletly priceless. Reading this at work (in my lunch hour) so can laugh out loud, but very funny. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThetaOrionis01 Posted October 22, 2003 Share Posted October 22, 2003 LMAO :lol: ow...*rubs broken nose gingerly*...maybe my computer is too far away from the wall? :lol: Equally important for the dedicated gamer, though, is not to miss any opportunity to hone his or her skills when afk-ness is unavoidable. Luckily, that great...thing...outside our tightly shuttered windows offers a lot of overlap with the world of Morrowind, and allows us to keep refining our skills. Remember - skills need to be practiced! The most important point to remember is, of course, that walking doesn't do anything for you. Run and jump wherever you go, and ignore the funny looks passing s'wits may accord you. Keys are for losers. What did you think lockpicks were invented for? The dedicated gamer will deliberatedly lock him or herself out of the house for an opportunity to practice security skills, and will of course add extra locks each time he/she levels up. It is not polite to address complete strangers as 'You N'wah!' - and more importantly, it won't give you a chance to practice your speechcraft on them as 'Goodbye' is the inevitable response. The correct form of address is, of course 'Outlander! What do you want?' To avoid accusations of theft do not take items off supermarket shelves. The correct procedure is, of course, to ask an assistant for the price of every item. Then haggle - or else your mercantile skill will suffer. Anything you find out there was placed there solely to allow you to increase your alchemy skill. As we all know from our gaming experience, negative and potentially harmful side effects will be shortlived if we consume the ingredients raw. Should you, for some reason, be confronted by an officer of the Imperial law, remember to pay the fine rather than do the time. Not only will a spell of hard labour mean that you lose your hard-earned skills, it will also eat into your gaming time. So you see, a short spell away from your computer need not necessarily mean that you have to miss out on your Morrowind experience - just remember to leave the Daedric dai-katana at home..... DISCLAIMER: The above events are entirely fictitious and bear no resemblance to what is commonly known as the 'real' world whether alive or deceased. Any resemblance to existing posts (whether alive or dead) is entirely coincidental. Under no circumstances should the above suggestions be attempted anywhere outside virtual or artificial reality as it may be bad for your health and invalidate your warranty. WARNING: The above should only be read by a qualified technician as unauthorised perusal may constitute copyright infringement and may be prosecuted in a court of law. Protective clothing and equipment must be worn at all times. May contain traces of nuts. In case of adverse reaction flush affected area with plenty of water and seek medical advice promptly. May be toxic to fish and aquatic wildlife. Consult statement on the back of this post for further information. [/DISCLAIMER] :lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malchik Posted October 22, 2003 Author Share Posted October 22, 2003 I tried paying the fine, Theta. They promptly confiscated everything that I had previously found lying around improperly protected (on washing lines and such like) and arrested me for travelling on the subway naked*! The second time it happened I thought I was better prepared. I dropped all the items they might confiscate; as Marxist male without a father has elsewhere suggested. They arrested me for being naked* again! Pointing out that I - a Nord - was particularly susceptible to finding myself undressed when alone with women did not help. (Well - it was the rush hour.) *Of course I kept on my designer furry bearskin underpants but they seemed to think this was some kind of fetish! I have to conclude that HMG UK must not have all the necessary plug-ins and add-ons. I'm sure if I get caught a third time I shall be forced to do the time. Is there any patch I can download to fix the British legal system (Morrowind) or do you have other suggestions. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThetaOrionis01 Posted October 22, 2003 Share Posted October 22, 2003 Was it an Imperial guard you spoke to, or a Royal Guard? It is always unwise to mess with the Royal Guards. :lol: Using the subway?!?! Fast travel does nothing to boost your athletics and acrobatics levels! :o You could try downloading and installing the Halloween patch v.31.10.....but depending on whether you have the European or the US version you might get various error messages such as: "dialogue topic 'trick or treat' not found on line 42. Compiled script "Pumpkin" not saved." :lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jesugandalf Posted October 22, 2003 Share Posted October 22, 2003 Absolutely wonderful!!! You guys should think about devoting your careers to any humorous field, seriously!!! I really had a good time, as well as those who are near me at the moment, I am in the Computer lab of the University. It's quite fun how people look at you when you are laughing quite loudly while you look at your computer... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malchik Posted October 22, 2003 Author Share Posted October 22, 2003 31.10??? I shall be alone with a witch on that evening. Somehow it occurs to me that this is a dangerous time for a Nord to keep his assets from getting frozen. I will download the Morrowind 'how to disappear in public' mod I specially designed for HeLLL. And the instant polymorph mod whereby one moment I am an insanely fanatic gamer and then I am the archetypal suave sophisticated party going young demi monde (or is that Demi Moore?). Or perhaps the ubiquity mod whereby I can do both things at once and many more besides. Thank you Theta, you have opened my mind to such a breadth of opportunity.... As soon as I get out of jail, of course. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThetaOrionis01 Posted October 22, 2003 Share Posted October 22, 2003 I think the plugin you're looking for might be the 'Dolly_The_Sheep' mod by Roslin_Modder_Dude. It introduces a new scriptfunction 'SetCloneCount'. :lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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