Short Story - Betrayal

[HellsMaster]

A short story i made years ago, and i mean years. Its based after something that happened to me. Comment and Criticism Welcome

 

 

 

Betrayal.

 

Short story.

 

I was riding my horse along the long, plain and paved fair road, through the forest. I grinned as I heard my friend on his horse by my side with his ever jovial face and endless talk. He was a nice guy really, a reject from society, short for a man and greasy looking.

 

I always kept in mind the saying "never judge someone by his appearance".

 

He was actually babbling about one of his adventures he had one day in his young-fullness.

 

"… and you know, that big muscly guy in the inn came at me. You know that big muscly and brawling type? Well, so he came at me, with a chair leg in his hand and was rolling his muscles. So I says "Hi there, big fella! Nice morn isn't?" and like a devil I…"

 

I listened, even if most of his adventures were crazy, it was fun to listen to them.

 

After few minutes of silent riding, we arrived into a clearing.

 

We went near to a tree and jumped down from our horses. We attached them to it and fed them.

 

We took to blankets from the saddles and unrolled them, they were all black and comfy looking.

 

I snapped my finger and a small blue jittering fire came at life in mid air, radiating a bit of light and lot of warmth.

 

I then focused in the deep middle of my mind and projected Protection Runes. That would keep the assassins out of my campsite.

 

I went into my blanket, all warm by now because of the fire and relaxed. I awaited sleep and it soon came.

 

I awoke and rolled my blanket efficiently. I went to my horse and arranged it back where it was. I sensed danger and I knew that something was wrong here. I heard a twig snap behind me and I whirled around.

 

They couldn't have come already, it was impossible, nobody was that quick.

 

When I finally spun around, I was faced by a dark clad man which threw a knife at him. I saw it in mid air, spinning slowly to me. I tried to move side ways but I was so slow.

 

It impacted in my heart, I felt my limbs go limp. A jet of blood colored the clearing and I beamed suddenly heavy, I stepped backward, dazed. I felt to the ground nerveless and my vision blurred.

 

The man was looking at me, I saw the man's face. It was my friend and only one thought remained in my mind as I died of my punctured heart.

 

It was betrayal.

 

 

[Maharg67]

I liked the story as far as it went but it did not go far enough. Needs some filling out and some more explanation of the relationship so as to make the betrayal seem sharper, more poignant.

 

Too much use of 'I' in the story. Needs some other ways of starting paragraphs and sentences.

 

Making a short story simple seeming but effective is actually very hard to do.

[Spaceritual]

good story....short...but sweet...

[HellsMaster]

thanks for the comment!

[Maharg67]

Perhaps I was too hard in my critique so I have given you kudos for the good I found in your story and to insprie you to do more writing.

[HellsMaster]

Sorry, i didnt notice your post, i only saw space ritual's. And its no problem, you don't learn by not being criticized! appreciated.