Jokes

[hoots7]

This place is entirely too stale, we take ourselves way too seriously.

It’s time for some humor!

 

The rules are this:

Clean jokes only, no, swearing or adult language, some of the best comedians will admit to you it is harder to come up with funny clean jokes than to fall back on swearing and adult themed content.

No negative comments on some one else’s joke at all, no matter how bad it is!!!!!!!!

You may reply by rating them with numbers only, 1-3, 3 being the best, 1 being the worst, nothing more.

 

So post you’re best clean jokes here & rate them 1-3, no comments!

 

*****You can get extra credit by making the joke about The Elder Scrolls.*****

 

 

 

I'll start.

 

One evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The Big Sissy"

[Switch]

Oookay, this is completely off-topic here. Moving this to The Lounge.

[hoots7]

Steven Wright:

I went on vacation and stayed at this hotel.

The swimming pool was on the twelfth floor……..that was a deep pool.

[Vagrant0]

Well this is going bad fast... While I can agree somewhat with Peregrine that some of the better jokes need swearing, or offensive language, and that the reason why "some of the best comedians will admit to you it is harder to come up with funny clean jokes than to fall back on swearing and adult themed content." is because clean jokes by nature aren't funny. There isn't that offensive tone which makes things sound more funny since not only is it the situation explained, but how it is explained, and the fact that someone actually explained it like that, that makes a joke funny. The only way for a clean joke to be funny is when it deals with an abstraction of logic which the audience has to figure out, and while harder, is not a form of humor most people enjoy.

 

However, since these forums may be viewed by younger persons, including jokes which use such language or explainations wouldn't be appropiate. While you may not agree with younger people using the net, they do, and you aren't there to physically stop them from doing so. Ignoring this only encourages those young people to adopt your use of language as the acceptable way of acting, and actually makes the problem worse.

 

It is however odd to note how quickly you condemn swearing, or suggestive language, but didn't mention racial/cultural slurs. With the broad range of people who view this forum, you'd think more people would find those sorts of jokes to be far more offensive than any one containing swears.

 

That said, the only pure form of comedy is prop comedy, everything else is limited to language or culture. Besides, in what other form of comedy can a months worth of material be gained by a single trip to the $1 store?

[hoots7]

It is however odd to note how quickly you condemn swearing, or suggestive language, but didn't mention racial/cultural slurs. With the broad range of people who view this forum, you'd think more people would find those sorts of jokes to be far more offensive than any one containing swears.

You are right Vagrant, I'm sorry I didn't mention that.

I should have been more specific and not of assumed everyone would know that's what I meant by clean.

Let’s not use racial / cultural slurs either.

 

The only thing funny recently on this thread is how every one is talking about what’s funny but not posting any jokes.\\\???

[Dilvish]

Here's an old joke adapted to TES:

 

This Dunmer walks into Olav's Tap & Tack in Bruma and orders a sujamma. Surprised, Olav looks around and says, "You ain't from around here. Where you from, boy?"

 

The guy says, "I'm from Morrowind."

 

The Nord bartender asks, "What do you do there in Morrowind?"

 

The Dunmer responds, "I'm a taxidermist."

 

Olav asks, "A taxidermist... what the hell is a taxidermist?"

 

The guy says, "I mount dead animals."

 

The bartender smiles and shouts to the whole place, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"

[ResidentWeevil2077]

[Pointless Flaming Removed, bad rob! - Switch]

 

1st joke, "Dogs Aren't Allowed":

A man goes into a pub with his dog and goes to the bar. The bartender says to the guy "You can't bring that dog in here!"

 

Without missing a beat, the guy replies "This is my seeing-eye dog."

 

"Oh, I'm sorry sir, I'll let you have the first round on the house." The guy takes his drink and sits at a table near the door.

 

Another guy walks in with his chihuahua, to which the first guy says, "Just say that's your seeing-eye dog"

 

"Thanks man!"

 

The bartender sees the guy and tells him the same thing he told the first guy.

 

"Oh, this is my seeing-eye dog."

 

"That can't be your seeing-eye dog - it's a chihuahua."

 

"Wha... ?! They gave me a chihuahua!?!"

 

2nd joke, "Bubba Got Shingles":

Bubba walked into the doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.

 

"Shingles" replied Bubba.

 

So the receptionist wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

 

Bubba waited about 15 mins., afterwhich a nurses' aid came out and asked him what he had.

 

"Shingles."

 

So the nurses' aid wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.

 

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had.

 

Again Bubba replied, "Shingles", so the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an EKG, and told him to take off his clothes and wait for the doctor.

 

After waiting another half hour, the doctor came in and asked Bubba what he had.

 

"Shingles."

 

"Where do have shingles?" asked the doctor.

 

"Outside in m'truck. Where do want 'em?"

 

3rd joke, "Clocks for Liars":

A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

 

He St. Peter asked, "What are all those clocks?"

 

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move."

 

"Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?"

 

"That's Mother Teresa's," replied St. Peter. "The hands have never moved, indicating she never told a lie."

 

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

 

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only lied twice hs entire life."

 

"And where's Hillary's clock?"

 

"Oh, Hillary's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan!"

[Vagrant0]

The only thing funny recently on this thread is how every one is talking about what’s funny but not posting any jokes.\\\???

 

That said, the only pure form of comedy is prop comedy, everything else is limited to language or culture. Besides, in what other form of comedy can a months worth of material be gained by a single trip to the $1 store?

See, clean jokes aren't funny. Or maybe it's just my very dry sense of humor.

[poopgoblin]

This is kind of funny.

[ninja_lord666]

This is kind of funny.

Are you kidding? That was quite boring.