Marcus Wolfe Posted January 20, 2008 Share Posted January 20, 2008 A cattle farmer in Saskatchewan had 3 very good bulls. People used to ask him all the time to use them for breeding. He was able to rent them out for such a profit that he could afford to sell the rest of the herd. Business hours were whenever, and his family got used to this, even helping with the business. One day, a man walked up to the farmer's house and demanded to speak with him. Only his wife was available, and, thinking he wanted to see the bulls for breeding, said:"Mister, I know the rates, just say which bull."To which the man replied:"I'm not here to see him about any bull, I'm here to see him about that son of his who got my daughter pregnant!""Oh, I dunno what rate he charges for Tommy...." :biggrin: I'm back...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worm82075 Posted January 21, 2008 Share Posted January 21, 2008 A length of rope enters a pub and places himself on a stool and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender quickly replies "I'm sorry sir but we don't serve your kind here". The disheartened length of rope leaves the pub and once outside he ties himself into his neatest bow and returns for another go at the bartender. Immediately upon reentering his establishment the the bartender yells " Hey I thought I told you not to come in here? We don't serve your kind". Hearing this the rope left once again and this time he tied himself up real tight. He then proceded to unravel and seperate his ends. After teasing them a bit he rentered the pub. This time he made it all the way to bar before the dazed and bewildered bartender spoke " hey, aren't you that length of rope that came in here a bit ago'. "Beg your pardon?" the rope replied, "No, I'm afraid not" A bounty hunter enters a cantina in Mexico and proceeds to grill it's patrons for information on the where abouts of his bounty. He approached a group of men and asked them each in turn while showing them a wanted poster " Do you know Paco DeTaco, he is wanted for crimes most deviant". Each man, without looking at the poster just shook their heads and turned away save one. The mans eyes glowed at the mention of the bandit's name as if remembering a childhood hero. He spoke with a lazy, lilting Mexican accent. "Do I know Paco DeTaco? Let me tell you a story my friend. One day I was riding through the dessert on my horse and out of west came riding this lone bandito. He rode straight up to me and stopped, starring at me with great intensity he slowly pulled his pistolas and pointed them at me. I have never been so scared in all of my life, senior cause he have gun and I have none. He yelled at me to get off my horse and of course I did cause he have gun and I have none. He screamed 'pull down your pants' and of course I did cause he have gun and I have none. He shouted 'now take a big crap on the ground' and of course I did cause he have gun and I have none. He growled 'now get down and eat the crap off the ground' and of course I did cause he have gun and I have none. But when I do this he drop his pistolas, falling off his horse laughing and I quickly pick up his pistolas and point them at him. I scream at him 'now you pull down your pants' and of course he did cause I have gun an he have none. I yelled 'now you take a big crap on the ground' and of course he did cause I have gun an he have none. I shouted 'now you get down and eat the crap of the ground' and of course he did cause I have gun an he have none. Now you asked me, do I know Paco DeTaco? Yeah, we have lunch together. Those are two of my favorites. I've been telling those for years. More later Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marcus Wolfe Posted January 21, 2008 Share Posted January 21, 2008 What's the difference between a politician and a target practice dummy? Could somebody tell me, because I really need to know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thekid345 Posted January 21, 2008 Share Posted January 21, 2008 Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven. An angel is standing by the gates of heaven."Forrest, in order for me to let you in you have to answer 3 questions,"the angel says."Okay"Forrest says."The first question is how many days in the wee k start with the letter T?"the angel asks him."Two,"Forrest says,"Today and tomorrow""Well forrest, you are i guess i will have to say you are right, even though i was expecting tuesday and Thursday. Next, how many seconds are in a year?" she asks."12""How the heck did u get 12"she asks him."January 2nd, Febuary Second, etc.""Well i'll have to take that too. Okay, last question, what is gods first name?""Andy"Forrest says"How the hell did u get andy?""And-y walks with me, And-y talks with me" Sorry if it sucks. My dumb uncle told me it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marcus Wolfe Posted January 22, 2008 Share Posted January 22, 2008 In Canada, anyone who speaks 3 languages is trilingual, anyone who speaks 2 languages is bilingual, and anybody who speaks 1 language is English------Canadian Norman Breakey invented the paint roller in 1940. If he had invented it in the 16th century,Michelangelo could have finished the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel in a week. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ninja_lord666 Posted January 23, 2008 Share Posted January 23, 2008 Here's a bad joke:Why do necromancers always seem like they're hiding something? Because they have skeletons in their closets! ;D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marcus Wolfe Posted January 23, 2008 Share Posted January 23, 2008 That's terrible! Two drunks were wandering around Toronto when one of them fell into the Subway. When he emerged several minutes later, his friend asked "Where have you been man?" "I dunno, some guy's basement. You should've seen the trains he had!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nekrietns Posted January 31, 2008 Share Posted January 31, 2008 2 kids at school are bragging to eachother Todd:"I saw a guy swim up the Niagara falls yesterday!" Josh:"Yeah, that was me, I forgot my bag." I know it's terrible but it's the first thing that popped up. :biggrin: LESS CLEAN JOKE!I'll try to keep it as young-people-friendly as I can. There's a horse in the bar, and he looks rather...grumpy.. The barkeep is sick of this and yells through his whole bar:"THE FIRST ONE TO GET THIS HORSE TO LAUGH GETS 100 Dollars!" Everyone in the pub attempts to get the horse to laugh, to no avail. A bit later a man walks in the bar and the barkeep says:"You there, stranger, if you get that horse to laugh, I'll give you a 100 Dollars" The man says:"Alrighty then" and walks up to the horse and whispers something in his ear. The horse starts laughing like no man has ever seen! The barkeeper is astonished and say:"What the?! If you get him to cry now, you'll get another 100!" And the man walks up to the horse and suddenly the mighty animal starts crying! The barkeeper has lost it and says:"WHAT THE HELL!? Tell me how you did that!" The man says:"Oh that's simple, I first told the horse I had a bigger penis than he has which made him laugh so hard, then I showed him!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hoots7 Posted January 31, 2008 Author Share Posted January 31, 2008 Here's a bad joke:Why do necromancers always seem like they're hiding something? Because they have skeletons in their closets! ;DI give it a 2 + 1 more for being an Oblivion joke which brings it up to a full 3! Just a comment I wanted to share;Seems like this site has really gotten better (less flaming), I really hate mean people & love a good joke or even one that makes me cringe because it’s soooooo bad. Keep it up folks! Nekrietns, here’s another bar joke. A stranger walks into The Foaming Flask starts talking to a group of 12 rich locals but never orders anything.The barkeep not wanting any loiters around yells at the man “Did you come to buy something sir or just to visit?”.The stranger gets up, shakes the men's hands & walks up to the barkeep & plops down 100 imperial gold coins “is that enough for you sir?” he asked, I’ll tell you what I’ll bet you all of this that I can piss in this shot glass & fill it on top of that harpsichord over there from 3 paces away. The music stops & all eyes turn on the barkeep.Barkeep grabs a shot glass & heads for the harpsichord, puts it on top orders the player away & walks off 3 paces. “You have yourself a wager sir, stand right here” the barkeep says. The stranger stands were the barkeep says & urinates all over the harpsichord but doesn’t make it in the glass.Barkeep starts to laugh hysterically, picks up the gold “I believe this is mine now”.The stranger says “yes it is sir, that gold is yours but this (going back over to the rich men’s table) is now mine” and each man hands over bags of gold.Barkeep: you lost the bet, why are you getting money?The stranger says slyly “I lost your bet but won theirs, I bet them each 100 gold that I could piss on your harpsichord and make you laugh” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goronguy Posted February 3, 2008 Share Posted February 3, 2008 Nice one. Do you have it from the movie "Desperado"? Quentin Tarantino tells the joke there. He laughs out loud in the end, but no one else :P. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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