Fearing a bisexual partner.

[Halororor]

Ever since starting to accept and live my sexuality at the beginning of the year, I've come to the realisation that bisexuals actually have it worse than homosexual people in many cases. It's not easy being bisexual at all.

 

Firstly, we're not really fully accepted in either the hetero- or homosexual communities. One of my friends dragged me to a gathering for the local university's LesBiGay community, and I met a few fellow bisexual people there, but the homosexual people didn't really mix with us all night long. I get the feeling people from both sides regard us as not really having made up our minds, which isn't the case at all. I've stopped keeping track of the amount of people who tell me I'm a gay in transition when I tell them I'm bisexual, and it's actually like a slap to the face if you get told that, because they're basically trying to tell you you're living a myth or scared of being gay. People either want you to be black or white, no grey allowed.

 

Now, one of the worst things for me about being bisexual, is that I often get turned down because people think they can't trust you. Just the other night, I met a gay guy at the bar next to my flat. We were getting along really well, and really hitting it off, when I mention that I'm bisexual. He then tells me he can never date a bisexual guy, because he can't trust someone who could cheat on him with a girl. I mean, lolwut?! And this isn't the first time something like this has happened to me, to top it off. Another guy once blew me off and basically told me bisexuals are sluts. :/

 

Does me being bi make me any more likely to cheat? And on top of that, would it not hurt just as much if I cheat at all, nevermind with a girl? I might not be the nicest guy around, but I would never cheat on someone I'm seeing. If I ever do get to the point where I'd want to cheat on someone, I'd break up with that person, because it would mean I don't want to be with him/her any longer. It makes very little sense to me. I've only been romantically interested in one girl this year, and she wasn't interested either, but that's because the thought of being with a guy who's been with other guys made her uncomfortable. While I find it slightly sad, THAT is still understandable, to a degree, but being scared because there is the vague possibility I might cheat on someone with a girl? Not at all.

 

So, what are your opinions on the issue of bisexuality in general, and would you date a bisexual partner?

[Quetzlsacatanango]

You might have it worse in the sense of being accepted in a certain community that defines itself in a certain way. But mathematically you have better odds of finding someone you're compatible with personally.

Just be glad you are living in a time where the internet exists. Right now you can find people that are in to pretty much anything you can come up with. Imagine trying to live the lifestyle you are trying to live now, even as little as ten or fifteen years ago. You might not have been able to tell those people who think you're not gay enough to go right to hell, because you wouldn't be able to find another group.

 

Re: cheating

Integrity doesn't seem to be linked to sexual preference whatsoever. I think those fears come from the wider variety of potential partners you have, rather than anything character related.

Edited August 15, 2011 by Quetzlsacatanango

[DeadMansFist849]

Well, you won't find this comforting to hear, but even within marginalized groups, there are still prejudiced people. I've met gay and transgender people who have said that bisexuals are greedy/desperate, and gay, bisexual and transgender people who think pansexuality doesn't exist or is a label used by only the most greedy and desperate. That kind of attitude is frankly disgusting and it makes me quite sad to see that people still think that way. Bisexuality or pansexuality doesn't even necessarily mean that a person sleeps around, and has nothing to do with cheating. Even if a person does have a lot of partners, as long as ze is having safe sex and not cheating on hir partner or enabling cheating (by having relations with a person whose partner hasn't agreed to have an open relationship), it's hir business and hir partners', and not for us random people to judge.

 

I don't understand why somebody being bisexual is even an issue. I don't have a problem with real bisexual and pansexual people. I have a problem with barsexuals (women who kiss each other in bars/clubs to get male approval) because they're making things harder for real bisexual/pansexual people.

[Nintii]

My dear Halororor it would seem to me that your biggest problem is one inch below your nose ... your mouth ! (if you don't mind me saying so).

 

Just imagine walking into Woolworths, Home Depot, or Tesco's and telling the security at the door to watch you because you've been convicted of stealing before.

You're alerting them to the fact that you're not really trustworthy and that they need to watch you.

Just DONT TELL THEM ANYTHING that might bring suspicion that you're not ok.

 

You don't have to tell the person in question that you're BI, just don't say anything.

Why do you need to ?

If you're with them then you are with them.

 

The person you're with or want to be with - if it's aguy - might feel that you could be more attracted to the opposite sex and that you're only let's say 40% into guys but 60% in females.

I wouldn't trust you if you told me that you like both girls and guys, I mean c'mon, maybe you prefer guys over me or vice versa if you were a female.

At least if it was another female then I know what i'm up against.

 

Remember that all relationships are with individuals not groups or orientations and all relationships demand exclusivity.

As to whether or not gays or lesbians look down on you as "not having made up your mind" is irrelevant, but they wouldn't if you didn't tell them.

It's really not anyone''s business.

Edited August 15, 2011 by Nintii

[marharth]

Wut

 

Cheating doesn't have anything to do with your bi, where is the logic is that?

 

Why does it matter if your attracted to males and females? Why would that increase the chance of cheating?

[JimboUK]

A woman I used to work with was bisexual and she found she was more accepted by heterosexuals than the gay community, in fact she often come across outright hostility from the latter. Strange there should exist such a level of prejudice within a group who have been victim of exactly that. The cheating argument is idiotic, it's not as if other groups are short of people to cheat with. Anyway keep reminding yourself that it's they who have the problem, not you.

[Lisnpuppy]

For some folks the world is a mirror and they keep seeing themselves quite a bit. Ignore them H...that is those folks insecurities talking not something valid to you.

[Odile]

Here is a link to one of my favorite articles about bisexual myths.

 

As someone who has identified as bisexual for over a decade, there is essentially no arguement, accusation, or misunderstanding that has not been thrown in my face. In my experience, it all boils down to 2 separate problems: the media misportraying what bisexuality actually is (Thanks, Tila Tequila), and people's own relationship insecurities being overlaid onto others ("You're more likely to cheat on me!!")

 

First off, I want to say that, in my opinion, bisexuals do not have it worse than homosexuals. The gay community has a lot of things to be bitter about, and I can understand their general unease and frustration with the bisexual community. In many ways, bisexuals can come across as being able to have the "lifestyle" while still retaining heterosexual priviledge within society, and I can empathize with how infuriating that probably feels. We have problems of our own--they arent worse problems, just different ones.

 

Having people shy away from relationships with you when they find out that you're bi sucks, and I don't really have any answers for that. A lot of it comes from their own ignorance, relationship insecurities, or past bad experiences. But not everyone is like that, and like with so many things, it really just comes down to finding someone who is open enough to like you just for you. No different than any other relationship. I might be a terrible person for this, but I think it's actually a nice way to weed out assholes/potential crazies

 

Whoever commented above advising you to "just don't tell them" is wrong. I can't even figure out a way to say it gently or politely; it's just...wrong. You should NEVER feel like you have to censor and/or be ashamed of yourself to get another person to like you. Never! Ever!

[kvnchrist]

I have a lesbian friend that just went through a very bad semi-relationship with a biker girl. This girl was 10 years her younger, and was obsessed with having a reputation. She lead my friend along, going out with her, just long enough to drink her beer and smoke her weed, and then go back to her boyfriend. I don't know if she was bi or not, but I'm glad my friend finally walked away from her.

 

Nobody should be played with like this.

[Nintii]

Whoever commented above advising you to "just don't tell them" is wrong. I can't even figure out a way to say it gently or politely; it's just...wrong. You should NEVER feel like you have to censor and/or be ashamed of yourself to get another person to like you. Never! Ever!

 

That would be me, because I've been there Odile, for at least 15 years.

I was NEVER ashamed, I was just wise, my business was my own, I mean why run around advertising the fact when in actual fact it's got sweet nothing to do with anybody ?

When I was out clubbing, at gym, a restaurant or in a mall or quite frankly anywhere for that matter, we'd hold hands, kiss, or whatever took our fancy.

 

There was no fear, but I didn't have to go and sound a trumpet "hey look at me" !

Some of my girlfriends knew and some didn't, I never hit on my friends and those who knew what I was - BI - appreciated that fact, and so it was never a problem to be alone with me.

Not only did their clothes stay in tact but so did their reputation, I certainly didn't stand to gain anything by telling anyone now did I ?

 

If I did take a fancy to you, then that was OUR business, I've dated girls who like myself had no intention of blurting out their orientation and today they're married have kids and

have a good reputation in their circles, some of them have married into money etc., and their spouses etc., are none the wiser nor ever will be.

No harm done.

 

I just cannot understand the NEED to stand on the proverbial street corner and hang out your washing.

Some of my Bi friends who did decid to let it all hang out and blurted their "freedom" to every Tom, Dick and Harriet, got exactly what Halororor got.

 

I only ever really made it absolutely public once, and it was when I brought my girlfriend home to a major (and I mean major) family gathering and decided to just let it all

hang out and did a 360 (hope that's not a bad term here) on my family with my sweet little hotstuff.

 

But, if you really feel the urge to splurge then it's your business, but I'd advise against it.

That's my take on this topic.