Fearing a bisexual partner.

[Dan3345]

You said it was bad, none of us did.. :whistling: This is starting to sound more and more like an insecurity thing.. I see no problem in honesty. I do believe you need to be careful to whom you are honest with, but that goes with the territory of any relationship, you are feeling around in the dark hoping to stumble on something good. When you find it, then you know, and then you can open up. I don't think you need to start off any relationship with "I'm a bisexual." thats silly, you wait and see how the person is, what are they like etc etc.

 

No-one is running off to their mothers either, why are you getting so bent up over this..? :confused:

Edited August 22, 2011 by Dan3345

[DeadMansFist849]

From a gay feller's perspective:

 

to me it has nothing to do with prejudice. To me it is just how the world works. Like goes with like. I want a gay feller, someone I know has been through a similar journey. I don't want a straight feller for the same reason I don't want a bi feller, their journey was different and can continue being different to mine. That's all it is to me anyway.

 

In the end we all just want to find someone we're compatible with who we can understand, grow and STAY with.

 

Try not to take it so personally, mate.

 

Good luck.

 

 

Edit - Oh and as for Nintii's advice, I find that dreadful. Good relationships are built on openness, honest and integrity. You don't start it off by being misleading.

 

Finally, surely you can understand the fear that bi-sexuality means you won't always be happy with one sex or the other but will need to stray or move on?

 

 

That's biphobic. You just called all bisexual people cheaters. It's as bad as straight people calling you creepy! They'd also say "that's just how the world works".

 

I know a fair few bisexual people and they're monogamous. I'm not saying all of them are. I'm just saying that people need to stop hating on bisexuals--they're not confused, they're not greedy and they're not cheaters. They're just not you.

[Ghogiel]

Sure someone can be monogamous and still fantasize about others while in a relationship. I do and I'm straight. Even while deeply in love. I don't know if that is healthy or not, I usually grab the misses and point and say, that... that right there is hot. I can pretend otherwise but I don't. I think my partner needs to know these things if we are to explore each other in a meaningful way sexually.

 

By choice I don't want to have a gay or bi partner, Ideally I want one that is as compatible as possible with my sexual preference. Hope that doesn't make me bi/homophobic. No offence or anything I'm just not looking for that in a mate. If it happens I'll deal with it as open minded and compassionately as I can.

 

If I were to put being bi on a list of pros and cons of a potential partners attributes, I think I would consider it a con tbh. I think what most people who are straight do, (I dunno about other preferences) they actually have that cheat thing in the back of their mind. I think because that they have doubts they can truly fulfil that potential partners sexually in every way. On the surface thinking hypothetically, it is perfectly reasonable to assume such a thing. They have 2 sexual preferences, and you can provide recourse for only one. Which leaves some sort of doubt and insecurity. So it is just avoided. Is that not acceptable?

Edited August 22, 2011 by Ghogiel

[DeadMansFist849]

No, labelling someone as a bad person and a cheater just because they are bi is not acceptable. It's exactly like saying "I don't want gay friends because I think they're perverts", for example. It's also like saying "trans women aren't real women because they can't have babies" or "I don't want friends who aren't white because they look different". Hate is hate.

 

Having fantasies of other people is normal and no, that is not cheating. You might've been told it is by sex-negative people, but it's not. Even looking up NSFW stuff isn't cheating.

 

Of course it's normal for a straight person or bi person to not want a gay opposite sex partner--and normal for somebody with a high sex drive to not want an asexual partner. A gay or bi person won't want a same-sex partner who's straight, either, and an asexual person won't want a partner with a high sex drive.

 

I have been with two bi guys. Neither of them cheated on me with anybody. Things didn't work out for entirely different reasons, but let me tell you that there was no cheating involved whatsoever. The thing is, bi people don't actually want "one of each". They can just fall in love with people of more than one gender, that in and of itself doesn't make someone a bad person. Even if a bi person does want "one of each", group relationships are fine as long as it's all between consenting adults (and no, group relationships in and of themselves aren't cheating, because everyone agreed to it. Cheating is going back on your word, not being with more than one person.)

[Ghogiel]

No, labelling someone as a bad person and a cheater just because they are bi is not acceptable.

I placed no such label. I did point out my own doubt and insecurities that I would be able to fulfil all a bisexuals sexual desires. I'm not saying they are 100% going to be cheaters. But it is something that would have to be discussed... I did try to explain why that thought might occur. It would for me. It is logical. the main point is I have doubt in my self. Not so much a problem with them, it's a limitation I find in myself.

 

If I thought I could satisfy them wholely then I wouldn't doubt they would look else where. But that isn't the case.

 

If I cannot be insecure about having a bisexual partner without being biphobic, I accept the label of a biphobe.

Edited August 22, 2011 by Ghogiel

[DeadMansFist849]

Well, at least you're honest about it and (hopefully!) you're not about to go telling a bunch of random people that they're horrible because they're bi.

[Lisnpuppy]

I don't think being insecure about an unknown quantity makes someone a "phobic" anything. I would perhaps relate it to insecurity if your partner had been a model or movie star or porn star....you just aren't used to that kind of thing and of course you may have hesitations. What makes a relationship and, IMO a "good" person is their willingness to voice their concerns in an attempt to resolve them. Not to batter someone continuously over the head about their past/present.

 

I also do not think because someone is Bi that makes them more likely to cheat. Its, to me, like a guy that typically goes for someone with a "nice arse" and then would date me (who is a "no arse LOL.) I am not gonna think he will cheat with every "watch them walk" gals that come down the pike. Its just illogical to me to think this way.

 

Either you trust someone or you don't. If you don't then you need to move on...without trust all else is irrelevant. I would think if you plan to get into a serious and long-term relationship with someone and one of you is bi then the subject should be discussed. I am not, however a person (and some of you..when you are older will get this) that has to share every, bloody detail of their sexual history gay, straight or otherwise inclined. Sometimes there are things your partner don't need know. I have been married coming on 8 years and with the same man another 3 and I have never asked "how many" or for any details, nor has he. Crap like that gets in one's head and screws with you.

 

I don't hold it against someone for initial ignorance or hesitation...even a bit of fear of the unknown. I would hold it against someone who was unwilling to get to know someone and learn about a people, culture, way of life or what have you. A person so prejudiced the are unwilling to change their opinions even after being offered a different view.

 

Honestly...I see a bit of fear in this thread from all sides. So..lets all take a deep breath...:thumbsup:

 

That is my 2 1/2 cents.

[DeadMansFist849]

Models and porn stars aren't bad people either, and comparing bisexuals to people generally shamed for "impurity" when a bisexual person might actually even be abstinent is kind of unfair. I haven't met many people who practice abstinence recently, but a person can be of any sex, gender identity or sexual or romantic orientation and be celibate until ze's married, in a civil union or at least cohabiting. My point is that not all LGBT people sleep around and even if some of us do, that doesn't make those people bad.

 

Yes, insecure, paranoid, jealous people exist, and I think they're likely to be that way about all sorts of things if it's in their nature to act like that in relationships. For example, the paranoia and jealousy could be triggered by fashion choices (classic example, guy thinks girlfriend is cheating or likely to cheat because she wears makeup and miniskirts) or one's partner admitting to fantasising about celebrities of hir preferred gender. Paranoid, jealous, insecure jealous people are going to act like that for absolutely any reason because of their feelings of inadequacy.

 

If I was with a guy who told me he liked thin people as well as heavy people (I'm a lot on the heavy side), I wouldn't be freaking out that he'd drop me like a hot potato or go behind my back with one of those thin, androgynous elfin guys. I also wouldn't be worried about a bi partner cheating on me with a woman or a genderqueer person. But then, I'm not paranoid or jealous--I worry about being dropped like a hot potato because I might do something stupid and mess things up.

[Lisnpuppy]

Who are you replying to BB because if its me I am sure perhaps your eye need flushed out as I can not imagine you saw what I wrote.

 

First off....I was comparing a situation, not the person or people nor did I say any of them were bad..SO DO NOT PUT WORDS IN MY MOUTH. At least where I live...honestly...there isn't a large gay or bi community of any kind (or at least not one that is active) largely do to the prejudice of where I live. So I imagine that having a bi-sexual partner is somewhat foreign. Trying to make a compairison...as apples to oranges as it may have been...isn't something that cries foul to all those folks in said compairison. I honestly can not imagine..the way society tries to shove us into our gender roles and by whatever biology inflicts upon us...that some of these things we are discussing can be more foreign to some people. But calling or at least, insinuating someone is a "phobic" anything based on one forum post is a bit presumptuous...at the least.

 

You act as if someone has trouble with an idea that they can never change or accept new things. Yes I do agree that SOME people will always have issues with their own insecurities that they project onto others. I see it all the time and even sometime in myself. We all have hangups...some are small and effect only those close to us...some are huge.

 

*shakes head*

 

I understand prejudice very well, my friend. Too well truth be told. I suspect many here at the Nexus have at one point or another. I have forgiven many people that hurt me as they grew and learned over time and the years. With maturity and experience many things can change...and I do not always hold someone's view against them. There is ignorant...and there is stupid. One is by fate the other by choice.

[DeadMansFist849]

Well, I'm sorry if I offended you. Your wording confused me because of its juxtaposition with all the people slagging bisexuals off based on stereotypes of queer people, bisexuals especially, being cheaters and promiscuous.

 

My point about paranoid, jealous and insecure people is that they are that way and it's not for their partners to submit and to put up with all the nastiness, but for said paranoid, jealous and insecure people to get help and stop saying it's the fault of the partner on the receiving end.

 

Yes, insinuating that somebody will always cheat or that ze is creepy or gross because of bisexuality is, in effect, saying that bisexuals are bad people, which is not true. Gay men, such as myself, don't appreciate being called creepy or perverts, or promiscuous as an insult, for example, and obviously people who say we're creepy/perverts/sleep with any guy who's still breathing, will get flak. It should be that people who say bisexuals are creepy/gross/cheaters/sleep with anything that moves, are considered no better than the former, who are slammed as intolerant by a whole lot of people.