Found this Article While Searching for My Wife. :)

[redz06]

You've slain a dragon, absorbed its soul, wrenched gold from its corpse and sold fragments of its still-warm bones to a local merchant for a bit of extra cash. In Skyrim, that's all in a day's work. But what should you do with your earnings? Why, get married of course!

 

Marriage in Skyrim, as I discovered this week, is a baffling and entirely loveless affair. It's romance as designed by committee; a figurative camel in the prosaic world of videogame flirtation. Far from the delightful methods with which I got married in Fable III (continuous lute playing in a town square followed by a rapturous display of flatulence in front of my beloved), all I needed to do to snag myself a bride in Skyrim was wear a necklace that indicates to passers-by that I was looking to marry.

 

I did just that, and if you think that was a bizarre way to put myself on the ball-and-chain market, wait until you hear about my wedding day.

 

The wedding

It started on a misty morning in a town called Riften. The birds were singing, my pockets were bulging with lockpicks and I arrived at the church in a full suit of armour. For some reason, my hired mercenary accompanied me down the aisle. She didn't seem to think this was inappropriate, but fortunately neither did my bride-to-be.

 

At the altar, no time was wasted. A few quick lines were uttered by the Skyrim equivalent of a priest immediately on my arrival through the church doors. This seemed fittingly brief, given I'd known my bride for about eight in-game hours. In fact, our first ever conversation was also the one in which she suggested we got engaged. Alarm bells should have rung at that point, but I had dragon bones to sell and an corrupt orphanage owner to murder, so I didn't have time to be sexually cautious.

 

Anyway, back at the altar, my bride utters "I do" and I enjoy a fleeting moment of joy as the priest begins to offer up the wedding rings. But it was short-lived: before I had chance to announce that I also take so-and-so (I forget her name now) to be my lawfully wedded wife, the swine walked out of the church! I was fixed to my position and couldn't leave the altar. Where had she gone? Was she coming back? Was it because I arrived at the church in a full suit of armour with a female mercenary at my side? I never found out. I simply agreed to marry the woman and resolve to find out why she ran off later.

 

The first night

Back at my in-game house there was no sign of my beloved. "No worries," I thought to myself, "I know where she lives. I'll just go round to her place." The door was locked. Not a problem as I still had a pocket full of lockpicks from my wedding. I broke into her house and there she was, entirely oblivious to what I can only assume was a look on my face of utter bemusement. She didn't notice. Nor did she mind my unlawful breaking and entering, but maybe she was ignoring that given her behaviour at our wedding a few minutes earlier.

 

Our first conversation as wife and wife (I should've mentioned -- I play a woman in Skyrim) was not, from my character, "So why did you run out of the church during our vows?" or, from her, "Why exactly did you bring a mercenary with you down the aisle?" but was in fact, "So, we should probably move in together. My place or yours?"

 

Once again, hasty decision-making trumped emotional problem-solving, and so I quickly decided to let her move in with me, figuring my house was more nicely decorated and I couldn't really be bothered moving all my stuff to hers anyway. She immediately announced she'd see me there later, and then left me alone -- again -- this time in her home. "Right, *censored* to this," I thought, "I'm stealing some of your stuff," and proceeded to pinch a few bits of jewelry and valuables from her bedroom. After the emotional trauma of the previous few hours, I thought this was probably only fair.

 

Wives with benefits

Back at our home, my lovely wife was waiting for me. And she had a surprise (another, yes, and based on previous surprises I wasn't holding much hope that this surprise wasn't also going to be filed under "s*** my new wife says"): "I'd like to set up shop in our house!"

 

I suppose it could've been worse.

 

But from this came the first real benefit of being married in Skyrim: when your partner moves into your house and sets up a shop there, they'll keep giving you a cut of the profits! Yay, and so forth.

 

Within a few days she'd earned enough to pay me what I initially had paid for our house, not to mention the necklace with which I ensnared her as my wife in the first place. And then another benefit: she sells lockpicks, too! I broke a few breaking into her house earlier, so this was definitely a plus point in my books.

 

So, within the real-world equivalent of 10 minutes, I went from being a dashing single lady lathered in fresh dragon blood, to a married woman with a wife who sells lockpicks from my front room, gives me half the profits and buys any spare dragon bones I bring her (once again proving RPG marriages always feel more like weird dreams than anything else). She also doesn't seem to mind the other woman I have living in our bedroom, which, to be fair, I neglected to tell her about before we got hitched.

 

All in all, that's not a bad deal. I just need to keep it a secret from my wife in Fable III -- as impressed as she was with my public displays of flatulence and lute playing a couple of years ago, she might be a total stick in the mud when it comes to polygamy.

 

But nevermind, I'll just delete the game save with her on. As far as I'm concerned, that's as good as a divorce. Thanks, technology!

[BlackCompany]

Leave it Bethesda to find new ways to highlight their embarrassingly bad writing and poor skills with AI and NPC behavior. As if their mediocre, recycled, canned idle animations running during dialogues were not bad enough, they go and do...this. Whatever this is.

 

And anyway...who wanted this feature in Skyrim? I mean...who the hell. As if being married in real life ain't bad enough - I know many married couples and am still waiting to meet a happy one - who wanted it as a feature in a game about exploration and adventure?

 

I mean, maybe if they'd had some story-based reason to encounter a bride to be, and a building relationship between two primary characters...ok, its still patently ridiculous to me, but I might have been able to at least understand the option. Especially if they cleverly used time lapsing and spread the main quest across in game months/years. As many a Hollywood writer can attest, shoving two strangers into life-threatening situations with only one another to rely upon can and often does serve as a contrived reason for a hokey, poorly thought out romantic trist.

 

But this...this is pitiful. This is embarrassing. I no longer want people knowing I play Skyrim, because every time I say it now, its "Oh, the game with all those naked characters/armored lingerie/marrying people in a video game, how ridiculous comments."

 

I remember a day when RPG's used to be for adults. The intended audience was one who wanted to use their brains to solve creative challenges, explore a world and use their knowledge of that world to work through challenges and slay enemies in clever, creative ways and against all odds. These games once were the domain of grown ups.

 

I miss those days.

Edited March 28, 2012 by BlackCompany

[Newaryon]

Hilarious account.

 

I have a similar one....

 

My character Leona had this on-again off-again relationship with Belrand the mercenary battle mage. Usually I found him carousing in the Winking Skeever in Solitude, but the last time...I told him to wait in my house as I went to High Hrothgar to commune with the Graybeards. When I finally got home he was gone. I guess he got tired of waiting; he was never as patient as Lydia (may she rest in peace.)

 

When he didn't come back and he didn't return to the Winking Skeever, Leona gave him up for dead. Maybe he got eaten by a cave bear or something. So I hired other followers and set forth again. Some time later I started the series of Temple of Mara quests. I reunited three lovers while wearing the Amulet of Mara. As I reunited the final pair out in the plains near Rorikstead. suddenly Belrand turned up. I whispered to Mjoll to make herself scarce, re-hired him, proposed to him immediately, and dragged his wandering arse home.

 

We journeyed together to Riften for the wedding. I helped him dress in elegant ebony mail. But on the wedding day, he showed up for the ceremony clad in his old iron armor. Leona and Belrand spoke their vows and as soon as that was done, he said sometning about "being together forever" and without so much as a kiss he made a break for the exit. He said something about "where shall we live?" as he disappeared again.

 

Leona searched for him at the Bee and Barb where they had been staying and at both of her two houses. She concluded that he had dumped her and went back to Riften and hooked up with Mjoll again and adventured. Months later she came back to Solitude and found Belrand at the inn where they had first met. He admitted he was married and I told him to move into Pridehome with me, where I am certain he is up to something with my house thrall behind my back. He has transformed from the fierce Nord mercenary I married into this sweet househusband who keeps murmuring "Yes dear" as he wanders around in his pajamas.

 

So yes Bethesda really really needs to work on the scripting of this marriage stuff.

 

The only part that was really great was when Belrand came back to me as the culmination of the Temple of Love quest. For a while I was wondering if the programming was smart enough to send a "suitable suitor" my way right at that moment, but reading others accounts it was probably just one of those great random coincidences.

[ScorpionHunter]

Absolutely brilliant OP - you must have written similar things or you are an author or sum - if not you have perfect talent - Great opening - great finish - great truthful ironic sentences here and there ! Nice! Too bad Bethesda workers come with lesser IQ than you are equipped with. Kudos & endorse whatever to you :)

[Brandy1123]

I was hopeful for a wedding day where I could adorn myself with jewels and silks and glittery sands. Make myself the Princess of dreams and fairytales. Find a strong, wonderful soulmate to share my belongings with, partake of their holdings and work together to make it through hardships and bountiful harvests.

 

I must be a hideous creature who was wed out of sympathy. My spouse never sleeps with me and I must always tell them to goto bed. Always asleep before I am ready to share the firs and linens, usually out an on their way prior to me welcoming in the new day.

 

From time to time I simply ask to share a meal with my beloved, and I always get some quirky, uncaring remark. My only love in the lands decided to invest in a business opportunity and never asked my opinion. I never see vendors or merchants or brokers visiting. There is no ledger of business doings. I have to ask how the day went and always get a strange and suspicously quick response about giving me my share. My lover seems to make more gold when I'm gone then whem I'm back home. I am sad and wondering if my spouse is cheating on me. I try and talk but i always get the same reply or snide comment.

 

I see the vendors in the market place daily. Once in while a merchant caravan is drawn to the town. Never once have I seen my spouse in or near them. We have a small and quaint house. Neither gaudy or flaunting. I try and not intrude on our neighbors or make them feel lesser if I am fortunate on an outing or adventure. My life long companion only seems to sit and eat while I'm around. I have tried to give my love, exotic and rare gifts, but I have not seen them worn or displayed. It makes me sad to think there may be someone else the love of my life is more interested in. My wedding bed is cold and lonely and yet to be made.

[Rennn]

I like that they added marriage in Skyrim. I mean, I'll never use it, but I like intentionally not using it.

That way, when Muiri and I get together without being married, I can pretend that Maramal is enraged about it.

[MorwynKelm]

Kudos OP, it's a rare treat to find a well-written and equally humorous yarn about the gravitas of the silly world we share. And Mr. BlackCompany, you put it to kindly - although, equally well-spun and amusing - but Bethesda are the retarded rich kid up the street; too much money and cool toys, not a f***ing clue what to do with them.

 

Kudos to you both. Please frequent the forums more often, I'm lonely.