Maharg67's Den (shorter works, short stories, poetry, etc.)

[Maharg67]

Yo, I cracked a chicken egg and out popped a tiny, full grown, elephant that danced on its hind legs.

Yo, I stared in wonder through triple thick magnifying glasses of Elton John Disney design complete with Mickey Mouse ears.

Yo, life is too short but too long or is it just the right length?

Yo, I peeked through a window at my next door neighbor who was busy peeking through her window at me.

Yo, the elephant departed to try out for the 'So You African Animals Think You Can Dance Show'.

Yo, I wondered if this crazy dream would ever end.

Edited August 19, 2014 by Maharg67

[Maharg67]

Prior to the Adventures of Me, Myself and I part half and a one, the Prologue to section 2,201 Part A

 

I was in trouble the day that one of the humongous trans-everything mining corporations discovered that my bellybutton was the source of amazingly valuable mineral enriched bellybutton fluff that was for ever regenerating. The more that was taken, the more that appeared.

Seeking wisdom, in the bellybutton of a goldfish, I rode an inflated inflatable four wheeled elephant across the bouncy mountains of Yukitupia. That place was less believable to look upon that was Los Vegas of the USA or so I had heard. There were fewer casinos in Yukitupia but they were more savage, traveling in predatory packs that often stalked innocent folks. So it was fortunate I was not innocent!

What is greed and how can one profit from it? The question echoed through my empty mind as I sought hard not to do any productive thinking.

What is wisdom and how can one avoid it? Look closely from the magical bellybutton fluff of life and note there not so much wisdom as a very strange way of creativity or was that plain silliness?

 

Group hug! Me, myself, and I had a group hug with each other, with ourselves.

[Maharg67]

Attack of the Zombie Eaters, a derivative network serial special linked with the Me, Myself and I Epic Novels as sold for $3,000 and 1c each Australian. No actual Australians are included as part of the price.

 

Adapted by Sherlock Holmes Junior from the novel by HG Deep Wells as based on something that somebody probably said to somebody else somewhere in Europe some what most likely a year or so ago.

 

See legal disclaimers for any link between these writings an any actual logical reality.

 

Zombies skated across the concrete desert, screaming in fear as they were chased by zombie eaters like oversized muscular chubby babies in metallic armored nappies. Was it the fault of the stinky, collapsing, zombies that they were so very delicious to eat when cooked with peanut soy sauce sprinkled with a light coffee powder?

 

Zombies ate brains! People screamed and ran away in fear! It was considered highly improper that anything else would happen, at least by the zombies themselves. It was quite annoying really and zombies had taken out class actions against the zombie eaters or they would have done if enough of them could start going back to school; an education is important even for zombies!

 

Note: any actual funny jokes are unintentional and should be reported at once to the International Comedians League of Humorous Enforcement!

 

Note: the USA White House has sent out an official briefing, to the world media, but that has nothing at all to do with this story.

 

Note: considering that zombies die of brain damage, often have exposed brains and tend to be clumsy on their feet, most zombies die by falling over, falling down stairs, falling over balconies or even falling over while running away from zombie eaters.

 

A zombie stands tall, on a rickety pile of chairs, and goes to make a very dramatic speech but can only make horrible grunting noises; then it falls over and dies, its brains splattered over the ground in a very nasty, icky, fashion that would put most people off eating their favorite lunch of sweet-savory scrambled eggs on golden brown buttered toast with an angry hedgehog on the side.

 

Legal disclaimer: the angry hedgehogs are never eaten as they are protected by law; actually this is also true for hedgehogs in other moods.

 

Zombie skating on concrete? Most of them die as they fall of their skateboards and trip over with their rollerblades. Brain death plus poor skating ability plus often exposed brains equals lots of really stupid deaths.

 

This fits well with this really stupid bit of writing. I have had enough!!! If anybody wants to read better than you can always write it yourself.

 

And what about the poor Poll that everybody ignores... just don't get me started on that.... blah blah blah blah

Edited August 24, 2014 by Maharg67

[Maharg67]

DC Torchwood

One 45.1[65]

Juno Base Mysteries

 

Captain Jack Harkness, and the others, escaped from the zero gravity chamber thank's to the captain having stolen some items from the evil DocTime. He was 'good' at such criminal activity. Special gravity bracelets kept the escapees closer to the 'floor' and helped them get to the nearest door.

 

On the other side of a security safety airlock the gravity was about 'Earth normal'. In a locker, there, they found their weapons and other devices taken off them after they had blacked out. So began a moving series of skirmishes as they dealt with shapeshifting undead things that had pretended to be cloned companions of the real Doctor.

 

Every time a shapeshifting creature was struck, it burned away with a terrible scream. The things were not very efficient fighters and the group had a fairly easy time picking them off. Problem was, as Gwen noted, she doubted that they were the 'real threat' and there would be at least one of those in the bizarre version of a TARDIS, if one could even give it such a name.

 

They made their way through corridors of glistening undead flesh that oozed stinking sludge oil down its sides. The stink was so appalling they also had to protect their noses from inhaling it.

 

There was something extremely wrong with that place and the entities that inhabited it but what was the real truth? Had DocTime spoken the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?

[Maharg67]

DC Torchwood

One 46.1[66]

 

The Mysterious Stranger showed up, walking quickly, and with him came power armored figures equipped with energy weapons, battlerifles and launcherguns. He did not speak of where they came from, what faction they belonged to, but focused on assissting the freed group to escape.

 

Graham Maharg spoke. "DocTime, RiverBlood, this TARDIS, are all totally fake creations of a very dark, unnatural mind. The creation was only made possible by the impossible chamber itself. The thing that created this horrific falseness perished a very long time ago as it was killed by the very unnaturalness of the chamber itself. It was trying to hide from something far more powerful, more evil and more dangerous. That thing is still out there and is linked to Alma and Juno. That thing came here, to the Earth, through a transdimensional gap caused by human scientists playing at being God. Now everything here is dying and, I 'sense' strongly, is glad for it has always been in deep agony."

 

The soldiers began using only their pulselasers, and pulseflamers, to attack the false undead TARDIS with. They were soon burning ways for the group to travel through. The stink was even more horrific than before but the Mysterious Stranger issued the group with compact, but very effective, face filter masks. The power armored figures did not need them, of course, and the Mysterious Stranger appeared to do quite fine with out one.

 

Then they were going through a shimmering pattern before they found themselves in a more standard part of Juno Base. Or at least it looked so on the surface.

[Maharg67]

DC Torchwood

One 47.1[67]

 

Gwen was sitting with some clusterbot, opened to expose a robobabies, and was trading farty jokes and other 'funny good things' with them. The chubby muscular baby figures looked upon Gwen with adoring eyes. That is one of the two Gwens that now existed, thanks to the Mysterious Stranger (and the writer's mistake in putting the character Gwen into two places at once). Gwen, with the robobabies, was a special clone-daughter of the original Gwen and both were linked enough for the clone to know that the original, the clone-mother, had gone through some 'interesting' adventures.

 

Reinforcements had arrived in two large groups, one appearing after the other. FEAR people were in fairly high numbers, as were Subwayers, Brotherhood of Steel people, settlers from down below and others. There was quite a lot of military force there including robots, cyborgs and androids, along with soldiers. The area was being converted into a strong, secure, outpost settlement as quickly as possible but plans had also been made for a complete, secure, exodus that would take the clusterbots and robobabies with it.

 

Gwen smiled and tickled a bellybutton with her finger. The robobaby chortled happily. Then, of course, she had to do the same for the other robobabies there.

 

One robobaby spoke. "We robobabies, and clusterbots, were made long time ago for a special reason to interact with special flow cybernetic technologies that our special baby minds can work with special like. We do not know much of who-what made us except there were three of them, they were kind, and we have special dreams being with them. They are still with us in a special way. They are two big girls and a big boy. The girls have big bump breasts and they breast feed us in the special dreams in Toyland, the Fun Farm and the Big Lolly House. They are very smart and have special powers. They still help protect us. They might have something to do with the Genius13 and Alma along with lots to do with Juno Base."

 

Gwen realized at once that the robobabies had given up some special, and sensitive, information. She was smart enough not to press the small ones but rewarded them with a story time. Other robobabies would get the same good treatment in turn.

 

Work continued on around them.

[Maharg67]

In conjunction with the Philly Philly Philly Symphony Orchestra, of New New New York, the following is loosely based on Me, Myself and I, a deeply profound volume of 1,200 parts sold in the form of microscopic writings on the side of toilet paper.

Clearing of the throat takes place for one hour and twenty seconds!

I break out first in a great profound burp! The crowds cheer! The dogs bark! The cats go beep beep?

Then I pass wind in a hefty fashion, allowing the rich aroma to fill the great opera theatre. In their enthusiasm the crowd races for the exits. Oh, they truly love me. The dogs pass out, as do the cats, having a keener sense of smell.

I am so pleased I take a deep breath of air; this is a big mistake for I am overwhelmed by the odour of my creativity; I pass out, landing on two dogs and a large cat, thankfully cushioning my fall. Later I wake up with lots of scratch marks made by a clearly unhappy moggy.

Art is pain and is to blame for the foibles of the world!

[Maharg67]

In the last post, installment, of this story I accidentally called Eddie Johnnie; the mistake has been resolved.

 

Not This Earth

One 7.1[10]

 

Eddie entered the house fast but as quietly as possible. The five zombie like creatures were exchanging gunfire with two growlers who were crouched low behind overturned furniture. The zombie like creatures had strange body-armor and basic, powerful, looking guns. Eddie shot one of the creatures down even as he realized that none of those things had the strength the hurl a growler, through the air, as had been done.

 

No, there was something else there and it was far more physically dangerous than the fast shambling, armor-arms using things. He hit the floor, rolled and hurled a handgrenade even as he shouted a warning to the growlers. They dived to the floor. The fragmentation grenade exploded dramatically, destroying the other four zombie things.

 

The voice laughed, the sound echoing hollow through the house. Then the voice spoke, which was far from being an improvement. "You are one of the Chosen Ones that we must destroy but not here, now. I am a lich and the armed zombie creatures are ghouls. At least know us for what we are before we devour you and your world."

 

Then there was no danger! There were only the dead undead and some dead, wounded and healthy growlers. The truce continued as the growlers withdraw quickly from the scene, taking their dead and wounded with them. Eddie went through the house as much as he could but sirens announced that the police were on their way and, in that case, it was a Special Weapons and Armor Team (SWAT).

 

He returned to the backyard shed next door to find the woman, the children, and the dog sleeping safely there. He found some rations for himself, including a self-heating cupcan of coffee. Then he sat in an old armchair, he had put there himself, and wondered where he could take the four of them where they would be safe and cared for; of course he would also have the woman checked out security intelligence wise.

Edited August 30, 2014 by Maharg67

[Maharg67]

Not This Earth
One 8.1[11]

Lucky Eddie took the woman, girl, baby and dog by car to a more central Order of Compassion Centre where he stood with them in a secondary entrance lobby separate from the main one where the public went. Eddie was fake leathered up with a jacket and cap but also wore flexidenim jeans and synthetic leather boots along with black wrap around glasses. The synthetic leathers were elite quality, as was all of his gear, but not obviously so.

The Sister of Compassion, in her robes, smiled luke warmly at him. "We can negotiate a rescue fee."

Eddie had never met her before and was mildly annoyed she assumed that she knew his character by his looks. "I want no rescue fees or anything like that. I want to talk to the Mother Compassionate. She will see me. State that it is Eddie and that I have a red light message for her. No, it has nothing to do with brothels or prostitutes."

The handsome, middle aged woman, smiled. "You really are her son. You have her will power but you are sharper than she." She meant the Mother Compassionate, who was his mother. "I will intercom her."

Marisha, his mother, met them in a generally comfortable room and soon had the woman, children and dog being led away to where they would get assistance.

He sat across from her, a difficult place for him to be for he had mixed feelings towards her. "The undead have appeared in the city and not just those damned zombies. Some faction is playing with necromancy or some kind of necrotech. Something big is going down, internationally, since somebody tried to blow up the US President in the Airforce One. I am on active status again and am being hunted by elite assassins and have already fought it out with some growlers."

He shrugged. "You may take care of the mansion for a while, move in some of your people that you trust fully, including some needies. Just take good care of the plants, animals, artworks and collectibles and keep nosies out of the closed off areas such as my den and you know where else."

Marisha sighed. "I doubt that I know all of the hidden places, secured places, in the family mansion that you inherited from father and organized crime but it will be done as you ask. Just you stay safe and try not to do too much harm."

He grin smiled. "You know I keep as professional as possible, keeping harm to a minimum as possible. I have $10,000 for you as a bonus donation because you are going to need it. I will see what else I can do. If the worst kind of situation arises, you can take over the mansion estate. It has many safeguards, even against the undead."

They hugged. Sometimes they talked more than others but both were under pressure. He surprised her by kissing her on the cheek and hugging her a little awkwardly. He rarely did this and it showed that he was indeed concerned by what was happening.

[Maharg67]

Not This Earth
One 9.1[12]

The 'triplets' assassins did the tourist thing in the great city of Perth, going in small tour groups and showing they did not need to keep to the more budget priced bigger groups. They went to the massive Museum of Perth History where they actually managed to pick up some interesting information about Lucky Eddie because his home was a historical place that had its own display. More importantly they were putting together a cover story to give them a public reason for going to the mansion; they just 'loved romantic old buildings' like that and wanted to take 3Dphotographs of it.

Except that they soon realized that the public display, on the urban mansion, pretended to give much more vital information than it did. The three elite assassins soon picked up that the official story, of the mansion, and the family that had owned it for over a century at least, was doubtful in places. The three acted as if they believed it all and added its address somewhere in the middle of a list of such places; they could not appear to be giving it too much priority.

Then came the news that was most unwelcome; a large area of the city had experienced some kind of disaster and was being evacuated by the government and contracted emergency response corporations. That emergency area included Lucky Eddie's mansion. Worse still, they soon got word that their current mission was suspended and they were to seek their handler to get new orders. When they tried to contact him, in exactly the way that they had been briefed on, they could not reach him. It was not a good sign, not a good sign at all.