And here we are (a strange story by me)

[Alkser]

Yesterday I wrote this "little" story, one of my strangest works, as one of my friends said, who read it today in school.

It's about somebody, very important in my life. Just wanted to share it with you all and see what you think (ignore the weird tenses, it's supposed to be like this)

 

 

 

I was not good at hiding things. I was not good at drawing. I was mostly serious. I didn't know how to joke at times. I didn't know if compliments were real or fake. Or backhanded. I am not as smart as I say I am. I'm not good at singing. I'm mostly unsure. I was never late on meetings. I was always early. I didn't hate to wait I just disliked it.

 

You were good at hiding. You were always good at keeping secrets. You were never weak. You hated weak people. You despised men that would cry. You were always strong. You were always patient. You knew how to be kind when I did not. You knew how to be a good friend. You hated yourself at times.

 

I couldn't run long distances. I was mostly pessimistic. I was rarely optimistic. Even if I was optimistic, things turned out bad. I tried to fix the mistakes; I made bigger mistakes. I was mostly asking simple questions but getting complicated answers. I loved to write songs. I loved to rap. I hated being alone, but I still have to be alone at times. I never admired people. I hate to read books, but I still read books. I always wanted to write a book. I sometimes live in my imaginary world.

 

We went to many different places. Visited many different towns. We went to Sarajevo. We went to Doboj. To Zvornik. We went to Mostar every month, at least once, until we did not. We tried to hang out with people. We tried to have parties. We tried to go to parties. We wanted to do useful things, but we never did. We wrote a song together, but we never recorded it. We didn't know how to have fun at nights without alcohol.

 

I was bad at writing songs in Bosnian language. I knew how to rap on my language. I memorized English lyrics faster than Bosnian. I didn't congratulate anyone on anything. I didn't know to explain where is something located without pen and paper nor with it. I was mostly dissapointed. I was good at pretending to be happy when I actually wasnt. I used to lie a lot until something. I didn't know how to translate most of my songs to Bosnian. I spend at least an hour every day, imagining life of happiness. I always knew when my friends were in bad mood. I didn't always know how to make them happy. I should have forgiven my friends for all the things that weren't their fault.

 

You were great in emergencies. You were never complaining, but you complained in yourself. You knew how to comfort people. You were good at meeting people. You always had girls chasing after you. You ignored them. You were good with strangers. You were never by the windows wherever you were. You hated them. You love to party, but you never party. You were always getting invited to them. But you never go. You loved to be in quiet places, but you love to be in noisy places. You always knew how to dress properly. You had clothes for everything. You tried to make difficult things seem easy. You were always the hero. You were never immune. You were the most popular guy in the school.

 

I was always apocalyptic, never neurotic. I always copied things I liked. I always listen to songs nobody else does. I was not afraid of silence, I just hated it, but loved to be in silence. I was mostly imagining my phone ringing when it didn't. I was frustrated by my own pessimistical thoughts. I took you with me to Mostar when we didn't go there for 3 months. I wasn't surprised that you were not surprised. I enjoyed to be there. I shared my happiness with you, diminishing our happiness. I wasn't going to dance at your birthday party.

 

You were never depressed, you were just unhappy at times. You forgot the meaning of suffocation after you met me. You suffocated a lot before, but that just made you stronger. Your behaviour at times made me defensive, made me to rage. I hated to rage. I love to do random things. I love to talk with strangers. I enjoy to meet new people. I was a bad sleeper. I have to stay awake for hours, before falling asleep. I googled things I could never ask or talk about with parents nor you. I tried to learn to live the way you're living. I could never learn. I hated people to whom sex, drinking and alcohol was everything in their life. I had friends who'd rather stay at home and watch TV than to go outside.

 

They told us to do it. They told us we can make it. They told us we will be popular. Nobody told us how. You could always stand up for yourself. I couldn't. You never watched TV. You were mostly writing songs that didn't make any sense. You loved to write, loved to record. You hated to go to school. You hated to study. You never wanted to go to college. They said you'd be the next Eminem. You could rap perfectly. You never wanted to write something serious. We wanted to live together, but we never did.

 

We wanted to go together to Italy, but we never did. We tried to spend more time recording, but we did nothing but write. We never mentioned her. We never talked about that night. I knew you still loved her. I didn't care about your boredom, I was just bored with you being bored all the time. My happiness had nothing to do with happiness. I diminished it. You never wanted to meet my parents. I met your mother. Your father was dead. You were sad, mostly, but you never wanted to admit it. You broke so many hearts. Until you couldn't.

 

At a certain point you didn't want to do anything. At a certain point you were depressed. At a certain point you hated everyone. At a certain point you were suicidal. I almost failed to help you. I couldn't tolerate your suicidal. Your defense, wasn't really defense, merely offensive defense. At a certain point we didn't want to record anymore. Isn't it funny that if I told my friends the truth, they wouldn't be my friends? Isn't it strange that truth hurts more than any lie? At a certain point you stopped caring. At a certain point you stopped trying.

 

You couldn't tolerate many things. You couldn't tolerate people who lied. I couldn't tolerate double-faced people. You had double life. You had everything but not happiness. I mortally feared small mistakes. I felt annihilated at times. How could I possibly explain the despicable thoughts I had? You never wanted to adventure, go around the world. You hated to travel, despised to be in car. I loved to travel. I always fantasize about going to Rimini again.

 

We both were doing well. We both wanted the same thing. You were jealous at people who succeded. I did many things. I made many things. But your approval means more than anything. You never wanted to talk about your family. I knew everything. I want to be somebody in life. I want people to love me for who I am and not for who I am not. You didn't care about that. You wanted to be happy, more than anything. You hated depression, but you were depressed at times. You suffocated a lot, but you didn't allow people to see it. You were good at pretending to be something you were not. So many things happened but none that we wanted.

 

And here we are; we are not kids anymore, we are adults. I'm not 16 and you're not 25. I'm not childish anymore and you're not overrating anymore. I'm not Adolescent anymore. We both are now adults. We now are responsible for our actions. For all the things we do. I considered myself as an adult since 16. You were always an adult. You were always acting like that. You were always serious. But not always serious as serious. You didn't want to do stupid things. But you still loved to drink every now and then. You couldn't possibly imagine a day without a drop of alcohol. You just didn't know to live a normal life. You live alone for over a year already. You were always important in my eyes.

 

I'm not child anymore. I'm not unemotional as I say I am. I'm over emotional. I do things on my own, but not always on my own. I suddenly spoke, suddenly realized, suddenly wrote, suddenly reasoned, suddenly despised, suddenly happy, suddenly mad, suddenly bad. I was always slow at changing. But I still changed. Slowly, but I changed.

 

I'm changing and changing and with more time passing I'll be changing more. I'm not dissapointed anymore, just silent. Not unthinking, but reckless. Not unemotional, but emotional. Not caring, but caring. Not forgeting, but remembering. Not being distant, but closer. I reached the middle. But for what? For what did I imagine my perfect world of happiness? I never will be there. You went away. And with that, I crushed. You said you'd call, but you never did. You said you'd email me but you never did. For what did we do those things, now lost in the darkness pits of our life. Why did we imagine the perfect life we always wanted to have? You could never answer my question "What would we even do in such a life?"

 

Alkser, October 1st 2012

[Maharg67]

Very good, I like it very much. Brave of you to write this!

 

Kudos! :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup:

Edited October 3, 2012 by Maharg67

[Alkser]

Thanks a lot for your comment! :D

[Deleted54170User]

That is definitely a lot to take in. Descriptions of many of us could be found in every word. I am pleased that you were able to translate all of that into English.

 

And Now! I can't wait until the character gets tired of describing all of those things about himself or herself, their self, friends describing them, they described, and the author tells us what they did when they were somewhere on the planet having the time of their life together.

"ALERT" Don't publish yet! "ALERT"

 

Don't mince words, just spell out everything, read what you wrote, edit out anything that could lead the dream police to you and arrest you for, and then read it again, checking your spelling, and read again to make sure you did not leave out any gory details which would delight girls, little boys, and adults who don't want to grow up mentally.

 

Write on! I hope your fever for writing adds an adventure for us childlike, no not childish, childlike minds who are always on the lookout for some new twists in the macabre. And Alkser I am trying to be cute and funny here so, read with caution, it may seem a poisonous insult, but it is just a stab at life, Get it? If you are going to be an author of Horror, all will be clear to you one day. So you can't kill me now, I am a super stupid old Fart and old farts don't die they just fade away. LOL

 

Now here's what i wanted to say that might seen Horrible to your sensitive mind, Mothers milk idea do that sometimes when they are spoken by a guy. Here it is, "if you get a little stomach upset while writing take an Alka Seltzer and relax for a few minutes. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alka-Seltzer"

[Alkser]

I actually wrote this on English, didn't translate it from Bosnian. I have better inspiration to write on English language haha :P

 

And I understand what you're trying to say, and I'm already used to the way you're writing, so don't worry about it :P

 

And thanks for the post!

[Alkser]

The part you're about to read is depressive and dark, read with caution, might make you wonder about few things.

This part is called: The Dark You, right after the beginning "And here we are"

 

You came back. You changed a lot since then. You became, everything, but nothing you wanted. You started it, but recklessly, unthoughtable. You're annihilating yourself, but not noticing at all. Unemotional, forgettable. Why did you become so graceless. You're acting so ghastly, it's beyond my mind. Never thought, that such a person as yourself could become so repellent. Why are you so fatuous? You were always clear-minded, but now you are narrow-minded.

 

I want to help. I want to change you back to old you. Unwillingly, you do not want. You say you enjoy your new life. I can see in your eyes, that is wrong, we both know it. We both know, you're depressive. Why is it so hard to explain, to open yourself again? What exactly happened in such a short span of 2 weeks? You went away, didn't say anything. Came back annihilated. Making me wonder whether it's my fault or not. Indeed, I did do a lot mistakes, that could have cost us a lot. But that was some time ago. But you're now, different person, I have never seen before. You became immoral. You were always kind, but now you are indecently wicked. You were never like this. You promised you'd never change. You promised that you'll never become something you did not want. You promised. You broke the promises. Yet I still am not mad, thought I should be, but I do feel bad.

 

Ever since you came back, you became petulant. You were indeed always serious, but it was nothing compared to this. Did you get back the despicable thoughts you had? The darkness that was never there, is inside of you now? You were so emotional, you knew how to love, how to show love, how to show emotions. You are now hiding it, saying it's the man's biggest weakest to be over-emotional. You never thought of it that way before. Ain't you realizing that you're exactly the opposite of that? Ain't you realizing that you're destroying yourself? I should have never allowed you to go away. I should have came with you. I should have risked everything I had. Maybe nothing of this would have happened..or would I get dragged into the darkness like you, if I would have gone with you there?

 

You're rude to everyone, including to me. It became hard for you to say sorry. It became hard for you to show appreciation. I still am here with you, but sick of your behavior Always lethargic. Always. Sleeping whole day, doing nothing, but staring at a blank point on your wall. You don't want to talk about that. You barely even talk anyway. You don't want to do anything. Back to that point of life, when you stopped caring for anything. Everybody has "the dark side of us". I guess you are showing us, that side now, that's been inside of you for years now. I know you for 5 years, but I never knew, you could be like this. That you, yourself say things you never said before. Giving up on everything, vaguely remembering things, hitting yourself for the past mistakes you made, despising yourself, for the way you were, but not knowing that you're even worse now. Your mind, full with the demons in it, blocking all the path to the good things you've done, you wanted to do. How could a person like you, change drastically in just a span of 2 weeks? You never answer my questions. I ask, you stay silent, like you lost your voice. You barely even pronounce few words. We just sit,in complete silence.

 

The dark you;that's what I call you now. Ghastly acting towards everyone, annihilating yourself, became so repellent, narrow-minded, the opposite of everything you wanted to be, forgetting everything, 90% of the time, you're lethargic, depression flowing through your veins, you became so insane.

[Keanumoreira]

Your first post was extremely powerful. I saw a lot of myself in that, and that's a good thing as much as it is a bad thing. It's very rare to see writing such as this that not only evokes strong emotions, but provokes familiar reactions within those that can relate. This angered me, saddened me, spoke to me...it was...beautiful, in more ways than one. For that, I thank you for sharing. Very well done.

[Alkser]

Thank you a lot for this comment. And thank you a lot for taking your time to read this. Means a lot to me.

[Keanumoreira]

"The dark you"...heh...yeah...I've got someone in my life like that too. Though, I can't honestly say he was ever kind or compassionate. So yes, I believe that statement, that in every man and woman there lies our evil equal. Niccolo Machiavelli believed every man was evil, and if given the chance, would act on it. I think he would have found you to be as interesting a person as much as you're a talented writer. I have felt every word and emotion in there. I am impressed. Edited October 22, 2012 by Keanumoreira

[Alkser]

I guess that all of us have a friend like this. And all of us have that evil side in us. Some show it more, others show it less.

 

And thanks a lot again for the comment!