Trying to write a book. Tell me what you think.

[loismustdie555]

Untitled Story

By

555

 

Short Description

 

David (Age 27) was always an ordinary person, he was raised in a mid to high class family by his grandparents. His mother and younger sister also lived with him, his grandparents house was fairly large, and he had always accepted that he was not much different than most other people, And that he would never be anything more than an average citizen. But that was before the recent string of events that revealed to him things that never seemed possible...

 

 

Prologue

The Temple Of Light

 

It all started when he was walking into his room and he noticed there was an elderly man dressed in robes that appeared older than anything he'd ever laid eyes on standing with his hands behind his back while he was looking out his bedroom window. At first David was startled but the instant that David walked into the room the old man (Without even turning around) spoke in a low even toned voice saying "Do not be alarmed David. I mean you no harm".

David was completely speechless, the old man took note of this and spoke again "I have been watching you for quite some time. You have recently become married, Yes"? "That is correct. how do you know this? More importantly how did you get in here"? "That is irrelevant at the moment". Replied the man.

"What matters is that you listen to me carefully and understand that a chain of events has been set in motion that can NOT be stopped, and you are the one who will decide how to end this chain when the time comes. My name is Master Junis, I come from a place long since forgotten by mankind, where many things people believe to be mythical and non-existent have been kept away from those who might wish to misuse them. The time has come that we must gather those with 'The Gift' back to this place so that they might be trained in how to properly use their gift for the good of mankind. You are one such person, as is your wife Zorra. Time is of the essence, we must hurry. Your wife already knows what I just told you and is waiting for you. Are you ready"?

David thought for a moment and figured that the man was obviously more than just an elderly man in robes, and since his wife was oddly not at home he decided to agree. "OK, I'm ready". The old man remained expressionless and turned to face david, then he slowly rose his right hand and with his palm facing himself and closed his fingers one by one until his hand was in a fist. Before David could even say anything they were both on what appeared to be an island in the middle of the ocean, David looked around and saw only water as far as the eye could see, and a large stone temple, that appeared to be aged by thousands of years of ocean air and plant growth, yet it was completely untouched by erosion of any kind. In the center was a large double door carved out of a darker stone than the rest of the structure, Master Junis motioned for David to step inside, stating that David's wife was waiting for him Inside. David saw no option other than to listen to Master Junis and stepped inside the temple.

Sure enough, Zorra was inside, sitting at a stone table that looked even older than the temple itself. "Hey honey" said Zorra, "I've been waiting for you". "What is this place"? asked david to both his wife and Master Junis. "This, is the Temple Of Light". Replied a third voice. "I am Master Albert, another of the Great Elders of which Master Junis is". "We are older than either of you could even imagine, and you both will soon learn things that no mortal man or woman has learned for over a thousand years. We will be teaching you of the ancient magicks that have been unknown for a long, long time".

Edited November 20, 2012 by loismustdie555

[saadus]

first off some tips to help separate the dialogue. Anytime you go into dialogue, try something like this.

 

David was completely speechless. The old man took note of this and spoke again "I have been watching you for quite some time. You have recently become married, Yes"?

"That is correct. how do you know this? More importantly how did you get in here"?

"That is irrelevant at the moment". Replied the man.

 

You will be told by any author or English instructor this is the best way to do that. It cleans up the paragraphs as well.

 

Always indent. When working in Microsoft office or Open Office, press tab in front of any new paragraph or dialogue line. I used five spaces as I don't think tab works on the Nexus.

 

I will be happy to help more in that regard later. In the meantime remember, it is your story. Don't worry if nobody else may like it, just make sure you like it and it makes sense. Cover all those possible plot holes and make sure you know what direction the story is going. Trust me, it sucks to rewrite an entire book because you found a plot hole.

 

Good luck with writing the book :thumbsup: It sounds like a good concept from what I read already.

 

:EDIT:

It didn't take the five spaces either XD.

Edited November 20, 2012 by saadus

[Maharg67]

One important tip! Do not 'center your lines' but make them look more traditional, from the left hand side of the page. While your idea is innovative, it will be confusing to people. Let your writing, itself, make its impact on people when doing prose except in special cases. The centering effect is better for poetry, song lyrics and proverbs than it is for prose.

 

Good effort! Kudos!

 

PS: this topic might be better placed in Druid's Garden.

Edited November 21, 2012 by Maharg67

[loismustdie555]

Hm... :/ Then I shall re-post this in the "Druid's Garden"

[Vagrant0]

Hm... :/ Then I shall re-post this in the "Druid's Garden"

Might want to reformat things and work on it a bit more before posting. As right now it stands just as you trying to get tips and feedback, it's fine where it is here.

[Dazaster]

"Trying to write a book. Tell me what you think."

 

OK. First off, good start. But, I am going to tell you what I think. There have been a few posts about syntax and structure but that is secondary to substance and style.

A book is a descriptive media. I'm sure you've heard that with books, people need to use their imaginations. But they need a little help. And they need reasons to care about your characters and to go on reading.

For example David (age 27) doesn't interest me. David, a tall gangly 27 year old Texan, does. A temple doesn't interest me. A temple of white marble glinting in the sun, does. Do you see where I'm going?

A description can be over the top or minimalist, but there needs to be one.

At the moment it reads like an introduction to a Computer Game Adventure. Which in itself, is no bad thing. But for a book, it needs more ... life.

 

I'm not trying to knock you or your writing style, just giving a little constructive criticism. And you did ask what I thought.

 

And no, I can't write for toffee. But I do read. A lot.

 

Good Luck.