kvnchrist

Nap Break An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard; I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of. He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks. Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.' The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'

A good Deed A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Pete is leafing through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did anything really good in your life but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in." The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, there was this time when I was driving down the highway and I saw a giant group of KKK Biker Gang Members assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em torturing this chick. Infuriated, I get out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the KKK Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle around me. So, I rip the leader's chain off his face and smash him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turn around and yell to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'" St. Peter, impressed, says "Really? When did this happen?" "Oh... about two minutes ago."

Window95 Windows 95 (n) - 32-bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16-bit patch to an 8-bit operating system originally coded for a 4-bit microprocessor, written by a 2-bit company that can't stand 1 bit of competition.

What Comes First A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, frowning, mutters to no one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered THAT question!"

Saying Goodbye Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?" "My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your damned cat."

Home of the free Memorial Day weekend was coming up, and the nursery school teacher took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism. "We live in a great country," she said. "One of the things we should be happy is that, in this country, we are all free." One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said, "I'm not free. I'm four."

A lesson in Logic A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic. "Here is the situation," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?" A girl raised her hand and asked, "To draw out all his savings?"

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. Lettin' the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back. If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then make sure it's still there. If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good, he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day. There's two theories to arguin' with a woman, neither one works. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'. Never slap a man who's chewin' tobacco. It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep. Always drink upstream from the herd. When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson. When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Widdle Wabbits A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?" The shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy black wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle brown wabby over there?" She in turn puts her hands on her knees, leans forward, and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pyfon weally gives a thit!"

Change of Beek There's this fellow with a parrot. And the parrot swears like a sailor. I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, polite, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the parrot by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, 'QUIT IT!'. This just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says 'OK for you,' and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches. When the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush. At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes and uses words Lenny Bruce and George Carlin NEVER thought about trying to use in their acts. Then suddenly, it gets VERY quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt or deeply chilled. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says,'Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on.' The man is astonished. He can't understand the transformation that has taken place. Then the parrot says, 'By the way, what did the chicken do?'

Wishful Thinking A woman's fairy godmother appeared and asked the woman if she would like three wishes. "Of course!," the woman answered. "Before you tell me your wishes, I must warn you that there is one other aspect of the wishes which you must know; for every item you receive your husband will receive the same thing, but ten times more of it," the fairy godmother said. "Oh, that's no problem at all!" replied the woman. "My first wish is to be the most beautiful woman in the world!" "Are you sure?" asked the fairy godmother. "Remember that your husband will be ten times as attractive as you and so women will pursue him relentlessly!" "It's fine with me," said the woman, and 'poof!' she immediately found herself to be the most beautiful woman in the world. "What would you like for your next wish?" asked the fairy godmother. "I would like to be the wealthiest woman in the world," said the woman. The fairy godmother reminded the woman that her husband would receive ten times the amount of money and the woman assured her that she didn't mind. "Poof!'; the woman became the richest woman in the world. "So, what is your third and final wish?" asked the fairy godmother. "I want to have a minor heart attack," answered the woman.

Burgler One night, a burglar broke into a house . He was shining his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, "Jesus knows you're here." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. Hearing nothing more, he shook his head and continued. Just as he started pulling the stereo out to disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you!" Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he wispered to the parrot. "Yes," the parrot responded, and then squawked, "I'm Just trying to warn you that he is watching you." The burglar replied. "Warn me, Who are you ?" "Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?" "The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."

Painter A blonde teenage girl, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. 'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said. 'How much will you charge me?' Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50?' The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?' He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?' The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes' Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. 'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked. 'Yes,' the blonde replied, 'and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.' Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip. 'And by the way,' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

Sex after Death A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all. After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact: "Judy............Judy" "Is that you, George?" "Yes, I've come back like we agreed." "That's wonderful! What's it like?" "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again" "Oh, George...are you in Heaven?" "No............I'm a rabbit in Kansas."

Bad E-mail A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email. Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a massive heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read: To: My Loving Wife Subject: I've Arrived Date: February 16, 2010 I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!!!! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. P. S. Sure is hot down here!!!!

Anybody remember The Proving Grounds of the Mad Overlord. That was the first gqame I played that was near a RPG.

Well, I am no military historian, but I'd like to hear what you guys think about Patton. I've heard a great deal about him, but the history books sometimes are romanticized greatly.

We are a fast food world. We run here and there getting this and that. Some people sleep out in the cold for days on end to get the Newset Ipod, but wouldn't walk 12 feet to help a neighbor lift a heavy box.

I want to thank you for aqllowing me to join your site. I fell in love with Oblivion the first time I played it. I love games like that. I just wish they would come out with a sequel to it. As far me I like to debate people in a deeply personal way. There are so many people who come to these boards and stay hidden, as far as being the person they truely are. There is nothing more interesting than the people around us.

I remember when I was growing up that things were much more simple. We had one tv that was dad's when he came home from work. We ate together, we knew our neighbors and played outside and actually got dirty. We formed friendships and did a lot of crazy stuff that would kill us today. We had people we didn't like and did things for people we did, just because we knew they needed help. We didn't have much, but what we had we appreciated. Those around us, we appreciated just as much, if not more. We learned how to be people and learned how to treat and not to treat others. Now a days we are talking more of groups than of people. We define ourselves and other groups by the way we feel about issues in their lives. We condemn whole groups of people as they do us. Our lives are mostly lived inside our own little world and we gather pieces of technology together so we can view the rest of the world from the comforts of our own living rooms. Status symbols are now based on the newness of our toys instead of how we are as persons. Our youth is in the midst of an Obesity epidemic because they don't get out and play. They would rather spend 24 hours a day attacking a digital image than exploring the world and the people outside. We have words now that hardly anyone under a certain age knows the true meaning of. Respect, honor, dignity have almost disappeared from our vocabulary. Girls, who the boys used to respect have been reduced to "Holes" and the girls have learned to accept this treatment. The worst thing about this is these kids that think this behavior is normal are teaching their kids that this is the way to live. Husbands that lay around all day and let their girlfriends and wives work are teaching their sons that this is how to be a man and the daughters are being taught that this is how they are to be treated and to have very low expectations in the person they want as a mate. Society as a whole is slowly breaking down as more and more people think that the world owes them something for breathing and that it should provide for them, instead of them providing for themselves. Is this what we wished for, such a long time ago, when we decided to make a life for our selves and start a family that would continue forever. Is this the legacy that we wanted to give to our kids or is it one that will see the end of humanity as we have known it.

Sounds like another forum is smiten by the holier than thou bug. An't life lovely. :biggrin: