The last poster wins

[Ironman5000]

 

@ Werne, I agree with Silver :yes:

 

My son is 15 going on 35... He's prepubescent and driving his father and I insane. We found out yesterday that my husband's father is dying of bone cancer after beating bowel cancer just after Christmas like my husband (he got the all clear from throat cancer around the same time). We're all naturally devastated yet my eldest son keeps shouting and screaming at us all. I employe favoritism against him and am a terrible mom etc etc etc. I know he's hurting but this has been going on for some time, so this is the most recent trigger for his behavior and I must admit I'm not going to let him use it as an excuse to get away with calling me names nor letting him denigrate his brother and sisters.

 

He's been quite threatening towards me which is beginning to make my blood boil and, although I don't condone violence, I do have a temper which, when in full swing has lead to me knocking out the protagonist on two occasions :whistling: This is not something I am proud of but being a little over 5 foot, I have learned to protect myself just in case someone gets too frisky with me lol.

 

To say I'm too tired to take his shenanigans is an understatement. We've been through too much the past 6/7 years and so his tantrums are not needed.

 

Honestly I thought my girls being hormonal was bad, boys/young men are amazingly horrendous lol.

 

Other than locking him under the stairs until he's 21, any advice???

 

Opposite advice to Ironman. Hard as it is, stop reacting so much to it. Control your temper, respond only when absolutely necessary and in the calmest most logical way possible. If reacting so much to it hasn't eased the situation any then try the reverse. He knows what your response is likely to be at the minute and this clearly isn't stopping him, I'd argue he's actually seeking a strong visceral response. He says you are favouriting against him, and this at a time when you and your family's focus is naturally and rightly elsewhere: he's at least partially attention seeking.

 

Interesting you say "tantrums" if he was younger and having "tantrums" stop responding to them would be pretty standard advice.

 

Either way, with both the stressful specifics of your situation, and his age, don't expect miracles or anything to have a huge impact in the short run. Time will do the most work.

 

Just so you know I wasn't offering advice, to be honest no one functions like I do and I wouldn't recommend following my example I was just offering an example. Anyway when your around 20 and your brother is 18 I don't think ignoring his temper would be a good idea as he could get aggressive and that way he gets away with it. Not on my watch!

[tetradite]

 

 

@ Werne, I agree with Silver :yes:

 

My son is 15 going on 35... He's prepubescent and driving his father and I insane. We found out yesterday that my husband's father is dying of bone cancer after beating bowel cancer just after Christmas like my husband (he got the all clear from throat cancer around the same time). We're all naturally devastated yet my eldest son keeps shouting and screaming at us all. I employe favoritism against him and am a terrible mom etc etc etc. I know he's hurting but this has been going on for some time, so this is the most recent trigger for his behavior and I must admit I'm not going to let him use it as an excuse to get away with calling me names nor letting him denigrate his brother and sisters.

 

He's been quite threatening towards me which is beginning to make my blood boil and, although I don't condone violence, I do have a temper which, when in full swing has lead to me knocking out the protagonist on two occasions :whistling: This is not something I am proud of but being a little over 5 foot, I have learned to protect myself just in case someone gets too frisky with me lol.

 

To say I'm too tired to take his shenanigans is an understatement. We've been through too much the past 6/7 years and so his tantrums are not needed.

 

Honestly I thought my girls being hormonal was bad, boys/young men are amazingly horrendous lol.

 

Other than locking him under the stairs until he's 21, any advice???

 

Opposite advice to Ironman. Hard as it is, stop reacting so much to it. Control your temper, respond only when absolutely necessary and in the calmest most logical way possible. If reacting so much to it hasn't eased the situation any then try the reverse. He knows what your response is likely to be at the minute and this clearly isn't stopping him, I'd argue he's actually seeking a strong visceral response. He says you are favouriting against him, and this at a time when you and your family's focus is naturally and rightly elsewhere: he's at least partially attention seeking.

 

Interesting you say "tantrums" if he was younger and having "tantrums" stop responding to them would be pretty standard advice.

 

Either way, with both the stressful specifics of your situation, and his age, don't expect miracles or anything to have a huge impact in the short run. Time will do the most work.

 

Just so you know I wasn't offering advice, to be honest no one functions like I do and I wouldn't recommend following my example I was just offering an example. Anyway when your around 20 and your brother is 18 I don't think ignoring his temper would be a good idea as he could get aggressive and that way he gets away with it. Not on my watch!

 

 

 

No worries, sorry if I misconstrued... And it's always a bit different between brothers than a parent/child anyway isn't it? Even in today's "no physical discipline" world most siblings I know get on better after they've spent years knocking lumps out of each other physically and emotionally... most people who have that kinda relationship with a parent though, different story...

[Werne]

I appreciate your thoughts Werne. I'm not sadistic or evil only a guy that doesn't wants to threatened for the idiocy of others. but i liked your thought it did cast a smile on my face. i know that one was delivered by the the little Werne inside you the one I have come to know a bit and i think i know why you are who you are now and this make you in my eyes a great good guy (ggg)

Life made me a violent person. I don't forgive, I don't forget and I don't feel pity for those who dare to threaten me because they think they can, I only feel rage and slow but steady loss of control.

 

And if it weren't for, as you said, "little Werne inside", I don't believe I would be able to feel anything other than hatred towards anyone or be able to refrain from killing someone when angered. I still hate people though, but less and less every day, which is nice.

 

Other than locking him under the stairs until he's 21, any advice???

Yup, but first some explanations.

 

Men get aggressive for 3 reasons:

a) Puberty (obviously)

b) Fear (trust me, fear can make even the calmest person a cold-blooded killer)

c) Sadness (a lot of men will channel sadness into aggression because adrenaline will temporarily suppress it)

 

And I believe you have the worse case scenario - a 15 year-old pubescent boy afraid that the cancer may be genetic and that he/his children may suffer through it while being sad cause his grandfather is dying. I know of one solution, but more explanations first.

 

Men don't like to talk about their problems, especially with their parents or siblings, and have a general problem with expressing feelings. Push him and he'll close up with violence there to make sure you don't ask about it for a while.

 

I'm like that, hiding feelings behind aggression, and there is a catch that works for me, my wife uses it all the time (which I hate and like at the same time, confusing, to say the least).

 

 

 

After an episode of aggression which I use to forget or avoid questions about my problems, I'd usually go somewhere to be alone, to forget about the fact that I just yelled on the person I love because of something that hurts me enough already. She would come in without even saying a word, sit next to me for a bit and then hug me, 5 minutes later I'm crying like a baby and I'm no longer aggressive since I feel much better after that.

 

While I have problems saying what makes me sad, a hug from a person I love and trust feels comforting, and it makes me express my true feelings and vent out everything that bothers me. We men don't work on talk, we react to physical contact. Also, if you ever intend to do what I just said, make sure you're alone with him first, talking about problems in front of someone else is interpreted as a sign of weakness, something a pubescent male that tries to show his dominance cannot allow. If someone walks into the room, break off.

 

Simplified - When he gets aggressive, knock him down a peg. But when you try to make him express his feelings, catching him alone and off-guard with an unexpected gesture (for me it's a hug). That will result in no aggressive response and may make him open up. Just make sure no one else knows about it or he'll become even more aggressive and protective of his virtual dominance.

 

 

 

Also, do note that I'm pretty much mentally screwed so what works for me might not work for anyone who's actually normal. You can try though, it can make him docile or in worse case scenario, it can get you a black eye.

 

Disclaimer: The above product is to be used with caution and at your own risk. Wearing safety goggles at all times while using this product is advised. No cash refund.

Edited June 22, 2013 by Werne

[Ironman5000]

This ^

[SilverDNA]

 

 

 

@ Werne, I agree with Silver :yes:

 

My son is 15 going on 35... He's prepubescent and driving his father and I insane. We found out yesterday that my husband's father is dying of bone cancer after beating bowel cancer just after Christmas like my husband (he got the all clear from throat cancer around the same time). We're all naturally devastated yet my eldest son keeps shouting and screaming at us all. I employe favoritism against him and am a terrible mom etc etc etc. I know he's hurting but this has been going on for some time, so this is the most recent trigger for his behavior and I must admit I'm not going to let him use it as an excuse to get away with calling me names nor letting him denigrate his brother and sisters.

 

He's been quite threatening towards me which is beginning to make my blood boil and, although I don't condone violence, I do have a temper which, when in full swing has lead to me knocking out the protagonist on two occasions :whistling: This is not something I am proud of but being a little over 5 foot, I have learned to protect myself just in case someone gets too frisky with me lol.

 

To say I'm too tired to take his shenanigans is an understatement. We've been through too much the past 6/7 years and so his tantrums are not needed.

 

Honestly I thought my girls being hormonal was bad, boys/young men are amazingly horrendous lol.

 

Other than locking him under the stairs until he's 21, any advice???

 

Opposite advice to Ironman. Hard as it is, stop reacting so much to it. Control your temper, respond only when absolutely necessary and in the calmest most logical way possible. If reacting so much to it hasn't eased the situation any then try the reverse. He knows what your response is likely to be at the minute and this clearly isn't stopping him, I'd argue he's actually seeking a strong visceral response. He says you are favouriting against him, and this at a time when you and your family's focus is naturally and rightly elsewhere: he's at least partially attention seeking.

 

Interesting you say "tantrums" if he was younger and having "tantrums" stop responding to them would be pretty standard advice.

 

Either way, with both the stressful specifics of your situation, and his age, don't expect miracles or anything to have a huge impact in the short run. Time will do the most work.

 

Just so you know I wasn't offering advice, to be honest no one functions like I do and I wouldn't recommend following my example I was just offering an example. Anyway when your around 20 and your brother is 18 I don't think ignoring his temper would be a good idea as he could get aggressive and that way he gets away with it. Not on my watch!

 

 

 

No worries, sorry if I misconstrued... And it's always a bit different between brothers than a parent/child anyway isn't it? Even in today's "no physical discipline" world most siblings I know get on better after they've spent years knocking lumps out of each other physically and emotionally... most people who have that kinda relationship with a parent though, different story...

 

May I suggest in a calm moment a speech with you son Naomis.

i would advice approaching him under 4 eyes and tell him that you know he is afraid and that you understand his. after that be strait forward and say to him that his behavior isn't right to be afraid in causing fear himself but that you understand why he is doing it. Then let him do the talking let if he says or acknowledges his fears don't use any pressure if he isn't saying anything tell him you are open for a talk and simply leave. If he talks let him talk don't disturb him with questions he needs a loot to say an might not have the right word ready to do let him do the talking but be listening and alt least if you can't then look like you would do. if you feel he is finished do what you think is right. I think you know him better than we all. if you think this might work then try it if not then don't .

i think it couldn't harm to see him as the man he may become. It is difficult at that age. He may be wants to be a man, but under the surface there is still the boy, he was once. Don't take on his manhood keep it tact and see him as man, not as boy ( i know it is difficult for a sensible mom like you), only if he needs shelter then it is okay to see him as the boy ( because them he wants the shelter you once gave him and shouldn't be rejected). This one way to access the boy within himself without taking away what he thinks is manly.

[naomis8329]

Thanks guys... As usual you've all helped to put it into perspective and reinforce what I know in my heart to be the right things to do.

 

He's scared, he watched his dad go through so much and nearly die 3 times in 5 years, then his grandfather and now its happening again and there's nothing he can do to stop it.

 

Yes he's got to come to terms that no-one lives for ever and that death is an inevitable consequence of living but to have his mortality questioned so many times in his relatively short life must be devastating.

 

I'll give him a hug. I'll tell him I love him and I'll try not to embarrass him too much over the next week

 

;D :biggrin:

[Thor.]

Dang Electrical storm took out windows, the minute i booted it up after the storm i had issues loading it for the first time after the storm.

 

I grabbed the restore disk just in case as it took nearly 5 minutes to boot up. Everything was fine and dandy, but their must of some key files that was hit hard during the that storm. After i waited and waited finally awakened itself up and started to load windows in 10secs flat after the long boot delay.

 

After did some extensive file maintenance and its seems to be back to Normal, i almost had a scare that i would have to use the restore disk for the first time in five years :woot:

Edited June 23, 2013 by Thor.

[brokenergy]

You know, winning is much more fun than talking about your problems

[Thor.]

So yours isn't :devil: :devil:

Edited June 23, 2013 by Thor.

[Ironman5000]

You know, winning is much more fun than talking about your problems

Ouch thats cold