Grandpa died today...

[Lehcar]

I am broken. I am numb. I feel like I'm trapped in my own world right now. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I can't stop crying. I feel like a zombie... an empty, lifeless husk.

 

My Grandpa had been suffering from problems with blood clots in his legs for quite some time. Bypass surgery was done on the veins in his legs; he did great and recovered well. They said... he had a remarkably strong and healthy heart...

 

Then, two days ago, a large piece of a blood clot broke off, traveled through his bloodstream, and lodged in his heart muscle, causing him to have a massive heart attack. The doctor said it was one of the worst he had ever seen, and that his heart muscle had been completely destroyed. There was pretty much no hope for recovery from it.

 

He was removed from life support yesterday. They didn't expect him to live long at all, but he held on for a very, very long time, though his breathing was extremely crunchy and labored, because of fluid that had built up around his heart backing up into his lungs. We watched over him and waited a long time, and simply didn't know what to expect. By around four this morning, over 14 hours had passed (I stayed there the whole time). By then everyone had gone home, except my grandmother, my uncle, my aunt, my mother, and me.

 

Very suddenly, he made this horrible coughing noise, that almost sounded like he was choking on the fluid... and that was it. He never took another breath, and within a minute or so he became very cold and the colour completely drained from his lips and face. I do not think he did choke though, even though it seemed like it for a moment; I think his heart finally just stopped. The nurses confirmed there were no chest or lung sounds, either. I kissed him goodbye, and we all went home shortly thereafter.

 

I can't stop thinking about it. It is haunting me. I don't know if I will ever be able to get that terrible moment out of my mind. That is the most horrifying thing I have ever seen in my life.

 

In a way, I am relieved that it is all over, and he will feel no more pain. I am also happy that I was there to comfort him when he needed it the most.. but I already miss him so much. One of the best people I have ever known, one of only people on the planet who never, ever judged anyone, and unconditionally loved and accepted me for myself, is gone... forever... I will never see him again.

 

I also feel like the most selfish, vile person on the planet, because I hardly ever visited them, due to a very difficult relationship with my father (the "Grandpa" I am referring to is his father). My guilt is like a barbed wire strung around my heart. I hate myself so much. I wish I knew, how to cope... but I can't. I am lost. Totally, completely, hopelessly lost.

Edited May 26, 2015 by Lehcar

[Deleted82156User]

I am really sorry to hear that you lost someone you love. :sad:

 

One thing you must remember though, what you saw at that last moment...it is very unlikely that he actually felt anything at all in those last moments. We tend to look at things from our own experience and put our own thoughts about what it must feel like going through that on what we see, when the reality is completely different. What may have seemed a horrifying moment to you and haunts you, was very likely simply a natural completely painless process as the body lets go.

 

Your grandpa would not want you to hang onto guilt and you do yourself and him no favors by berating yourself. You have to forgive yourself and understand that in the moment you did the best you could and knew how to do. You may not like the choices you made back then, but at the time they were the 'right' choices for you. I know, I felt exactly the same way after my grandfather died a few years back.

 

It is hard I know, but every day it will get easier and you will start remembering more of the good times rather then the bad. In the meantime stick with your family and you will all help each other get through. Family is the most important thing right now, let them be there for you.

[ch6sayki]

Condolences from a stranger, I'm very sorry for your loss. I've also lost my grandpa from my father's side earlier this year.

 

What i'm about to express is something my grandmother told me shortly after his death.

 

It's so often that we always regret something once it's too late but decisions are constantly part of life and every decision you've made thus far is what makes you the person you are now and feeling regret won't change your past but your feelings of regret can affect your future. You have to realize that we have regrets because we don't know how the decisions we make now will affect the future and we ultimately have no control over it, just that the decisions we make are always with the present in mind.

 

If you were in his shoes, would you want your grandchild to live their entire life feeling guilt for something they have no control over? I think the most important thing is that you were there for him at the last moment and that you held him so dear in your heart is enough for him, the fact that he was loved and remembered is more important than your lack of visit because old people know that young people have places to be and things to do and have reasons they can't visit because they were once young themselves and have probably not visited their own grandparents when they were young, it's not uncommon, this happens to everyone, we all don't visit our elderly's enough because we don't always think about them passing so soon. When you're a grandparent one day and your grandkids don't visit you enough, you'll remember yourself when you were young and understand and love them unconditionally just like your grandpa understood and love you unconditionally.

 

These words might not mean much to you now because the wound is still fresh and you're in mourning, so only time will make sense of things. Crying is pain leaving the body so cry until you feel lighter. Remember that your grandpa still lives in your heart, don't dwell too long on the moment of his passing, I don't think he would want to be remembered that way, remember the person he was, the things he had accomplished and that he lived a long natural life.

 

I don't know what your beliefs are but I believe that death is not the end of a person and that his soul lives on. Perhaps I can refer you to some articles that'll explain what I mean. They are not religion-related articles and I myself am not of any religion, just spiritual. I hope these articles can give you some comfort if you believe in the afterlife.

 

- http://www.erinpavlina.com/blog/2007/11/solid-evidence-for-existence-of-the-afterlife/

 

- http://www.erinpavlina.com/blog/2014/10/will-you-see-your-loved-ones-again/

[Ironman5000]

We are gonna be dead soon enough, and dwelling over death is no way to live.

 

If you have a grandpa who lived a long life then he should count himself lucky to reach such an age, I know I would be happy to exist for so long! Myself and others have lost family members from fathers to children which is such a greater tragedy relative to life expectancy and I have no doubt any grandparent would be face-palming from beyond the grave when relatives allow their death to dictate the lives of others in a negative fashion.

 

I have lost a lot of my family of all ages, and punishing yourself is NOT the right way to go. Of course you should grieve but don't prolong it and allow it destroy your own life, you don't want it your family don't want it and your grandpa wouldn't want it.

[Deleted54170User]

My condolences.

[AbitTasty]

I am deeply sorry for your loss. I felt about my Grandpa much the same way you do. He was the best person I knew. He also died from a massive heart attack, but I wasn't there when he died. No one was actually. I hated that so much for him. I'm happy your Grandpa spent his last moments surrounded by the ones he loved. I'm happy you got to be there to say farewell and kiss him goodbye. I wish you the best and hope you find comfort yourself in the good memories you two had together.

 

Take care.