Insanityone Posted January 27, 2012 Share Posted January 27, 2012 Hi ive been lurking around the nexus since early 2010 (i even signed up so i was slightly less creepy lurker eventually) mostly enjoying the mods but have recently been lurking on the forums and have found there are quite a few witty people around these parts so wanted to start this topic to see if anyone has any good jokes or stories (prefferably clean) to share and lighten up everyones days with laughter the world needs more laughter. so if this topic goes as i hope it does the world will be a marginally happier place.so who wants to be first? someone should and my stories and jokes violate all kinds of rules so i cant go first p.s. im not sure about pics, id love to see some comedy pics but would hate to see this place turn into a demotivational haven so if pics please original only, not from the webs Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lanceor Posted January 27, 2012 Share Posted January 27, 2012 Jokes that are both clean and funny are exceptionally rare... but here's one I hope no-one's heard before. - - - Back in the 90's, a tourist was traveling through the American midwest when his tour bus screeched to a halt. The tour guide excitedly explained "We are about to meet the oldest living member of the Sioux tribe. This Indian chief is over 90 years old and he has an amazing memory. Go ahead, ask him anything that happened in the past and he'll remember!" The tourist was skeptical of course, but approached the Indian Chief. Tourist: Hi there!Chief: How.Tourist: Oh... er... How! Um... what did you have for breakfast on 17 April 1963?Chief: Eggs. The tourist was amazed and dumbstruck of course - how could a person possibly remember what they had for breakfast two decades ago?!? - - - Twenty years later, the tourist was traveling through the American Midwest a second time. Again the tour bus screeched to a halt. And again, the tour guide excitedly explained "We are about to meet the oldest living member of the Sioux tribe. This Indian chief is over 110 years old and he has an amazing memory. Go ahead, ask him anything that happened in the past and he'll remember!" Digging out his diary, the tourist approached the Indian chief to ask the same question again to see if the chief still remembered. Tourist: How!Chief: Scrambled Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nosisab Posted January 27, 2012 Share Posted January 27, 2012 (edited) ahaha, good one :) So I'll tell another on the line, yet I fear most may already know. Modern times, the new shaman is on charge after his wise predecessor passing, the winter is nigh and the tribe is worried and comes to him to ask how hard this winter could be. The newbie shaman has no clue at all, he lost most of times twitting and messenging instead listening the old man, but to keep up appearances he tell them to go out and bring enough wood for a hard winter. Worried he stepped too large he phones call the meteorological service (remember, modern times) and ask how the winter is expected to be this year and is with relief he hear from them the winter will be hard. With renewed confidence he gathers the tribe and tell them to go to the forest and bring all wood they can, even the smallest ones for the winter will be very hard this year. As could not be otherwise, later he thinks he may have exaggerate a bit, maybe a lot in fact... so he call the MS again and asks for confirmation about how rigorous the winter will be. -Very, very rigorous this year, he is answered. -How can you be that certain? asks the shaman in return. We know because our satellites are showing intense indigenous activity collecting wood for fire. Edited January 27, 2012 by nosisab Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Insanityone Posted January 28, 2012 Author Share Posted January 28, 2012 i havent heard either before and agree clean and funny jokes are rare, these two sparked my memory of one i heard awhile ago the was about indians but for the life of me i cant remember it properly if i remember ill add it.also thanks for sharing them two gave me a chuckle Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nintii Posted January 28, 2012 Share Posted January 28, 2012 How does a man show he's planning for the future?He buys two cases of beer instead of one. How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs. What do you call a handcuffed man?Trustworthy. How can you tell when a man is well hung?When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose. Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?To stop the snoring before it starts. Ha, just some uh male jokes ... fear not female jokes will come. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lanceor Posted January 30, 2012 Share Posted January 30, 2012 The year is 2200 and medical technology is highly advanced... One day, a janitor wins the lottery. Realising that he never did well academically and was a bit old to go back to college anyway, he decided to spend his prize money on a brain tissue transplant. This would give him both the IQ and the knowledge of someone smarter than he was. So he makes an appointment with a brain transplant specialist who walks him through the options. "This here in this vat is the brain tissue of a teacher. The cost for transplantation is $800 an ounce.""And in this vat over here, we have the brain tissue of a nuclear physicist. The cost is $1,500 an ounce.""Finally, in this vat, we have the brain tissue of a politician. The cost is $20,000 an ounce." The janitor enquired why politician brain tissue was so much more expensive than the others. "Because we need to find 20,000 politicians to get one ounce of brain." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Insanityone Posted January 30, 2012 Author Share Posted January 30, 2012 three men stuck on a desert island find a magic lamp and a genie comes out and grants them one wish each the first man says "I wish i was home with my family" and with a wave of the genies hand he vanishes, the second man says "I wish i was back home with my family" and with a wave of the genies hand he vanishes, the third guy stops and thinks for awhile and finaly says "gee its getting boring I wish those other guys were still here" A terrible pick up line: Have you ever tripped on a stick? How about a root? A joke that some may find distasteful (if you do I apologise in advance i have an odd sense of humor) When someone gets a burn, "my grandfather got burned once" pause a bit as if remembering the story "they dont mess around in at the crematorium" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lanceor Posted February 2, 2012 Share Posted February 2, 2012 *sigh* I guess the number of clean and funny jokes is limited. I'll give this thread another shot in the arm, since I1's joke made me remember another oldie... A woman was walking along a beach when she finds a magic lamp. Rubbing the lamp, the obligatory genie appears and grants her three wishes. "There's one catch though." the genie says. "Anything you wish for, your husband will get exactly double the amount." Surprised, the woman replied "You mean that no-good, cheating excuse for a man that left me for a mistress half his age years ago?" "Yes, even if you have separated, he'll get double what you wish for." affirmed the genie. So the woman starts making her three wishes. "I wish I had a million dollars." Sure enough, a million dollars in crisp, brand new notes appeared at the woman's feet, and somewhere on the other side of the world, her ex-husband was surprised to see two million dollars raining down. "For my second wish, I wish to have a Ferrari in my garage." Thanks to the genie's magic, a Ferrari appeared in the woman's garage, and elsewhere, her ex-husband became the sudden owner of two Ferraris. "For my third wish, I wish you would scare me half to death." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nosisab Posted February 2, 2012 Share Posted February 2, 2012 (edited) Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are on a camping. At certain point of the dawn Sherlock awakes, look around and wakes Dr Watson in turn and asks: -Tell me my dear Watson what do you seeSurprised Dr Watson answers-I see the sky and it is starry tonight.-Yes, says Sherlock, and what it means to you?-Depend, returns Dr Watson, under the religious approach it means the greatness of the Lord, for such beauty is above anything man can create. Under the scientific vision it means how little we really know and how much are there for us to learn yet. From the psychological perspective we can't avoid the feeling such greatness dwarfs us inexorably...At this point an annoyed Sherlock interrupts him, looks into his eyes for a few seconds and yells -Watson you fool, means only that someone stole our tent! Edited February 2, 2012 by nosisab Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MbDB1211 Posted February 3, 2012 Share Posted February 3, 2012 Have you seen the clown that hides from stupid people at walmart? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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