cooking misfortunes

[kvnchrist]

I'd like to start something about the dangers on first time cooking and see if anyone has had some bad or heard of some bad experiences in cooking.

 

I remember when I was still in grade school. I came home to and empty house and I was literally starving. I had had a grilled cheese sandwich at school and decided to try my hand at that.

 

I found the skilet fine and found the slices of American cheese in the crisper, but couldn't find the bread anywhere. After an exhaustive search I finally gave up and decided that I could just grill the cheese in the pan and started heating the pan. Then after I thought the pan was hot enough I tossed in a piece of cheese and started looking for the spatula, but that too was missing. The one thing I was unaware of at time time was the effective use of grease.

 

The thing welded itself to the bottom of the pan, while I was searching for the spatula and the aromatically broadcast it's displeasure at it's present perdicument, with generous amount of smoke. I quickly realized that something had gone afouls and was in the middle of denouncing the makers of the non-stick coating for being abject liers when I heard the car door shut and my mom's voice coming closer and closer.

 

I through the pan in the sink and poured water in it, which did nothing for the situation at all, except dampening the solidified pice of dairt product ans filling the room with the sound of sizzeling, that I was sure would be recreated on the seat of my pants, when my dad came home from work.

 

I remember my mom vaguely saying" Oh My God" when she entered the living room, filled with a peculiar odor and seeing the fog of smoke rolling out of the kitchen. I heard her running through the bedroom, which seperated the living room from the kitchen and I desperatly went to work on a non-stick coated pan with a bread knife, to somehow remove the petrified lump of matter, as well as disperse the cloud of smoke, somehow place the clean, dried pan in the covert and disappear all within the time I was allotted by the briskness of my dear mothers pace.

 

I failed miserably.

 

one ruined pan $5.00

 

One severely modified pice of cheese. $00.03

 

The desperate look of a 8 year old boy, who's eyes were wider than the lenses of his glasses. Priceless

[Vindekarr]

I have had many.

 

Egg-Nihilation:

 

I was making boiled eggs one monring about a month ago, and I like to boil them firm/hard. Unfortunately for me it was sunday and I'd had to promise to attend a major PVP action in EVE. On my crummy cooktop, heating water to boil then hard-boiling eggs takes about 20 minutes, so I returned to my PC. So wrapped up in the process of permanently destroying the virtual property of a known traitor my corporation(guild) was I, I totaly forgot the eggs. When I next got up, it was 44 minutes later, the water in the pan had evaporated, and the eggs were something new.

 

I peeled the eggs, hoping they'd be salvageable, but as I peeled, a drop of raging hot water dripped onto my hand. I dropped one of the peeled(shell-less) eggs on the bench... ...and it bounced like a tennis ball! So kids, what did we learn in cooking class today? if you find a sudden urge to play tennis and don't have a ball, but have a kitchen, you know what to do!

 

Armoured bread:(resists ANYTHING including Bolter ammunition, .50 BMG, Guass, Plasma and Phasers.)

 

I was 15, OK? 15! and 15 year olds who can't cook well do very very unwise things.

 

So: I was hungry, my parents where out doing the shopping, and there was neither a cup Pot Noodles nor loaf of bread handy to cook. Or was there? I looked in the freezer for un-defrosted Bread, and found a fresh loaf. Grabbing the load, I realised it was frozen soild, like a wholegrain flavoured icecube. I thought fast, remembering what I knew about ice, Ice was water molecules deprived of thermal energy. If I could rub the bread's water molecules together, they'd heat up, and the bread would un-freeze and be just like fresh out of the oven. Microwave ovens rub water molecules together. Dragging my prize to the microwave, I shoved the Bread in. Bingo! a button labeled "defrost"

 

It was almost too easy, i pushed the button, closed the door, and the bread began to revolve. I sat and watched, fantacising about sandwiches. The Microwave beeped and out came the bread. It was warm, looked totaly normal, spread normaly, and I rapidly made a sandwich. Then I tried to cut the sandwich, and the problems began. the knife would'nt cut the bread! silly old knife I thought and bit the sandwich. My teeth did no better. I brought out a razor sharp(brand new) steak knife, no joy. A bit bemused, I stabbed the breadloaf repeatedly, finding it deflected the knife.

 

It turns out if you microwave bread that's frozen solid, what you end up with is similar to Kevlar body armour, only much, much stronger and lighter.

[Maharg67]

I left boiled eggs once so long I found an empty sauce pan and two blackened eggs with smoke coming out of small holes in their tops. :pirate:

 

Strange but true!!!

 

There was also the time I got impatient making instant custard, put too much powder in and ended up with something like lightly soft yellow concrete. :psyduck:

 

Also strange but true.

 

I was about twenty-one years old at the time. :biggrin:

[RitualBlack]

I am a horrible cook. Anything I make turns out wrong :laugh: .

 

If I make microwave KD it ends up having cheese powder clumps on the noodle, hotdogs get burnt and grilled cheese has a crispy outside and an un-melted inside. That is why I stick to making things that require no appliances. I love to make a mixed bean salad with some spices and lemon :happy: .

[sulaco00]

I once made a pea curry. I don't think I need to say any more...

[cjent]

Adventures in cooking?

 

My first was when I was in grade school. My mother used to start frozen orange juice in the blender. It made it foamy and blended it easily. Of course, no-one had taught me to use a blender properly yet. I dumped the orange juice block in the blender, and added one can of water, as I had seen her do, and turned it on. I had no idea that you were supposed to hold the blender on to the base when starting.

 

The blender jug flew across the kitchen. As it flew, it scattered small orange juice flecks everywhere! The floor, the table, the ceiling and the walls were covered in small orange spots. I was not a popular lad that morning.

[TheCalliton]

the smoke alarm went off while making chicken nuggets. I didnt ruin them or anything, they turned out great! but the little bits of breading that fell off burned >.> yeah... its happened a few times.

 

spilled hot soup on my hand

 

none of these are really mishaps, im a good cook, but little things happen.

 

my chili exploded in the nuker! (microwave)

 

uhm... cant think of any more

[Werne]

Cooking misfortunes? Oh I have a lot of those :biggrin:.

 

1. Exploding apples: Once I thought it would be cool if the apples are warm (since it was freezing outside) so I stuffed a couple of them into a microwave (I was 12). After they were done I went to take them out and as soon as I opened the door one blew up and the others a second later. I had to clean the whole kitchen after that but at least I learned I shouldn't put apples into the microwave.

 

2. Exploding eggs: The same as the above but with less cleaning.

 

3: A burning chicken soup: Well, it turns out you shouldn't let the chicken soup boil for 3 hours. I went to see my friend and I completely forgot about the soup. When I came home, all I saw were flames coming out of the pot.

 

4: Carbonized chicken: I was making several meals at the same time and I forgot about it. I realized something is wrong when my stove started smoking but it was too late, the chicken was destroyed.

 

5. Electrocuted sausage: The power went down and I was hungry, so since I went to school to become an electro-mechanical technician, I decided to bake a sausage on a car battery. I stabbed it with two forks, attached wires to them and hooked it up to the car battery. Nothing happened for half a minute so I decided to go to the bathroom and it should done by then. When I came back the sausage looked weird, it was charred where the forks were and the rest of it was bloated up and deformed. But I made the second sausage perfectly.

 

6. Diarrhea mashed potatoes (my favourite): My father asked me to make mashed potatoes for lunch. And so I did, but they were a bit unhealthy. Since there was not enough water in the pot I added more water. Ice cold water. So the potatoes came out raw (I don't know is that the correct word) and they took extra effort to finish (I had to use a blender to make them edible). I was eating lunch in the restaurant that day, but the rest of my family ate at home so they had some stomach problems.

 

And the list goes on and on, but I think this is enough to show that cooking is not one of my talents.

[antonkr]

Cooking misfortunes? Oh I have a lot of those :biggrin:.

 

1. Exploding apples: Once I thought it would be cool if the apples are warm (since it was freezing outside) so I stuffed a couple of them into a microwave (I was 12). After they were done I went to take them out and as soon as I opened the door one blew up and the others a second later. I had to clean the whole kitchen after that but at least I learned I shouldn't put apples into the microwave.

 

2. Exploding eggs: The same as the above but with less cleaning.

 

3: A burning chicken soup: Well, it turns out you shouldn't let the chicken soup boil for 3 hours. I went to see my friend and I completely forgot about the soup. When I came home, all I saw were flames coming out of the pot.

 

4: Carbonized chicken: I was making several meals at the same time and I forgot about it. I realized something is wrong when my stove started smoking but it was too late, the chicken was destroyed.

 

5. Electrocuted sausage: The power went down and I was hungry, so since I went to school to become an electro-mechanical technician, I decided to bake a sausage on a car battery. I stabbed it with two forks, attached wires to them and hooked it up to the car battery. Nothing happened for half a minute so I decided to go to the bathroom and it should done by then. When I came back the sausage looked weird, it was charred where the forks were and the rest of it was bloated up and deformed. But I made the second sausage perfectly.

 

6. Diarrhea mashed potatoes (my favourite): My father asked me to make mashed potatoes for lunch. And so I did, but they were a bit unhealthy. Since there was not enough water in the pot I added more water. Ice cold water. So the potatoes came out raw (I don't know is that the correct word) and they took extra effort to finish (I had to use a blender to make them edible). I was eating lunch in the restaurant that day, but the rest of my family ate at home so they had some stomach problems.

 

And the list goes on and on, but I think this is enough to show that cooking is not one of my talents.

Note to self. If werne somehow becomes my roommate. Don't let him cook. :biggrin:

[Vindekarr]

Some more of mine:

 

Toasted Sandwich Maker. Literaly.

 

So, one day I was making a toasted sandwhich, and the old sandwich press I was using tended to heat up a LOT. On this finall day of it's existance, it heated up far more than normal, years of age and wear finaly overwhelming the venerable device, which detonated with great vengeance, scorching a thirty centimetre square of kitchen bench black, and imbedding shrapnel in the wall. It also destroyed my electric toothbrush, which was charging nearby. I was immensly glad to have been out of the room at the time.

 

Demonicly possessed Chaos toaster.

 

I like toast, but when I first moved to victoria I had to replace many of my homegoods. My mother and I(I'm from quite a close family) were bringing in the last of the kitchen things and decided to test the new toaster right away. My mother was saying "it's a breville, they're a good brand, my family had them for years" I loaded the new toaster up and set it fairly low. However, it ignored me. Dark forces however, were at play, and I started to become concerned that the toaster was broken, as it kept the toast for many, many minutes. finaly, i grew tired of waiting, and frightened by the smoke belching from it.(not steam, smoke) and popped it manualy. There was a loud click and the toaster refused to budge. I pushed the pop button again and it jammed in. Starting to really get worried at the vast plume of smoke pouring from it, I gave it a shake. The toaster final gave up it's prize. At mach eight.

 

Something must have jammed the toaster, as when it was shaken, it freed up violently, throwing the toast, and parts of itself, up to the cieling. The toast was literaly smoking, and charred beyond edible. The toaster was annihilated.

 

Hardly a misfortune, but an adventure:

 

In an event similar to how humans probably discovered meat tasted better cooked, I was bored one day and decided to make something fun for afternoon tea. I had some cake related goods lying, cooking chocolate, chocolate cupcake mix, glace cherries. I decided to just throw them all together. First, I prepared the cupcake batter, getting it ready for the oven. Once it was prepared, I filled a saucepan with hot water, put the chocolate in mug, and then sat the mug in the boiling water. I then poured the molten chocolate into the cupcake mixed and stirred it through, mixing in the glace cherries and some sultanans aswell for extra oomph. I then ovened the lot.

 

The result could have done with some refining, for later batches I mixed the choc through much more, because it solidified into an iron hard "skeleton" within each muffin, but in my boredum, I created one of the more unhealthy but delicious things I've tried in a while, a micro-chocolate/fruitcake.