Jokes?

[SilverDNA]

A Short Love Story

A man and a Woman who have never meet before, but who where both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a tarns-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room they were both very tired and fellt asleep quickly, he in the upper bed and she in the lower.

at about 01:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying

"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

She replied: " I have a better Idea. Just for tonight, let's pretend that we are married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!", he exclaimed.

"Good", She replied " Get your own freaking blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted.

The End.

[M48A5]

An old man saw a boy dragging a logging chain down the road and calls out "Hey boy, why you dragging that chain down the road?"

The boy answers "Did you ever try pushing one of these suckers?"

[slimhouse]

[ Man enters upmarket Pub ] ...

 

Barman : (coughs) "...erm, sorry Sir you cannot bring that old bike in here...!!? "

 

Man : (annoyed) "...WHAT!!!! I've just ridden IT ALL the way from my HOME!!!! "

 

Barman : "....!?...."

 

Man : (really annoyed) "...WELL S-C-RE-W YOU!!!! "

 

Barman : (deep sigh) "...oh dear... now we're #Back to the 'Bike' again...!!

Edited February 22, 2012 by slimhouse

[sleepysugarlump]

What do you call 10,000 lawyers, buried up to their necks in sand?

Not enough sand.

 

Why did Princess Diana cross the road?

Because she wasn't wearing a seatbelt.

 

 

Paris Hilton is being driven through the countryside when suddenly a cow walks onto the road in front of the car. The driver doesn't have time to brake, and the car hits the cow, killing it instantly. The driver tells Paris Hilton that he's going to walk to the farmhouse to inform the farmer of the accident, and that he'll be back soon.

Paris waits for hours, and eventually it's dark by the time the driver returns. He has lipstick marks on his cheeks, and smells strongly of alcohol. "Sorry I was gone so long," he says. "When I told the farmer, what happened, he insisted on inviting me into the house. Then he told his wife what I'd said, and she cooked a special meal for me. Then their beautiful 18 year old daughter got very friendly with me, and gave me a massage. Then the farmer took me down to the local pub and everyone was buying drinks for me for hours."

Paris can hardly believe what she's hearing. "Why on earth did they treat you so nicely?" she asks.

"I don't know," replies the driver. "All I said was 'Hi, I'm Paris Hilton's driver, and I've just killed the cow.'"

[nosisab]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?

 

What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, Mister! I'm talking to that little Knucklehead on your knee."

[nosisab]

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.00. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan,so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes.

 

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000.00 Mercedes as collateral against a $5,000.00 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Mercedes into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

 

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000.00 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.

 

What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000.00?" The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my Mercedes for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

 

 

-- To compensate the previous blonde joke :)

[yoba333]

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?

Fo Drizzle

 

What does Snoop Dogg use to clean his clothes?

Bleeeeotch

 

What does Snoop Dogg put on his salad?

Bacon Biiaaaats

 

What does Snoop Dogg use to clean his car?

His hoes

[Nintii]

A woman goes walking past a construction sight and the guys having lunch start going nuts ...

 

Hey ... hey babe, tssssssssst tsssssst ... hey, tssssst tssssssst.

 

Turning she she says ...

 

Tsy what's the matter has your head got a puncture ?

[Ihoe]

A school inspector asked the class, "If length of the platform is 200 metres and speed of the train is 100 kilometres what should be my age?"

Noting the absurdity of the question, a clever student answered, "Fifty years, sir." The answer was absolutely correct.

The inspector was astounded. He asked the boy his method of calculation. "Simple, sir," the boy replied, "I have an elder brother aged 25 years and everybody calls him half mad!

 

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

- Officer: May I see your driver's license?

- Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

- Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

- Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

- Officer: The car is stolen?

- Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

- Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

- Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

- Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

- Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain.

The car was quickly surrounded by police,and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

- Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

- Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

- Captain: Who's car is this?

- Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card.

The driver owned the car.

- Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

- Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

- Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

- Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

- Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

- Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

[HellsMaster]

*sigh* I guess the number of clean and funny jokes is limited. I'll give this thread another shot in the arm, since I1's joke made me remember another oldie...

 

A woman was walking along a beach when she finds a magic lamp. Rubbing the lamp, the obligatory genie appears and grants her three wishes. "There's one catch though." the genie says. "Anything you wish for, your husband will get exactly double the amount."

 

Surprised, the woman replied "You mean that no-good, cheating excuse for a man that left me for a mistress half his age years ago?"

 

"Yes, even if you have separated, he'll get double what you wish for." affirmed the genie.

 

So the woman starts making her three wishes. "I wish I had a million dollars." Sure enough, a million dollars in crisp, brand new notes appeared at the woman's feet, and somewhere on the other side of the world, her ex-husband was surprised to see two million dollars raining down.

 

"For my second wish, I wish to have a Ferrari in my garage." Thanks to the genie's magic, a Ferrari appeared in the woman's garage, and elsewhere, her ex-husband became the sudden owner of two Ferraris.

 

"For my third wish, I wish you would scare me half to death."

 

That one is just genius.