SOME VERY BAD JOKES

[kvnchrist]

Oh I got a good one, hell I got tons.

But heres one for ya.

Two kids in school are learning about the Holocaust

One of the kid raises his hand and shares that he lost his grand mother died during all that.

The kid next to him also raises his hand and says his grand father died during the Holocaust as well.

Intrigued the first kid asks how he died.

Second kid replies "He fell out of a guard tower"

 

XD

 

 

I can see two kids fighting in a classroom after that!

[kvnchrist]

Well, looks like I messed up. I didn't see this joke thread or I'd have added mine to this and saved everyone a tissy fit. Maybe one of the staff can merge my joke thread with this one .

[Maharg67]

When I started this topic I did not know the jokes could get so bad. Good work, people!

 

What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?

If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment!

 

She was only a whiskey-maker, but he loved her still.

 

What did the green grape say to the purple grape?

Breathe, idiot! BREATHE!

Edited June 25, 2011 by Maharg67

[tranquilhollowarcher]

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice,

so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia

and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would

you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."

 

Mississippi

 

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy,

"Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"

The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

 

Texas

 

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch.

The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right

over your head."

"Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage

 

 

Life as a child growing up in Oklahoma ....

 

Around age 10 my dad got me one of those little badass compound bow beginner kits. Of course, the first month I went around our land sticking arrows in anything that could get stuck by an arrow. Did you know that a 1955 40 horse Farmall tractor tire will take 6 rounds before it goes down?

Tough sumbich.

That got boring, so being the 10 yr. old "Dukes of Hazard" fan that I was, I quickly advanced to taking strips of cut up T-shirt doused in chainsaw gas tied around the end and was sending flaming arrows all over the place.

One summer afternoon, I was shooting flaming arrows into a large rotten oak stump in our backyard. I looked over under the carport and see a shiny brand new can of starting fluid (Ether). The light bulb went off in my head.

I grabbed the can and set it on the stump. I thought that it would probably just spray out in a disappointing manner. Let’s face it, to a 10 yr old mouth-breather like myself, (Ether), really doesn't "sound" flammable.

So, I went back into the house and got a 1 pound can of pyrodex (black powder for muzzle loader rifles).

At this point, I set the can of ether on the stump and opened up the can of black powder. My intentions were to sprinkle a little bit around the (Ether) can but it all sorta dumped out on me. No biggie, a 1 lb. pyrodex and 16 oz (Ether) should make a loud pop, kinda like a firecracker you know?

You know what? Screw that I'm going back in the house for the other can.

Yes, I got a second can of pyrodex and dumped it too. Now we're cookin'.

I stepped back about 15 ft and lit the 2 stroke arrow. I drew the nock to my cheek and took aim. As I released I heard a clunk as the arrow launched from my bow. In a slow motion time frame, I turned to see my dad getting out of the truck... "OH SHOOT"! He just got home from work. So help me God it took 10 minutes for that arrow to go from my bow to the can. My dad was walking towards me in slow motion with a WTF look in his eyes. I turned back towards my target just in time to see the arrow pierce the starting fluid can right at the bottom. Right through the main pile of pyrodex and into the can. Oh shoot.

When the shock wave hit it knocked me off my feet. I don't know if it was the actual compression wave that threw me back or just reflex jerk back from 235 fricking decibels of sound. I caught a half a millisecond glimpse of the violence during the initial explosion and I will tell you there was dust, grass, and bugs all hovering 1 ft above the ground as far as I could see. It was like a little low to the ground layer of dust fog full of grasshoppers, spiders, and a worm or two.

The daylight turned purple. Let me repeat this...

 

"THE FRICKING DAYLIGHT TURNED PURPLE"!!!!!!!

 

There was a big sweetgum tree out by the gate going into the pasture. Notice I said "was". That sumgun got up and ran off.

So here I am, on the ground blown completely out of my shoes with my thundercats T-Shirt shredded, my dad is on the other side of the carport having what I can only assume is a Vietnam flashback:

 

"ECHO BRAVO CHARLIE YOU'RE BRINGIN' EM IN TOO CLOSE!! CEASE FIRE. DANG IT CEASE FIRE"!!!!!

 

His hat has blown off and is 30 ft behind him in the driveway. All windows on the north side of the house are blown out and there is a slow rolling mushroom cloud about 2000 ft. over our backyard. There is a Honda 185 3 wheeler parked on the other side of the yard and the fenders are drooped down and are now touching the tires.

I wish I knew what I said to my dad at this moment. I don't know - I know I said something. I couldn't hear. I couldn't hear inside my own head. I don't think he heard me either... not that it would really matter. I don't remember much from this point on. I said something, felt a sharp pain, and then woke up later. I felt a sharp pain, blacked out, woke later....repeat this process for an hour or so and you get the idea. I remember at one point my mom had to give me CPR. and Dad screaming "Bring him back to life so I can kill him again". Thanks Mom.

One thing is for sure... I never had to mow around that stump again, Mom had been whining about that thing for years and dad never did anything about it. I stepped up to the plate and handled business.

Dad sold his muzzle loader a week or so later. I still have some sort of bone growth abnormality, either from the blast or the beating, or both.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, get your kids into archery. It's good discipline and will teach them skills they can use later on in life.

 

[BlackRampage]

Well, looks like I messed up. I didn't see this joke thread or I'd have added mine to this and saved everyone a tissy fit. Maybe one of the staff can merge my joke thread with this one .

Better if you do that yourself imho...

 

Anyway:

 

Jesus Christ walks into a hotel...

He hands the innkeeper 3 nails and he asks...

Can you put me up for the night?

 

 

What sound does a dog make that's on fire?

Wooofff

 

(yes, the last one is really terrible, I know :facepalm: )

[nosisab]

Is the classic scenario, the husband comes home and finds his wife in bed with his best friend. Enraged, he picks up the gun and kills his former friend right there...

 

-You stupid, screams the wife, -with this behavior you'll lose all your friends!

[Sync182]

There was a little girl,

Who had a little curl,

Right in the middle of her forehead.

When she was good,

She was very, very good;

But when she was bad...

...she got a sports car, a fur coat, a condo, and jewelery.

[MikeRyan]

Some old russian jokes

 

The KGB, the GIGN and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary General of the UN decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that the rabbit does not exist. The GIGN goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and make no apologies: the rabbit had it coming. The KGB goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

 

 

At -10 degrees Celsius, heating is switched on in British homes, while Finns change into a long-sleeved shirt. At -20 Austrians fly to Malaga, while Finns celebrate midsummer. At -200 the underworld freezes over and Finland wins the Eurovision Song Contest. At -273 absolute zero temperature is reached, all atom movement ceases. The Finns shrug and say: "Hey Pekka,it's a bit chilly today, isn't it?"

[Dastardlybob]

Oh, I can do worse....

 

What is the difference between a Mechanical Engineer and a Civil Engneer?

 

Mechanical Engineers design weapons, Civil Engineers design targets :thumbsup:

 

I love that joke

 

This actually made me laugh. A lot.

[billyro]

I have this kiddie's joke book in my room, so I thought I'd give it a look.

 

What is big, grey, and has yellow feet?

 

 

An elephant standing in custard.